Broken Pen > Poetry



forwards and backwards - 11 29 18

a large factor in whether you become a success or a failure
is how discipline makes you feel

i do not believe God to be a foregone conclusion
but my failed pursuit of him
has drawn me a lot of scorn
from both sides of the aisle

when you are a male on the bottom, asserting yourself
is usually seen as aggression

remember as an individual with a disability
the thing different about you is a bomb you have to diffuse
to make the room comfortable with you

you stay on the right side of history
by being on the right side of science

the whole evolutionary purpose of depression
was to elicit sympathy and support from the group
(and then we wonder why so many people are so depressed
in modern society where people are so hyper individualistic
and are taught to never to lift a finger for anyone else)

God's love is strange
because if you do feel it
it's credited as righteousness
and if you don't feel it
it's debited as sin

when you expand the sea of virtue
you dig out a harbor of resentment

people hate failure
almost as much as they hate failures

it's kind of sad that modern psychology won't admit that
mental illness is made worse by the lack of others' kindness in the world
rather than the lack of self-love
(elites run away of anything that has the scent of
Bourgeoisie morals)

when you ask of people
the result is directly proportional to the amount of power you possess
when people ask of you
the result is inversely proportional to the amount of power you possess

today relationships are like consumer electronics
when they break we don’ t put in work to repair them
we just throw them away

true love is the opposite of stretching
if it doesn't hurt you're doing it wrong

you know whether a religion is true or false
by how they treat their own

i am a non Christian non
i am not Christian forwards and backwards
i am non backwards because when they run my life through their mind
they realize that it could not have happened the way it did
if Christianity were true

every endeavor in life
is in a zero sum game
between truth and love

I don't need to be told that half my depressive thoughts are sin, I feel bad enough!

i know everything is going to happen for the good
but my enemies get to define good

hushed tones - 11 1 18

some people need religion to get by
even though they know it's a lie

God never tells you to date people within your league

life is more like a video game than you'd think
it's you against the world
you are constantly avoiding traps
and bosses are the worst!

love is like coffee
after it has gone cold
the bitterness can be tasted
even when warmed up again

as a rule for friends with kids
when people have crotch spawn, they're gone

Christianity is like swimming
sometimes it's better not to do it at all
if your only option is doing it alone

if they made a love shot
that would prevent you from catching feelings for anyone
would you take it?

people like to romanticize humility
but I can guarantee your humility is worth less
than what you traded it for

consciousness is the antenna just high enough
to pick up the gods and the devils

self worship causes jubilation for those at the top
and depression for everyone else

everything consists of a beginning, middle, and an end
just because the beginning and end are bad
does not mean we can't make the middle as good as it can be

a friendship is like a priceless prayer shawl
that took your grandma weeks to knit
that burns in a few seconds

free love isn't free
the next generation foots the bill

as mental health diminishes both types of things bring about the same reaction
cry has been rerouted to laugh

a life of untreated/untreatable depression
is more tragic than a suicide

the cultures who introduce the idea that virtue is weakness
are going to produce the most vice

prayer is like a death threat
it only carries weight
because of what else
the person intends to make happen

Christians don't understand if the devil can't own your soul he can always rent it

laying down your life only counts
if you are worth death

laugh at death while you can
because sooner than you think
it will strike near enough to you
that afterwords you will only speak of it
in hushed tones


falling back - 10 18 18

normal people need hope
depressed people need expedited hope

the modernist is damned by I don’t know
the postmodernist is damned by I don’t know you

culture became too pervasive
the great I am
is no match for
the great it is

grace is like sex on television
the more they talk about it the less they show it

when the tao (mutual respect) is gone
there’s a lag
where those who still believe
get taken advantage of
by those who don’t

Heaven and hell are just how we treat each other

too much sad burns the happy right out of you

trusting God
is like falling back
trusting his arms will be there
more is lost when there are no arms
than with the skeptic
who remains standing

people no longer believe in the meat and potatoes of Christianity
just the gravy of it

faith (in God) says “don’t make contingency plans”
that’s the most hideous thing about it

life is a poorly engineered structure
most of the weight is borne by those least able to support it

you suffer for I am
I suffer for what I am

my smile
nursing the dead dream of being with you
is the visible end
of the curvature of hell

too many original thoughts in a row?
moo moo moo
to the funny farm you go

one altercation with fate is all it takes
to turn an us into a them

suffering destroys articulation
like a fire destroys the evidence
that could have brought about the arsonist’s conviction

they’re going to kill me
but they’re going to do so piecemeal
so i get to be alive
while i watch myself die

the grave is empty space
no forces acting on my soul
it drifts endlessly on its initial trajectory

The culmination of denying company to those who have fallen from grace
occurs in heaven when those in grace have
their memories wiped clean of those who have fallen from it.


unequal parts - 9 27 18

one of the most subversive things you can say
in this culture where everything revolves
around commodifying you and sucking you dry
"i just want to be happy"

experiencing God is like doing weed
but if things don't go the way they should
they blame you for the ill trip
instead of the weed

voting is like driving
D is for democrat
R is for rapist

you know society is fucked up
when asking to be treated with basic human dignity
is seen as having a sense of entitlement

what modern psychology would never let you believe
resilience is like vocal range
most of it is innate
there is only so much you do to to improve it

there is a REASON why whenever you say pain you say pay
because you pay for physical suffering with your mental health!

what the therapeutic industrial complex doesn't tell you
is positive thoughts need to be reciprocated
by those over you
for them to be of any help for you

(Trump's pecker looks like Toad from Mario Kart)
what the world would never want you to believe
is you're fucked either way
fucked in righteousness
of fucked in sin

a man is like a piece of consumer electronics
powerful when functioning
disposable when broken

my life is too much like Wizard of Oz
the prettiest people are all the nicest
my life is too much like a Lifetime Original Movie
a lot of the men are passive aggressive or abusers

the two groups of people who realize looks are almost everything
pretty people
and ugly people

i don't believe in the sanctity of life
but i do believe in the sanctity of living

religion is like a music subscription service
you were always renting, never buying
so when you exit, you go from having access to all of it
to none of it
no matter how much you thought you could keep

God and crazy
mix like Dawn and Clorox

The church is giving me over to the devil
(1 Corinthians 5:5)
Because of the way I make prayer look

if a person talks to everyone in the room but you
that says something

existence was made for life, not the other way around

the further along you are being destroyed by bipolar 1
the more of your soul is already in the hereafter
equal parts heaven and hell


evil - 9 6 18

humility is just misery with pretty packaging
virtue is just weakness with pretty packaging

in disability
gains are measured in inches
and losses in feet

millennials don't gravitate towards church
they gravitate towards what the church should be
regardless of whether God is there or not

the fruit of the spirit is expensive and difficult to cultivate
so, just like real fruit
you see so little of it making its way
to the poorest of the poor

the only reason any belief system can exist
is because there are things you can talk about
and things you can't

there is no door on a mind
after you pry it open
you must board it up
to close it again

when you get to a dark place
it's best to take some time to get your eyes used to the darkness
before you shine

things in the dark are easier
because you don't grouse over them not being reciprocated
like you do with things in the light

becoming evil is like getting an organ with many more registers

reality is darkness
it can't be bent like light can

the ability to perform good and evil deeds often aren't in opposite directions
they are parallel tracks
you can jump between at will

mental health treatments with extravagant promises

Seeds of certain kinds of trees only germinate under extreme heat. I think the same could be said about certain kinds of evil in people's soul. The seeds have always been lying there… it just takes an extended period of extreme suffering to crack these babies open. But quickly the seed with the tiniest of roots showing turns into a giant under and overground trunk with roots and branches.


despair and disrepair - 8 30 18

be gentile with zippers
they will thank you

America is like Hershey's Chocolate
You know it's not the best but you like it
because you're used to it

the more time you spend in your head
and the less time you spend with the body of Christ
the less likely you are to remain a Christian

almost everything Christianity promises, mental illness voids
prosperity or at least comfort
access to Christian community

the two sins you can commit in a bed
fornication and despair

almost everyone becomes a temporary anti natalist
when they encounter an individual with a disability
their discomfort manifests itself as "i wish you were never born"
(of course they go back to their natalist leanings
when encountering everyone else)

it's funny that despair is a sin
but the things that produce it
(often failed) pursuit of experience of God
protestant work ethic
capitalist definition of worth
are seen as virtues

the phrase that has killed many a faith
"we don't believe you believe"

as a magnet seems to detect another magnet
your pride detects someone else’s

hope is the most important thing
that one can not fake

when religious people tell you it takes work
to find the rest God claims to provide
you know they're talking past you

reading right to left
politics and religion
burn in this life
and burn in the next

social interaction is mostly feedback loops
if you're pretty
it's the bow of a present
if you're ugly
it's the bottom of a noose

abusers like to gaslight you
claiming your depression, not their abuse
is what is robbing you of your will to live

the authorities
do not look kindly upon
notches on your arm
that tally incidents
of you being abused

fuck eternity
i want it NOW!!!!
(God hated Esau for wanting sustenance NOW
at the expense of later)


penopause - 8 9 18

resisting modern psychology
is like trying to cut slime into pieces
they will always win
because they can find a way around your arguments
or pathologize your thinking in the first place

people have always been miserable
it's just that back in the day
they didn't feel entitled to happiness
so they were more content with their misery

trust is not something to be lionized
it's something you do when your brain's eyes are closed

character becomes the most worthless
when no characters will enter your life
(what's the use of being a better person
if you are so isolated,
it's like one hand clapping)

for the people on the right
politics and religion for us on the left
are basically
"I want you to burn in this life"
and "I want you to burn in the next one"

being a Christian is like having a car in your brain
not being one is like only being able to take the bus
the Christian can go anywhere
because their beliefs are not constrained by scientific evidence
while the non is restricted to the routes science offers

i have a problem with transparency
i can't be real with people i actually see

anything Christians can't understand they call sin
(it's easier to demonize what you don't or can't know
than confront it risking losing to it)

The rich have cheat codes for God

you figure out more about how code works
by it being sent bad input
just like you figure out more about how the world works
by being on the bottom
(the fact that if there is something visibly different about you
it is incumbent upon you to put people at ease about it)

i am sending the world a constant stream of bad input
by having a visible physical disability
(hackers send programs a constant stream of bad input as well
in a way my incursions resemble hacks)

I wish the church would ask me this question
do you want the production scorn
or the debug scorn?
(do you want me to be silent about what's wrong with you
or do you want me to tell you outright)

the older generation likes to whine
about younger people taking three selfies a day
well, looking good has never been better
because being alone has never been worse
(and this is because of the hyperindividualism
your generation brought on and cherished)

there is something to be said
about leaving it all on the field
whether through sport, dance, or pen
putting it all in, and walking away silent


atomized molecule - 7 26 18

it's ironic that when we take a shit we are giving it
but when we give a shit we're trying to take it

if you follow the life script society has set out for you
they'll accept you while not caring whether or not you're miserable
if you don't follow it
they'll actively try to make you feel miserable

modern psychology has made life all about
empowerment and personal happiness
but what ends up happening with this
is the personal happiness of the most powerful wins out

thinking for yourself is deemed so dangerous
that more than half the world's population
believes you'll burn forever for doing so

capitalism is adversarial by nature
because they're trying to charge the most
and you're trying to get the lowest price

you can try to be the change you want to see in the world
but the bill for being different might be so high
that you end up being so isolated you don't accomplish anything

to live a life of virtue is the saddest of things
to metabolize pain into love

for the majority of people
life is more like candy land than risk
(deterministic without the opportunity for strategy)

people control their beliefs
largely by which people they let into their lives

suicide is life's exit visa: if the means to end your life are being taken away from you
it means your life is about to get much worse!

the more hyper individualistic a society
the less character gets you
and the more personality does
(and then we wonder why people are so shitty)

when you're on the spectrum
you do things like social processing
in the software instead of the hardware

conservative Christians use their politics
to create a world so hopeless
that one is forced to rely on religion to survive it

you decide when a cell has turned to cancer
by when it starts to KILL YOU
the same way you decide a religion has branched off into heresy
by what IT DOES TO YOU!

when a woman rejects you for something you can change
it's usually about something you really can't
because when you'd do anything to get her back
that's when you can't do anything to get her back

love and war are mutually exclusive
when a relationship devolves into extracting concessions
it's pretty much already dead

(communicating with ex friends)
one you can accurately fill in the blanks
of how they would respond
the relationship is done

i don't need Jesus, i need what you say Jesus is, i need what you say Jesus does



broken specimen - 6 21 18

breaking "thou shall not covet"
was the backdoor that compromised our culture
with uncontestable consumerism
and unquestionable hyper individualism

marriage is an institution to tame and subdue
rich men, and hot women

judgment is just like it is in the Bible
there is no way to measure me
without modifying me
in fact, it destroys the specimen
like being put under an electron microscope

if real life social interaction
is fresh water that you have to do a lot of work to procure
social media is salt water
where the spigot is right next to you

the one with the most power
is not the one who makes the decision for you
but the one who forces you to choose in the first place

modern society is "right to friend"
anyone can drop out of your life for any or no reason
no matter how close you have been
or for how long you've been friends

I believe in the golden rule
whoever has the gold breaks the rules

when God closes one door
he usually closes a lot of others
at the same time

is it volunteering or unpaid work?
if you can't get out of it at a moment's notice
it's unpaid work

God's approval rating is 100% in heaven
and 0% in hell

pride comes before
making others fall

Christians are ironic
because they want you to live a life that isn't worth living
selfless and isolated
so they have to add to this
the fact that suicide is a sin that will damn

when society shuns you
the internet raises you

grit facing a work challenge
and grit facing prejudice
are about as different
as brussel sprouts
and radioactive brussel sprouts

i'm one of those people in Batman movies
that ends up turning into a villain

i trust God as far as i can throw him
that doesn't bode well for my chances in the next life

what the good people never told you
fortitude is like jet fuel
after enough suffering it runs out
and then you spiral down, crash, and burn


the last thing - 6 14 18

some people say "work up the courage"
but that never worked for me
i simply must do
there will be
or there won't be courage after the fact

in the BBS days
a CRC error corrupts a downloaded file beyond repair
just as the CRC church did irreparable damage to my faith
so it's not recognized as faith any more

truth is friend or foe
depending on how low in society you go

in today's world
you ignore your present
feel your station
and look your future

hyper individualism is like carbon monoxide
it's the most toxic for those of us at the bottom

i'm not going to do too well in the next life
because i put my conjecture in God
expecting him to say the things he already has to me

hope is acted out
not spoken
the actions always override the words
(so when people pull back from your life
they are communicating that you are in a hopeless situation)

mental illness often takes life
but before it does it makes you really bad at it
even when to the untrained eye it isn't so

most my friendships end
by becoming open faced submarines

there is little more emotionally rending
than being lied to about being loved
(be it by God or an SO)

making pride a sin
is like making breathing a sin

the last thing you gaze longingly at before going to bed
is your religion

man does not want God
man wants the stuff God is made of

do not tell me not to give in to despair
and then vicariously give in to it
by cutting me off!

..because when you see the devil
it burns a hole in your field of vision
like looking at the sun too long

the gods do not speak the same language as man

when Jesus doesn't respond being called as a friend
he eventually gets called as a slur

When God closes a door on something you held so dearly
he closes it on your fingers

love is the opposite of a candy
because it's sweet at first and then sour

people are like stars
they die in different ways
depending on how bright they shone


it's over the horizon, it's gone - 5 24 18

the idea you have innate worth is barter currency
that can't be used anywhere you would want it to

incels aren't despised because they're more evil than regular men
they are despised so
because they don't have anything else about them society values
so all you see is their character

when someone cuts out your primary source of happiness
it's like they're cutting out a region of your brain
everything gets processed differently and worse

the stories are the engine
and the experiences are the caboose
but what they don't tell you about
is the warring band of crooks
the ones in the caboose strip the head car of its engine
and rebuild it back in the caboose
the experiences are now the engine
and the stories are just being pushed along

mental illness often takes life
but before it does it makes you really bad at it

weapons are the extension of our fists
the social system is the extension of our blood

mankind is a vat of liquid nitrogen
you're dunked in
and smashed to pieces

shit usually rises to the top of the toilet water
just as shitty people usually rise to the top of organizations

that's the thing about people who are shallow
you dive into them you're fucked!!!!!!

when you sun down
parts of yourself go over the horizon

i believe in drugs
i believe in them
because i don't have to believe in them
in order for them to work
i believe in instant gratification
i want it right now
because waiting usually betrays a power imbalance
and often one has to choose between getting something right away
or not getting it at all
(because wait implies hope and hope implies trust)
i believe in fail safes
the plan B that gives the plan A the incentive to work
(that pizza that's free if it's more than 30 minutes late)
because the things that claim to never fail
are often the ones most averse to being put to the test

the people Christians save their worst for
aren't the ones spouting off God is dead
they are the ones who incarnate God as dead
by earnestly seeking God and finding nothing
by being treated like shit in church
by experiencing God as an ill trip
by an imperative to hope drawn from faith they can't concoct
by their virtues being punished, even by fellow Christians
by the idea of God being unable to conquer suicidal ideation
by the search for actual God going down like salt water
(Christians have a nose for the stench
for the people for whom the tomb is full)

Jesus hates me this I know
Because God's people told me so
Crazy ones who don't belong
Our existence is all wrong


NSFW-etry - 5 10 18

the social grace of a white lie glows
because it means you are high enough in society
for people to fudge their integrity a bit in your favor
in your presence

virtue is not its own reward
virtuous people are your reward

everything that's true to you
is true times two to me!!!!
(truth is just what holds true
and when you are on the bottom
truth squeezes twice as tight!!)

power is addictive as meth
that's why people with the former
are satisfied enough not to mess with the latter

divorce is like a death that you live through

most people are not loving not because they are evil
but because love is a finite commodity
you can only give what you've been given

once you can't trust yourself you can't trust God
because trusting God necessitates being able to trust yourself

people don't like your negative attitude because it gets them down
they hate it because it pushes you up (challenging their authority)

drugs are one of the few things in modern life that deliver what they promise
that's why we get the sweet, beautiful placebo effect from them!

man does not want God
man wants the stuff God is made of

upon visiting the john
I was pondering
how easily it is
for the relationship with your plus one
to turn into number two

some breakups are like constipation
you rock back and forth and groan
and you can never seem to just get the deed done
and when it finally comes
it's excruciatingly painful

other breakups are like diarrhea
very painful up to the point the deed is done
but a rush of relief
when you finally get them out of your system

and then there are the breakups that are like the fire shits
you knew it wasn't a good idea going in
and now it's twice as bad coming back out

I was born blind
and wear very thick glasses
which make some people uncomfortable
as with any disability it's incumbent upon the person with a disability
to clear the air about what makes them different
to make everyone else in the room comfortable
the story I'd use to put people at ease
I joined the air force after high school
and was going to be a fighter pilot
but it didn't end up working out
that's why, kids, you should never mastrobate

thieves are generally not gentle with stolen property
remember that when someone steals your heart



nothing left to take away - 3 29 18

the first thing you think about when you see me
is the thing i think about the most!

the Bible says "do not be anxious"?
well sorry Bible thumpers
my emotions don't obey commands

when you Evangelicals blackened those ovals
you blacked up your hands
when the Holy Spirit moved in you
to vote in the man who moved in on her
you grabbed the lever
for the one who he grabbed them by the pussy
you savaged the Jesus you're still trying to sell me
and I've been too worn down
to take take it back

there is nothing more shameful
than being evil but being bad at it

Despite what your therapist will tell you
The people in your life are the most important factors
Determining your happiness
Just as draft picks are the most important factor
Of determining a sports team's success

I know this is blasphemous
But I think Fox News
Is a lot more powerful working in Christians
Than the Holy Spirit
i know it's blasphemous but
a depression pill will help me more than Jesus ever will

most people in this modern world
just exist to channel society
every stranger's face
is just the same face at a different angle

All of us are between zero and one
Some of us round down to animal
While others round up to elect of God
(I am the former, I interact with and love animals
Deities not so much)

sometimes all that being a man means
handling disgrace gracefully

if Jesus is the truth
then i am an antichrist
because he draws truth toward him
while i draw truth away

very few, if any, people had more faith
than those who were utterly destroyed when theirs was broken

God is strange
because his absence
is felt more acutely
than his presence

and heaven followed the motto of
Antoine de Saint-Exupery
the perfection not of nothing to add
but of nothing left to take away


fortune blinked - 3 8 18

hope is a platitude, wishful thinking not so much

intelligence is like a penis
it's not the size that matters, it's how you use it

my life script is like a programming PHP script
when there are errors in it
it will precede to mangle all of the data it touches

believing what's true
is like paying with cash
while believing what's wishful
is like paying with credit card

people say God is dog spelled backwards
and it's true because he's the opposite of them
your interaction with your dog is observable
not heavily mediated by your brain
(so when there is something wrong with your brain
it doesn't make your dog behave different)
a lot of institutions don't have to brain wash you
into believing in your dog

forgiveness doesn't say "things will ever be the same"
it just says we'll learn to live, work, and love inside of the different

i don't think it's right to make fun of people
for trying to find God
it's just too human of a thing to want to do
like our other more carnal drives

when you trust God and he doesn't come through
he passes that failure on to you and you have to face others
and try to explain yourself but you can't
(like passing a cost increase on to the customer as a higher price)

You are not allowed to believe you have no power
Because that belief is empowering

it's not the people with charmed lives who ask for fail safes
it's the people who have suffered, trusted, and had their trust broken

The DIS in disability grows as you grow older.

the church verses the world
is like a taxi service verses Uber
you'd think the people specially trained at virtue (or driving) would do better
but most of the time that assumption is wrong

Spiritual abuse
Manifests itself physically
Because we cannot compartmentalize
(the Nazis where Christians who thought the Jews were going to hell)

religion's strongest argument
"because it provokes such a visceral reaction it must be true!

i am not an epicurean because i believe the supernatural doesn't exist
i am one because of the way it behaves

democracy only works until 51% of the population
votes to put to the other 49% to death

love is the opposite of a candy because it's sweet at first and then sour

a successful suicide attempt is a supernova
baring the energy of all the rest of their life
being let out in one burst

If fortune tellers were truly accurate
They would blackmail people
Threatening to tell them their fortune
If they didn't pay up


the ugly times - 2 8 18


Ugliness implicated in 85% of all cases of singleness

Punxsutawney Phil found frozen solid, winter to continue indefinitely

Extra-Terrestrials sick of being ignored by the mainstream media
Space aliens have never been bothered by the media portraying them as orifice-probing freaks. What bothers them is how "reputable" news sources like The New York Times and GQ don't take them seriously. The Weekly World News and Jeff Rense radio are the primary places one has to turn to to get the scoop on all "out-of-this-world" happenings. Another thing angering aliens is how they are injected into plots of shows with sagging ratings. "I mean, it doesn't take the intelligence of a civilization that has achieved trans-galactic travel to see when a show has jumped the shark."

Ugly petition ACLU to wipe Valentines Day off the face of the earth
This February the ugly finally took action against an agent of decades-long institutional discrimination commonly mistaken for the holiday Valentines Day. For the ugly, this corporate-driven celebration is just a stinging reminder of another lovelorn year gone by. While the ugly don’t think they can totally destroy Valentines Day, there has been a consensus within the community to boycott the holiday. “The Jews don’t celebrate Christmas, why should we have to celebrate Valentines Day?”

Landlord giving out free rent in exchange for being featured in his portfolio of tenants
Jim Billiards became elated when his landlord let him forgo the $1,200 rent on his studio apartment in exchange for being a featured tenant in the landlord’s portfolio. “I feel that having you as a renter is giving my properties badly needed exposure which will help me find more paying renters”. Renters at other properties were understandably jealous, particularly the graphic designers.

ISIS recruit obeys all posted signs in Grand Theft Auto Five

Area man votes to legalize hallucinogen in protest of governmental insanity

Facebook to rescind requirement that both parties have to acknowledge being in a relationship
For one day only Facebook is going to waive the requirement that both people have to agree on being in a relationship for it to show up on their site. Nice guys and incels are gearing up for a great day of changing their relationship status.

league of non voters issues a non binding statement condemning current administration

Forbes tells users to disable Adblock for a malware-lite experience

Same 100 people applying for every job opening
The latest labor department report indicates that that there are millions of unfilled positions, particularly in technology and service occupations. However, as many of you know, every time you apply for a job it seems like there are at least 100 others applying for the same position. You might ask, “where are all those jobs?”. Well it turns out that there are in fact millions of unfilled positions, it’s just that when you apply for one it’s you and the same 100 people applying to every single one. No explanation was given on why, assuming the other 100 people applied to unlimited amounts of vacancies, you never seem to get called back.

Wandering soul deemed not a good "cultural fit" for heaven
Matthew wasn't really that bad of a person in his life so he didn't think he had much to worry about upon meeting St. Peter. After his life review St. Peter said that yes, he didn't do anything that warranted damnation but he just wasn't a good "cultural fit" for heaven. It turns out the people in heaven are just as rejecting after they get there as they were before they did. And the coffee is just as bad. Matthew was instead sent to a spot in purgatory which wasn't as nice but had more accepting people in it.

This Just In: All women on the internet actually played by one man

U.S. Government admits it's recording all our calls but only for quality and training purposes

God answers year's most fervent prayer, Eagles Win Super Bowl


the goat - 1 25 18

Metacognition is just having a nose for your own stench

suffering is a friend enema

the truth of capitalism is like salt
it flavors the feast
and pains the wounded

here is something to think about in our financial instrument obsessed world
you only get out of people what you put into them
if you don't put courage into me i remain a coward
if you don't treat me as if my future is hopeful i remain hopeless
if you don't love me i remain unloving
if you don't have faith in me i remain faithless

the hurtful things that come out of your mouth??
water off their back
or mercury in their blood

incidents of forgiveness are like lotto winnings
because you are incessantly reminded of them
you think they could actually happen to you

as long as there are wrongs that flash so hard
they get burned in your field of vision
forgiveness will blink <>

when you ask someone to hang out
but they bust out the chestnut "i'm busy" excuse
ask them what you could do to make interactions with you
part of their busy or relaxation

the unspeakable things that happen to us
cause us to be spoken of
more than we are spoken to

the fact that truth exists and that it is beautiful
is evident in how destructive lie after lie becomes
(and the more you lie to someone the more the opposite of that lie [that truth] gets stuck in their head)

(as for the supernatural)

men want to be marriageable as much as women want to marry

people ascertain their worth as a person
by how they're treated, not by what they're told

i'm not supposed to see myself as the victim
according to the oppressor

making belief come before the evidence
is like making thunder come before the lightening

divorce is reverse pornography
where the women do dirty things to the men
and then take them to the cleaners

depression calls you by name
if your name was “i want you to kill yourself”

the most convincing argument for God being imaginary
is if your imagination is your friend, so is God
if not, not so much
(the people whose brain loves them the most love God the most)

goats will eat anything, but "existence precedes essence"
is what this goat likes eating the most!

God told me to kill myself
If I had kept listening to him
he'd probably start telling me to kill you too!


forced installation - 1 11 18

humanities knowledge accrues through the ages
but scientific knowledge often gets written over
with each passing age

Cotard's syndrom isn't necessarily "i am dead"
it's just that everything is happening exactly as your beliefs would dictate

those who control our fate
are the ones who get the angriest when we become fatalistic

the people who wield the most power
are the ones who made the empowering things uncool

we are loved as pets
affection given is bound to possession
of course love is a component of said possession
but it comes tied to us being or doing something
i love the cat that I own
but I own it and thankfully it's not smart enough
to know this love stems from being owned and little else

we need to employ something i call judicious whining
it's not OK that people don't visit you in the hospital
it's not OK that women are savaged on computer and phone screens
it's not OK that we don't have to give a reason for buying something
but do have to give a reason for hanging out with someone
it's not OK that you get treated worse in church than at the bank
it's not OK when the elder yawn when large portion of high school kids struggle with anxiety and depression and then go apeshit over transgender bathroom bills
sometimes we complain so much that people tune out all our concerns

when people see the skid marks of the shit that has happened to you
they ghost you

hope shares three letters with power
but they both share a heart!

if little tragedies are like a worm being cut in half
the part of it with the brain is conjecture
the part of it without, wishful thinking

the volt o meter for how much power you have
is how good you are treated!

social capital is a YES on the other end of the line
let's do something!
as for an unanswered communication, that silence is death's breaths

religion is like an insurance risk pool
it only works if everyone participates
(those at the top being virtuous too)

when it comes to trusting entities further out
trust becomes deceiving yourself into thinking
that the other party has your best interests in mind

life happens in permanent marker
what is done can't be erased
but looking good is like getting an unlimited amount of white boards

my disability is my executioner's mask
i can execute but all they see is the mask
not the execution

life is a video game
and—oh dear—marriage is the end boss

when you've taken away the things that make one's life worth living
you've done better than killed someone

obeying God's voice is like installing a Windows update
you'll do it eventually when you're not paying attention

the Trump era will pass
but it will pass like a kidney stone


quit becoming - 12 21 17

trust is not blanket or unilateral, it involves feedback loops (like he doesn't cheat)
if you aren't getting something out of trust
it quits becoming trust

the GOP is Godzilla's Own Party
because they are raising a rampage
destroying our budget, healthcare, protections, and environment

what happens when "let go and let God"
becomes "hold on and concoct God"

I do believe in the Holy Spirit
and I look to Christians' behavior
to ascertain his movement

the placebo response is always dipping bread in bowls of water
it betrays whether or not you have faith!
(because if you really believe something is true
the belief will make you feel different)

when a dog hates you he snarls at you
when God hates you he snarls at you through his people

how you are treated in church says something about God
regardless of whether Christians allow you to believe this or not

people know they can land you the death blow
loading you down with emotional pain
so when you experience physical pain from somewhere else
it pushes you over the edge

hope requires power (to counter bad actors making your life horrible)
the same way a light bulb requires electricity

there can be no grand unified theory
because how things work for those on the bottom
is a black box
God being "near" to them or modern psychology being applicable to them

all the false religions require one to take a leap of faith
just like the one true one!

the more real you are
the less those who love what's imaginary like you

Blog post: Your Life, A Country


knock knock - 12 07 17

you can knock Christianity
but realize that it did help bring us humanism and Christmas

if you have negative value
society makes you make up for it
by allowing you to only think positive thoughts

is the way light answers prayers

Facebook—it figures that a platform that helps make life not worth living
would be so vigilant about keeping it's users from suicide

love really is like a crime
because when someone tells you they love you
the first thing you do is look for evidence

trying to be a good person
you are rewarded
in a way that's not rewarded

when you are on the bottom
you get treated like what comes out of the bottom

the idea that God is near to those at the margins is unfalsifiable
because those at the margins have no voice
so anyone experiencing the opposite is shut up rather quickly

being mad at God
is like being mad at a color

people vote with their feet, their wallet, and their carbon dioxide
(they'll let you know whether you are living a life they disapprove of
by walking out of your life and not speaking to you)

bipolar disorder makes you feel indestructible for 2 days
(and in those two days you destroy your life)

better to be destroyed by the devil than by God

it's very hard to not make everything about you
when the way you're judged involves everything about you!
(people treating you bad for looking different or not having money)

you KNOW you are on the bottom
when people base your value on how much you can function
but don't base institution's values on how much THEY function
(the church and vocational world can be as shitty as they want
because they have POWER)

despite what religious people would like you to believe
there is nothing noble
about negative self talk

rewards on earth are better than rewards in heaven
because how you're treated on earth is in large part
based on how you've been rewarded

my depression maxes out at 25mph
but it catches up with me eventually

how i get treated in church is my religion
and it seems to point towards an empty cross
but a full tomb!

"trust God"
people use the term trust God when they really mean defer to God
because to the unaided ear
trust sounds like you'll actually get something out of the deal
(in our generation trust has become decoupled from deference)

a rich person's dog is treated better than a poor person's god

a love that damns
is better than a hate that saves


spewing - 10 26 17

CRC Acrostic (for the 500th anniversary of the reformation)

bullshit spewing
closed off
holier than thou
Kent County
LGBT averse
quashing dissent
single shaming
tone deaf
winners only
young ignoring
zoned out

God's hard no
is seen in his people's soft no

love is bilateral extraction
where enabling is just unilateral extraction

what everybody in America values:
money and wholeness of mind and body

people are S T A R V E D for sincere affirmation
(that's why they love likes so much)

wisdom isn't like a government bond that accrues with age
it requires a lot of listening
to fresh and uncomfortable perspectives

my thoughts are guided by entropy as well!
I go from philosophies that involve high cognitive dissonance
to ones that involve low cognitive dissonance

I am a coward
The cowardice that has caused me to make so little of myself
also causes me not to off myself

it gets better?
it only gets better when you have the capacity to make it better
your gains in empowerment to cancel out their abuse

when you are depressed your brain scrapes against the truth too much
you share your brain with society's
so you always see always see the things you have to do from their perspective

if i could articulate the reason abuse is so much worse than just plain pain
my life will have been worth living

evil works like bitcoin mining where the power needed to fight it doubles
after a certain amount has been unearthed

the part of the heart that impales you as it falls further down
is love and concern you have for other people


on ice - 10 12 17

joy is a weasel word
it ostensibly means happiness
but when pressed Christians admit it's not
upon continued pressing asking if it's anything good
they keep on backpedaling
until it's clear the word is just empty Christian lingo
with a meaning non Christians can't possibly understand

all that's good about their faith
they call Jesus
and all that's bad
they call religion

after the age of 35
what goes on a man's wallet
is much more important
than what goes on in his head

in America you are treated based upon how you've been rewarded
for me the rewards aren't so much the best part
but the respect those rewards entail
seeing the room light up when you enter it

if suffering does make you a better person
it doesn't make you any kind of better
that society rewards

the wave is what society says is important
the undertow is what really is important
when you're on top
you're moved by the wave
when you're on the bottom
you're sucked by the undertow

hearts are like stickers
when they keep sticking to and being peeled off different things
they lose their adhesive
and don't stick to much any more

a friend that sticks around
is better than an SO
that will just come and go

the difference between the godful and the godless
to the former life is a miracle to the latter living is

the religions that have a tradition of romanticizing suffering
also have a tradition of making others suffer

just because a lot of my emotional damage has been self-inflicted
doesn't mean it wasn't carried out against my will

when you're bipolar without depression treatment
thoughts of suicide come so often
that they become shallow

mental illness is a brain moving on ice
a large span of moments
where you have zero control over what thoughts
come and go

moving into middle age isn't a state line you cross
it's looking at the scenery going by
and surmising you are now there

you're only as safe
as the character of the company you keep


cut the wrong way - 9 21 17

Turns out millennials are killing every industry under the sun
Madison Avenue's worst nightmare is that that we will stop wanting
what we can't have

make the size of your success
match the size of your ego
or else you're in for a world
of emotional and social hurt

Christianity is like sushi
when it's good it's good
and when it's bad it is terrible

when we confide or royally fail
knives and guns come out our mouths
weapons others can freely use against us

suffering a little bit of a specific thing
will inoculate you against romanticizing the suffering
of those who suffer more of it

truth is TALL
it marks the gaps
between high status
and low status people

the parts of yourself you lose to mental illness
are GONE forever
but often the moments of when you lost them
remain clear in your memory

they call the action of sacrifice selfless
because you are less of yourself
after doing it

if you bring happiness to a relationship
it will be multiplied
if you bring unhappiness to it
it will be multiplied as well

people like to pretend not acknowledging the existence of disability
will make it go away and everything will be fine
well if my disabilities could have been shamed away
I'd be perfectly cured by now

the church wasn't meant to give an answer to the world's evil
but to answer it

helping people away from the edge
doesn't do so permanently
so you have to keep on giving it

you can't will deep faith
just like you can't will yourself to sleep
and when faith breaks it just attacks you
like a puffer fish that poisons you
when cut the wrong way

God is like a crush
he knows people will pursue him 1,000% more
when he ignores them

God is like a porcupine
try to pursue him while his back is turned to you
and you will hurt

permanent is just too many temporaries in a row
and eternity is just too many permanents in a row


taking damage - 9 14 17

there are two types of people in this world
those who look good
and those who wished they looked better

there might be ugly things about being beautiful
but those cat calls
ensure you'll get the top dog

in America you are treated based on how you've been rewarded
I don't think consumerism is going anywhere

getting a job is like figuring out how to buy weed
neither can be done online

the rulers make the rulers
everything and everyone are measured with

those people who say your suffering is for good
generally end up leaving your life for good

i am the fractal of faithlessness
the pattern recursing to the most microscopic of dimensions
i do not hold any beliefs i can't cash out at any minute

the more about you people can only say behind your back
the worse of a life you are going to face

rock bottom is where you build your foundation from
that is, unless you find out it was a false bottom
and you fall deeper

supply and demand in relationships works like this:
those who want to commit
are often damaged goods
but those one wishes to be committed to
are a prize

we must not criticize people who made bad choices
when all they had were bad options

there's a little bit of God in every Christian
and since God hates me
that little bit of God in them
lights up their hatred of me

hell breaks some time
and earth is rather fragile, BUT
heaven works perfectly

i know who holds the future
i know who shakes the future
like a baby
(I’m more afraid of who holds the future than what the future holds)

i pound you with my brain
you remain outside, above, and unscathed

Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus
you have heard of Jesus
but you haven't heard of Zus-Gee
who died and came back to life but in reverse
giving everyone their sins back
] love dosn't work in both directions [
]] keep in mind the truth likes you just as much as you like it [[

depression is just truth pressed together
in your brain too tightly

hope is like a club those without are kept out of
that's why i hate people using that word

life wouldn't take me
so I took it


received as one - 8 31 17

what's the difference between a nice guy and a good man?
about fifty grand!

man kind created religion
because his physical weapons weren't good enough
to keep people under control

anti psychotic medication
is prescribed for dealing with society's craziness
as much as it is for dealing with your own

proctologists and retail employees have similar jobs
they both are dealing with assholes all day

the difference between getting screwed over
and getting screwed over and liking it
is attitude

your eyes are the windows to the soul
but others' eyes trained on you are the doors to it
because so much rests on your physical appearance

the only thing i ever learned from pain
was that i didn't want to be in it

no matter what you think you are
remember that society counts in binary
you are either a one or a zero to them
in our American culture
when you have nothing
you *are* nothing
(that's just the way late stage capitalism functions)

the younger generation must learn
freedom does not mean free for all
(some apps like Sarahaha you should just not use if you’re young)

i believe in societal hedonism
i am the most happy when society is most delighted in me

you can't beat pride out of someone
you can only beat it into different shapes

assessing pride is like assessing cockroaches
you see one scuttling about
it means there's at least 12 behind the wall

your ego will take you far if your fate, like a wing, gives it lift
if not, it will suffocate you like carbon monoxide

my ego was forcibly ripped from me
and not in a way that the rest of me
will ever heal

the ego deflates when punctured
and the cushion that softened the landing
is gone in a few seconds

don't take things personally
from people who don't think you are a person to begin with

abuse is a tourniquet
it stops gushing bad behavior
at great cost

maybe if Jesus would have advocated on my behalf
to get church people to treat me OK
I would have stayed religious

I am becoming an antinatalist
(wishing I was never born)
because if life truly were a gift
mine would be received as one


broken while remaining working - 8 17 17

i am a creature of shame
when i turn red, it's what my insides are anyway

I find the experience of depression kind of co-opts the faith
as you do your self-flagellation
in the name of your illness
instead of in the name of God

whatever happens in Grand Rapids
stays in Grand Rapids
(because the costal elites don't give a crap about us)

remember, you are going to be 100% responsible
for what you were 51% sure of doing

mania is the shopping spree
depression is the bill

most people aren't good to people
they're good at people

empathy isn't a virtue
it's more of a technology like splitting the atom
which can be used for good or ill

good and evil often aren't in opposite directions
they are parallel tracks
you can jump between at will

belief is a flame
the winds of suffering for said belief
will stir it into a rage once it gets past a certain point of intensity

systems remain broken
because they remain working
from the perspective of those at the top
who benefit the most from them

cracking a true smile
opens a gate to all good times past
just a crack

people need to move past a threshold of hope
before they rise up and start fighting for their rights

the only heaven we have until we (possibly) reach heaven
is being heaven to each other
being virtuous and loving
otherwise we have only hell

you can tell your church is blazing a torch for justice
when people are tagging swastikas on it

sometimes being salt and light
involves your wounds being salted,
to light up the pain in them

hate NEVER sleeps
because hate never needs sleep
the forces of evil never sit still
so why should we?

i'm not feeling as bad as i should
watching this whole thing burn

the problem with opening a heart
is that this act is irreversible
that heart can never be closed again
no matter how desperately one pleads for it to be

love doesn't always win
but it often dies trying


cognitive triangulate - 8 10 17

pleasurability, ease of preparation, and nutritional value
the eating iron triangle

All I think of when one brings up traditional Christian doctrine
God and the devil are playing chess
but God is moving the devil's hand
every time it's his move

Christians play lip service to vilifying arrogance
but in reality arrogance protects one's faith
once one admits "I don't know"
it leaves an opening for faith to bleed out

modern psychology just did a search and replace
replacing "believe in God"
with "believe in yourself"
and the imperative to love God
with the imperative to love yourself
if you agree religion was broken
what makes you think a sloppy cut and past job on it
is going to do any better?

don't celebrate the decline of religion too much
it really just means those in power have found other means of controlling people

walk by faith / walk by sight
is a false dichotomy
walk by brain!
(because you see with your brain, not your eyes)
sight and faith coalesce in the brain

trust flies out of my being
like profanity flies out of my mouth
it happens behind my back
and, I wish, against my will

IF you can do to your brain
what a clown can do to a balloon
I salute you!
the cognitive tricks you play
are necessary to survive

the thing modern psychology and religion hate the most
is you owning your poor self image
because this keeps you from renting it from them

people say a man can be whatever he wants
not what society expects him to be
but the truth is, most times, if you do you
no one else will

a man without POWER
is a word without letters

to be full of yourself
you need a self
worth being full of

as long as the stick is just outside of my field of vision
i will never obey you out of love

forgiveness for me is like saying one plus one equals banana
the wrong you do to me goes and stays in my muscle memory

what we fear is so much worse than we can worry

dope is much more readily available
than hope

suicide is a horrible way to die
but depression is a horrible way to live


brain to mouth - 7 27 17

it doesn't matter how hard you work
it matters how hard you're Dutch

religion is like alcohol
some get to enjoy
others it gets to destroy

you are over the hill
when time starts making you uglier and uglier

liberals don't make me try to swallow bullshit
like man is basically good
and status isn't the most important thing for a man to have
we need to be more forthright on the left
or the truth telling will be left to the right!

your brain is like a folder in a computer operating system
people tell you the memories in it should be ordered by date
but you know they are ordered by most recent access

to keep people from sinning
the punishment must be as much pain
as the sin is pleasure

disliking people is like a boarding a train
you run along the grudge's tracks

non existence to existence is entropic
so is the other way around

there is no place where the ideal and the actuality
are further apart than in church

love without sex
is rain without thunder

i asked a fortune teller to see my future
and she said she couldn't do it because I didn't have one

The fruit of the spirit is
love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness and self control
but the vegetables they're paired with are
enabling, anti depressants, anxiety meds, getting nothing, being walked on, and remaining invisible

networking at a professional meetup to get a job is akin to playing tennis
and expecting your opponent to put the ball somewhere you can hit it

some people don't make bad choices
bad choices just kind of happen to them

remember if you expend all that energy trying to be virtuous
you often won't have enough left over to do the things
that help you get ahead

Christianity is like math
some people are fond of it
but have no aptitude for it
so they fall away

the more damaged a plant
the better the growing conditions need to be
for it to regain life
the same holds true for people

depression puts your brain in Chinese handcuffs
the harder you think
the tighter they get

depression is like drowning
it's often difficult to observe someone
who is on the way to being killed by it

you can't detect your loss of loving kindness
because the capacity to see that it has gone is included in said loss


goes without saying - 6 29 17

they say not to compare yourself to people on Instagram
because that's just their highlight reel
and you don't know what's behind the scenes
but I bet you people without a highlight reel
have it even worse behind the scenes

mandatory sunny discourse hurts those at the bottom the most
because they are the plants that get what little light is left over
after the ones on top have taken most of it in

hard work always pays off
it's just that the rewards usually go to someone besides you

hate is like a virus
it's not alive
it just reanimates when brushed up against

people who tell you you have innate worth
just do so people who possess things that society actually values
like looks, money, and status
feel like the love they get is for who they really are
instead of what they have to offer

this might go without saying
but regardless of whether religion is true
you really have to believe in it
for it to do anything for you
(and once you stop receiving the placebo response from truly believing
you fall away pretty quickly)

Quit romanticizing the same suffering that is keeping me
from being accepted in a church
beyond logic, perhaps?

those in control are always telling us
to "focus on what you have"
but people already focus on what they have
if they don't have a future
they focus on their past

the disabled dig a shallower well
when drought comes
they're the first to die of thirst

"shallow" and "deep" are just euphemisms for "I disagree" and "I agree"

modern psychology teaches us to double down on our pride when we are beaten
unlike Jeudeo-Christian morals which uses these moments to humble us
(perhaps the elites could have learned something from last election)

if you can only move in one dimension
along the train tracks
middle age is like a train barreling towards you
it doesn't kill you when it hits you
but you wish it did

the more damaged a plant
the better the growing conditions need to be
for it to regain life
the same holds true for people

when what you experience is off Christianity's map
expect God's people
to treat you as bad or worse than God does!

there are no passwords in heaven
but there aren't any in hell either


don't, didn't - 6 8 17

there is a name for a weather phenomenon that occurs
at the frontal boundary between others who want to suck you dry
and you standing up for yourself, finally putting yourself first
it's called a shit storm

having power doesn't make your life much better in and of itself
it does so by being able to override so many of the things
that make your life miserable

if mandatory positivity
came with mandatory privilege
then we'd all have about the same amount
of negative things going on
as it is forcing positivity is just a tool of oppression
to keep those at the bottom who experience tons of negativity

don't pray for me
treat me as if my prayers had actually worked

intimacy is a smokescreen
(your feelings come from you)
each person has their own separate personal intimacies
how close one feels often has little bearing
on how close they actually are to the other person
(if there could ever be any objective measurement of
intimacy in the first place)

religion is not a craft like woodworking
there's a point where more knowledge
does more harm than good

if my dreams make you uncomfortable
that's OK
you didn't dream them


crooked embrace - 6 1 17

governance is a craft
one should feel intrinsic reward
for doing it well

the most important thing you can understand about mating
is people aren't looking for people
they are looking for *things*
physical appearance, money, status, etc..
it is almost incidental that there are actually people
attached to these things
(and dealing with the people is an unfortunate side effect)

the fact that there are going to be less and less jobs
but the same amount of people
means the people who provide said jobs
can treat those with them worse and worse

the difference between science and religion
religion calls itself truth by decree
while science sends test cases down the pike
to draw truth out

i am anti carnational
i draw out truth
i am the storm trooper rifle bolted down
that still misses!

for those of privilege
virtue is rewarded while the lack of is tolerated
for those further from privilege
virtue is tolerated while the lack of gets you locked up

polite society's acceptance of talking about something
is inversely proportional
to its ramifications

people who say your happiness isn't tied to your circumstances
say so because they want license to mess with your circumstances
with impunity!

self esteem to society is like walking by a loose rabid dog
you have to fake you're strong so the dog doesn't attack you
it has nothing to do with what you really are

successful people take a vow of silence
towards those they knew who ended up unsuccessful

i may be godless,
but i know better what light is
than those who claim to be emanating it

art is subversive
there is so little virtue today
that virtue becomes subversive
so virtue becomes art

love is like a show
it seems like magic
but it's actually caused by tons of interconnected A/V equipment
doing their jobs perfectly

why are the people headed for hell
often warmer?

if religion could treat mental illness
churches would need overflow rooms
to accommodate the influx of millennials

as you are losing a piece of yourself
there is often a warm embrace
where you get to experience the piece one last time
before it’s gone for good


humanism wasted on humans - 5 18 17

politics is looking less and less like NASCAR
and more and more like Mario Kart

as our current regime forcibly demonstrates
when you lose humanism
you lose everything
just like how it doesn't matter how much else you do well
if your basketball team can't make baskets they will lose

for me trust and deference are mutually exclusive
if you want deference from me I'll give it
but that doesn't mean I trust you
deference just means I give you cart blanch to do
whatever the fuck you want with me
however, when I trust someone I expect to get something out of it
if I don't get something out of it
it quits becoming trust
so for you men and gods that want both trust and deference
I have nothing to offer you
I can't give you both at the same time
just as my body can't be in two locations at once

the more of a lie a philosophy is
the higher the price they put
on disagreeing with it

one of the cruelest things about life
is you often don't know if a decision was the right one
until years later
(it's like an ill trip on LSD you dropped eons ago)

w(hen) you marry someone
it's like you're eating them
because they so often turn to shit

the wages of sin might be death
but the benefits are great

the people no one talks to at church
are being treated that way for a very good reason
the people ignoring them would definitely not like
what would come out of their mouths
had they given them a chance to open it

your pastor and therapist lied to you
teaching you that most of life wasn't a zero sum game
the truth is there are much less good things in life than there are people
and you getting them necessitates others going without
for example when you pray to get that good job
(or that man with a good job)
you are seeking a divine blessing
to outbid a bunch of others for it

there are two types of approaches to God's promises
those who look for the evidence of them
and those who get their mind to produce the evidence

yes the heart does have breaks
those are used for
when your crush cuts you off

love is like aloha
it's the hello of giving
and the goodbye of taking
all at once

i'm going to end up in hell
but for reasons other
than what you think


divorces us - 5 11 17

God will save me
but whatever he does I will have to play cognitive tricks
to be aware of it constituting saving
religion might save, but it is the mechanics of psychology
that have saved religion
(but "psychology saves" doesn't have the same ring to it)

we are not allowed to be hopeless
because being hopeless means something in our environment has to change
to restore some hope
which means hopelessness often asks something of the people around us

if God is our father
and earth is our mother
do you think they're getting along anymore?
what if God's people revered the earth
as much as the one they claim created it?
when they build highways
on top of native burial grounds
do the spirits wander the earth
and close in on those with brains not tough enough
to keep out the supernatural?
Sometimes when you oppress the people
who tell you to care about the earth
That very idea also endures oppression
But let's care about the dead and our children
If the earth divorces us
we die

social progress is happening so rapidly
that the wise are often young
and the fools are often old!

When you adopt a canine remember that
there are many more puppy people than there are dog people

if i would have been born ten years later
when I was a baby
they would have done the cataract surgery on my eyes right
and I could have gotten intraocular implants
so i looked normal
(we all know how you look is how you're seen
and most everything in life flows out of how you're seen)
and I get it we aren't allowed to believe
our lives would be so much better
if we didn't have a visible disability
but that doesn't keep the fact from being true

(cleaning for people)
my dad tries to get me to do dirty jobs
but dirty jobs are often the most helpful
even as they leave a stain of low station on you

God's people are a peep hole
you can see God's opinion of you through

I go to a church
God's rays penetrate
I go home more deranged than I came
(these are gamma rays, not rays of the sun)

hypomania is a starred Mario
But back to depression
You pick up with the amount of fortitude
You left off with

when a close friend ghosts you
a part of you turns into a ghost


say what you want - 4 20 17

Beatitudes and More (dynamically generated content) - may have to press run button in top left if viewing on phone

say what you want about stick up men
and the dirty deed they perform
but at least they're honest
if asked they would tell you they're not here to dialogue
some of my friends on the right need to learn from stick up men
a threat to life and livelihood is not dialogue
there is no dialogue to be had about taking people's healthcare away
there is no dialogue to be had about making immigrants and refugees live in fear
there is no dialogue to be had about removing people's right to love who they wish
there is no dialogue to be had about poisoning our air and water
there is no dialogue to be had about letting special needs kids languish
there is no dialogue to be had about leaving the planet uninhabitable for our children
I'd be happy to dialogue things that warrant it
but don't use the "let's dialogue" trope
to make your threats seem more dignified

character isn't imparted
it's formed slowly
layer by layer
similar to the way a 3D printer prints models

culture is a culture
pervasive, choreographed from the power centers
NYC, LA, and Nashville
authority amorphous, imparted by psychology
so we think we're thinking for ourselves

according to Evangelicals
hell and Papa Murphy's have the same slogan
love at 425 degrees


gift economy - 4 6 17

this one goes out to the job creators
who say there are jobs out there
but no one with experience to fill them
(because no one is willing give a person
experience in the first place)
you cut off the first three rungs on the corporate ladder
and blame us for being underemployed
there is a door called opportunity
but those of us who have actually tried opening it
know that it's painted on the wall
I get it that you want to pretend
the whole job application process is meritocratic
but you know who is going to get that job
when it's between a new very qualified person and one of your Dutch buddies
and for those of us far from privilege it gets even worse
you use our gaps on our resume (often due to prejudice)
to discriminate against us and call us unqualified
we are discouraged from believing it's a zero sum game
but there are so many less jobs that pay a living wage
than there are people

and you can't resign from being unemployed
(or at least not in a way that won't get you thrown in the mental ward)

you think we outnumber the 1%
but they control psychology
and that multiplies their power by a thousand
so they really outnumber us ten to one

overcoming fear isn't playing and winning at cognitive tricks
to smoke and mirror your fear away
victory is STANDING UP to the object causing your fear
and overcoming them

why would you assume
that those who went through suffering
with their powers of articulation intact
would speak on behalf of those who didn't?

Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life
I am in the way, draw out truth, and believe I'm already dead

the devil might be an angel of light
but he still casts a long shadow

bipolar disorder is the worst illness to pray away
because it can seem like it's gone
before disaster hits down the line

humanism is a gift from the divine
taken for granted
and sorely missed now that it's gone

you combine psychology and religion
and you get a beast Satan only wish he could have become
(culpable for our bitterness or stress)
psychology has the capability to weaponize religious beliefs

shaming men who don't have a job because there are no jobs
is like shaming people for dying of hunger in a famine

nature is more beautiful than man in full view
that's why consumers clamor for 4k nature videos
but not 4k porn

suicide happens when the means to end your life
are more accessible than the means to begin it


pick up that crow bar - 3 16 17

when you are winning
when people sEE you candy comes out of their eyes instead of bile

my mind is like a crow bar
good at tearing things apart
not much else

Christians thought going from polemical to existential would bring more skeptics in
but as it turns out, it's even harder to feel that God is real than it is to know he is

when you fail
whether you are a person like me
or a state like Somalia
people want nothing to do with you
and scarcely acknowledge your existence

you're not unhappy because you're single
you're unhappy because of the thing that's making you undesirable
change that and you'll be happy regardless of your relationship status

religion only benefits me when I have the strength to force it down myself
like a tune that only plays while the jack in the box is being wound
(when you stop putting forth effort, the music stops)

you can say the moral universe isn't real
in the same way you can say math isn't real
(you can't see math yet math can be seen)

psychology is the psychopath that makes midnight appear like noon day
when something is a lie
you can almost always grease it with psychology
to make it appear true

the problem with so much of Christianity being propped up by psychology
is that when people start educating them selves about psychology
they'll see right through what they've been fed and you'll lose them

cognitive tricks
are the psychological equivalent of credit default swaps
they're great... NOW

the brain is like electrical wiring on a house
play too many cognitive tricks
and it becomes a mess of crossed wires
eventually the outlets will shock you

the people who stick with you when your shit isn't together
are the ones you should stick with when it does come together

if you think you only had one chance in your life to marry
that means you didn't have any chance to stay married

(negative symptoms)
breaking down is entropic
from a complex element to a simpler one
with every episode you lose more and more of yourself in exchange for

with having a disability
the "there is so much more to me" trope doesn't apply
the reason Christians are rejecting you is because there's TOO MUCH to you
too much that makes them uncomfortable
too much that would unravel their cozy little world of
comfort food and votive candles

the further along you are being destroyed by mental illness
the more of your soul is already in the hereafter
equal parts heaven and hell

God is deadpan
it's blatantly obvious where he is and where he isn't


be it God or the devil - 2 16 17

people are so obsessed with politics because rule rules

trying unsuccessfully to tap into God's strength
is like a cell phone trying to reach a distant tower
the battery gets killed pretty fast

good things in your life
happen in exchange for relinquishing power
just as a rocket moves forward
after pushing back propellant
(for example buying something,
exchanging money [liquid power]
for a good or service)

to those in power, happiness is just changing the definition of happiness
to something that isn't actually happiness
and then declaring most people happy

you are a penny and seem worthless alone
but ten million joined together make a hundred grand
a show of force

people really are a bank account, not a credit card
you only get out of them
what you put into them

Christians don't really believe prayer to be powerful
by the way they treat the living examples of it not working

the name of God is just a lure
for a thousand devils to rush in
Wheaton's god sure turned out to be the devil
(now I understand that God and Satan sit right next to each other on the radio dial
and both sound the same to the unaided ear)

yeah America is polarized
but i think we have got a case of false equivalency here
one side is trying to kill us by taking away our health care
voiding our marriages so we can't visit the one we love in the hospital
pushing us to destitution by removing our workplace protections
destroying our sister's healthcare access including routine preventative care
making our immigrants and refugees live in constant fear while their children get bullied
taking away funding for special ed so our special needs children languish
making Gen x, Gen y, and especially Gen z suffer by not addressing climate change

sometimes being salt and light
involves your wounds being salted,
to light up the pain in them

Satan would much rather have you worship yourself than himself

a man goes as crazy over finding a good job
as a women does over having a kid

it's impossible obey the command to love your enemies
while you are failing to tap into God's strength

you meet people through people
be it God or the devil

I think in this day and age what we’ve seen at home and abroad (using football play parlance)
the devil is out of the pocket

the past is read-only
but the book is shoved in your face

the grave tugs at you harder and harder
the closer you get to it


the rock sank - 2 2 17

taking away the reality of a moral universe
is like removing the use of numbers from language

it's difficult to believe in the supernatural unless it’s going after you

learn to code, not because it will make you any money
(it most likely won't) but so your intelligence will meet its match

God doesn't save directly
he saves by proxy
using good men
to overpower evil men (while there are still good men left)

piety and virtue are lie on separate axis
you have to be intentional about virtue
just believing in a religion won't make you any better of a person
in fact it might make you worse because you won't work on virtue
you'll just coast imagining your faith will automatically make you good

the part of the brain that parcels out focus
and blocks out overstimulation is impaired in the autistic
just as the part of the brain that keeps focus on what is seen
and blocks out the spirit world is impaired in the severely mentally ill

a word's meaning is created by how it is used
not how it is defined
to my cat the word love is not a good thing
because it means I'm going to cuddle him
while he tries to squirm away

sometimes i think the alt right is just the alter ego driven by your mental illness
because they're basically saying the same thing

resist Trump—and he'll Trump up some charges against you
and get you thrown in the clink

voting for a despot is an entropic process
you can vote him in but not vote him out

humanism was the momentum of the rock skipping across plane of the water
that kept arc of history from sinking straight to the bottom

government is like an appliance
you don't notice your washer when it's functioning fine
but when it breaks it's all you notice

solidarity is so important
because when you are alone reading a news article
it's just you and Trump
and the things he says
are literally what your mental illness would tell you

the second half of look is OK
because people who LOOK good are more OK
because they are less likely to be lonely

if Moses was bathed in today's society's wisdom
he would have come down from the mountain
with a mirror in one hand
and a wallet in the other

when you become a success
you don't just earn your stripes
you earn your buns
because you achieve the right to be an asshole

doing the right thing doesn't make the news cycle

don't tell people life is all about personal happiness
and then be surprised when they off them selves
after seeing no viable path to it


the greater - 1 26 17

news stories are like seeds
the ones that are buried sprout the biggest ramifications

the work world is nuts
and usually for peanuts

you can't kill Satan
because Satan is inside the bullet

religion stops helping you
the moment you stop really believing in it
and this happens independent of
whether a god exists or not

the greater of two evils
is going to work their hardest at portraying
the lesser of two evils as too evil for your tastes
so you choose neither and they win by default

when God punishes you enough
people view interactions with you
as one of his punishments

spirits are singular forms
but manifest in many types of expression
like how one HTML page can be styled with many different cascading style sheets
to change its appearance drastically
(can be seen as flashes of light, beasts, or geometric patterns)

resentment builds up in the heart
like mercury builds up in the blood

(being exposed to the truth!)
things that exercise your brain
make it hurt
when it's out of shape

the devil is a gentleman to those everyone else is a gentleman to
fall further down and all his errs are off

how you've been shamed shapes how you experience shame
how you've been lied to shapes how you experience truth
how you've been hopeless shapes how you experience hope

the things that would be most freeing for us
are the ones those in power get the most cagey about
when brought up

the people with just above average IQ rule the world
because in that sweet spot of intelligence
where you're smart enough to produce bullshit
but not smart enough to see through it
(most other people don't see through their bullshit either
and the ones who do don't rule the world
precisely because nodding and smiling when bullshit is spewed
is how you make it in this world)

pastors and ad men trade in exclamation points
scientists trade in question marks

psychology says we want to kill ourselves when we are insane
and want to live when we are sane
bipolar disorder says exactly the opposite

when someone you were really close with cuts you off
part of you is cut off
that doesn't grow back

the worst things in life don't kill us
they make us want to kill ourselves

Some alternate facts from The Ugly Times

Doomsday clock set back to a more sunny hour
The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists have officially set the doomsday clock to 10:30 in the morning from its previous setting of 11:57 (and 30 seconds) PM. No word on why this change happened though a couple of men in black suits did come to the university where the change took place with rags full of chloroform telling people to keep their mouths shut.

Area man still getting used to no longer having freedom of speech
"It just happened so incredibly fast! I don’t really know what to say in an article like this. Like, if you have no freedom of speech that means you can’t really say anything. Though I do have to admit that Vladimir Putin is a great leader and I think our country needs someone more like that."

Landlord giving out free rent in exchange for being featured in his portfolio of tenants
Jim Billiards became elated when his landlord let him forgo the $1,200 rent on his studio apartment in exchange for being a featured tenant in the landlord’s portfolio. "I feel that having you as a renter is giving my properties badly needed exposure which will help me find more paying renters". Renters at other properties were understandably jealous, particularly the graphic designers.

Budweiser to name its signature beer Fascism until further notice

Satan to take back all the kingdoms of the earth in earnest
Hell (AP) the prince of darkness announced acquisition of all the kingdoms of the earth under his name in earnest. "For a while there humanism was making my job harder but my hard work is finishing that off". They’ll be Armageddon in no time.


late comes too early - 1 12 17

truth is the sun
it's not meant to be gazed upon
it's meant to give one the ability to gaze upon everything else

there are a ton of job creators wherever you go
ready to hand out jobs like candy
the problem is they ignore you
for being the wrong class, race, gender, appearance, or age
the resume/interview system in just a formality
to give the whole job search process the ruse of meritocracy
so those on top can say those on the bottom
have ample opportunity to work their way up

the unqualified "get to know"
is one of those tropes in our speech
that attempts to make the world seem more egalitarian than it is
in reality the correct wording for this would be
they allowed me "get to know" them

we are about to experience the fact we don't live in a democracy more acutely
GOP stands for God's own punishments or Godzilla’s own party

love is conspicuous
(and the lower down you fall the more conspicuous it gets)
there's no hiding it when it's there
and there's no covering up the lack
when it isn't

the problem when you put on love
is it covers you and makes you awkward and uncool

remember people don't judge an artist by the quality of their work
they judge it by popular people's reaction to it

is God trapped inside of people
or are people trapped inside of God?
the latter is probably true
because you'll only find God if you look outside yourself

Europe was able to throw off their Christian devotion
while hanging on to a lot of their humanism
America not so much

in the parable of the sower
Jesus talks about the choking weeds being persecution
but what happens when that includes persecution from fellow believers
(i guess that’s why they say betrayal hurts so much more
as it comes from your own)
i won't survive those weeds
nor will i apologize as I'm being choked to death by them

if loving and advocacy
were made as easy as purchasing
we would do them more

conjecture is a coefficient of hope
if it's zero, then there is zero hope

i will cling to moments of the past
that seem so much more real than the present
and I won't be guilted or shamed out of doing so

one man's Shalom
is another man's cold war

where close is becoming rarer
near is getting further
and late comes too early

a brand is just a space in your brain
that a company has paid rent for

faith is like looks
it's what others end up judging them to be
that ends up mattering

being a God lover is like being a dog lover
it's just something you are or you aren't
trying to force it does little good

genius is just being lucid and insane at the same time

religion's existence proves
that the being wicked is the most logical course of action
that's why they have their deities punishing you for it

hope is a predatory lender
borrowing against the thing hoped for at exorbitant interest
for a smidgen of sustenance

my instinct said "fish"
and i was handed a scorpion
my instinct is worth as much
as the foam container it came in

"I love you" is like a check
written against a bank,
"I'm willing to commit",
that the other person gets to decide is solvent

there will never be real democracy because
while the people in power are often cool
the things that are empowering are not
(voting and collective bargaining)
these things are deliberately branded as old fashioned and trite
by those who fear them the most

trust in you is the coefficient of what you say
if it's zero
you can say anything and it will always mean nothing

you will know them by their fruit
because our faith feeds on your fruit
and when it is inedible our faith dies

a dying mind
is worse than a dying body
and i know
because of how much worse one gets treated
for having a mental illness
verses a physical one
(the fact that my body is going to outlive my mind
probably by a large margin scares the shit out of people)

when you let love die inside yourself
it destroys other people too
you have to get the deterioration of love
before it gets you

when you don't have the means to end your life
there is no incentive for it to be nice

hashtag hearts - 12 08 16

when the heartache turns from i to we
our bones disappear in a burial at sea
suffocating in our interminable silos
begging for a go-between be it man or god
to bring us hope—to bring us to each other

God's smile is an unbroken circle
because it brings people together
God's frown is a tear
because it rips people apart

if you reach out and get thrown back like a 440 volt shock
you know those romanticizing reaching out
really only mean help is available for the rich

if only the Christian stigma against injustice and racism
were as bad as the stigma against mental illness
because then the evangelicals would be disavowing Trump in droves

if your church wants to reach gen Y
speak out against injustice
before speaking to us
don't think we're young enough to enjoy silence
(we just hear tinnitus when we hear silence)
the words of the evil are deafening
which brings in the ringing
when bending an ear towards the silence of the righteous

it is your engagements with the powers and principalities
that cause them to go after you
not your doctrinal orientation
or religious affiliation

a heart is not a toy
that's why playing with a broken one
is the most fun

you know society is hyper individualistic
when collective insanity at the highest level of government is tolerated
but individual insanity is stigmatized and shamed

if you want diversity in your church
you need to reach #hashtagpeople
people who are outspoken about all the injustice happening around them
to do this you'll have to speak out and suffer the consequences
(the financial heavy-hitters of privilege and their money leaving in droves)
but if you don't believe there are repercussions for speaking out
and it costs you nothing why aren't you doing it?

(to Wheaton College, the protestant Vatican)
you can tell whether the salt of the earth has lost its saltiness
by spreading it on the slick results of a wintry mix
and seeing what happens
(are the most vulnerable falling and breaking their bones?)

God is one
but the devil has won

the drain at the bottom of my heart
it's where everything pours out
a little bit of love
a little bit of aching
a little piece of myself that will never return
love can be life
but love can be death too
depending on the strength of where it comes from
and whether it overcomes
or is overcome

love sleep tears - 11 17 16

our country isn't free
you pay to keep it free
by voting

upon a week ago Tuesday
the demand for courage
far outstrips the supply of it

the only heaven we have until we (possibly) reach heaven
is being heaven to each other
being virtuous and loving
otherwise we have only hell

hate NEVER sleeps
because hate never needs sleep
the forces of evil never sit still
so why should we?

you will never come to any truly loving faith by looking inside of yourself
only by looking outside of it

God's punishments are meted out to send a message to the prideful people at the top
but fall heaviest on those at the margins
(the arrogant need to be reminded that we are in their care)

i try to enjoy the good
because i recognize bad as the default

fight back
while you fight back the tears

when you love your enemies
you're open season
to the enemies of love

love doesn't always win
but it often dies trying

bear to the ground - 11 10 16

a lot of voters were dissatisfied with the time change last weekend
so they decided to turn the clock back 50 years

just because something does appear as courageous to the naked eye
doesn't mean it isn't
for some people getting out of bed takes as much courage
as wrestling a bear to the ground
(especially since Tuesday night)

just remember—
however unfair life is
people are going to judge you as if it were fair

the more darkness and emptiness there is
the less places the light has to shine
because it has no material to reflect off of

the reward for your good Christian life
is gained by those around you

we can be soulmates
but we will have to share your soul
because i lost mine

the way people treat you
what you end up turning into

blue is the color of heaven / red is the color of hell
watch as the flames lick and then combust / your protections and your health care
blue is the color of water / red is the color of blood
after her first period, grab her by the &#K#@%@!

i know we are no longer in America
because i could get thrown in jail for reading this

love doesn't always win
but it often dies trying

well enough - 10 27 16

you want me to wait
well wait implies hope
and hope implies trust
when the chain is broken your spiel is a bust

"may I ask you what you're doing?"
"why sure, I'm death threat fishing"
"I'm trying to piss someone off so bad that they issue me a death threat"
"then I'll capture it and get them booked for a felony"
"that sounds kind of like entrapment"

i think they need to bring the expression "shame off you"
to imply that the perennial shame on you has been rescinded for a moment

i'm one of those people in Batman movies
that ends up turning into a villain

when your opinion moves toward what the therapeutic industrial complex wants
they call it cognitive reframing
when it moves away
they call it distorted thinking

when you fuck with God, God fucks back
you’ll never be the same person again
but God will remain the same god

if you don't look like a Christian
you end up not being treated like one
and eventually you stop being one

beautiful never touches ugly
that's what makes beautiful more beautiful
and ugly more ugly

faith is the circumference of cotton candy
squeeze it and it will never fill out again

the church has a public and a private position on the efficacy of prayer
the public position: “God has plans to prosper you”
the private position: “God does what he wants and you must put up with it”
encountering an individual with a disability
is a jet engine decibel reminder of the private position
which is basically "God does whatever he wants and it's incumbent
upon you to view whatever comes from his hand as good"

in order to believe in something that's not true
you either have to play cognitive tricks
or change the definition of truth

in dating you get the amount of desirability units your desirability affords
you can use all these desirability units on a single less desirable mate
or on a part of a more desirable one

you can lean on a person's character
but not their personality
and the mentally healthier a person
the more you think they care about you

i know everyone well enough to know if
i could get to know them

you've got to keep the good memories in a jar
they dim like a firefly
but it's worth it
just to dredge up a little of the beauty

Christians claim some "grand purpose" keeps them from suicide
but they're really just like the rest of us
it's the daily things that keep our hope in life alive
like our health, our job, our pets, our relationships, and our hobbies
(that's why when people see you lacking these things
they ascertain that you are hopeless and pull away)

those who would like us to be optimistic about our futures
be sure to treat us as if you were optimistic about it
(ie. not scorning us and dropping out of our lives)

participating in the workforce is to adulthood
as participating in gym is to junior high

the currency of manhood is respect
it's true certain times of a man's life sex is more important than respect
(but the former is more often than not subservient to the latter)
try making guy friends or going on dates without respect!

if there is no love lost
between you and what's up in the sky
you are going to go down in the ground

it's as hard for a person of privilege
to put themselves in the shoes of a person without
as it is to conceive of not existing

first they offshored the manufacturing jobs
and I did not speak out
because I did not work in manufacturing
then they offshored the programming jobs
and I did not speak out
because I did not work as a programmer
then they offshored the call center jobs
and I did not speak out
because I did not work in a call center
then they offshored my job
and there was nowhere left to go
besides the military

the only drug-free way to get high
is by getting higher up than other people

our current peace is like the land of a floating ice burg
it is sustained by a cold war on all sides

people kill
because secretly they see death as their only refuge

the wise
are doing a piss poor job of answering the why's

Neoconservatism is rivers on fire
Neoconservatism is waging useless wars that result in tens of thousands of innocent people dying while tens of thousands innocent people back home die for lack of healthcare
Neoconservatism is small government when big government is needed and big government when small government is needed
Neoconservatism is overestimating the goodness of Americans and overestimating the evil of non-Americans
Neoconservatism is cutting services to the poor and pretending private charity will fill in the gap and take care of everything
Neoconservatism is blame the victim
Neoconservatism is Karl Rove in a dimly lit room orchestrating hecklers towards some unforeseen goal
Neoconservatism is being wed to big business while paying lip service to the ideal of small business
Neoconservatism is using protection of the unborn as a bargaining chip to co-opt the people in America who are the most sure they're right
Neoconservatism is the American flag by the alter
Neoconservatism is gunpowder for the white man and white phosphorus for the Palestinian woman
Neoconservatism is logic met with impasse
Neoconservatism is the closet for the gay, the ghetto for the black, and the institution for the disabled
Neoconservatism is spring water for the rich further up the river and poisoned water for the poor further down

pain, death, and happiness - 10 6 16

when you open up to people about being suicidal
you're going to get closed in on

Aid in Dying blog post.

When someone cuts them self, do they get hospitalized for the pain it causes or because the behavior itself makes society uncomfortable?

most of the time "God's plan" is just the path privilege has opened up for someone

to my employer:
i feel the same about my labor
(you confiscating my time on threat of destitution)
as you feel about your taxes
(Uncle Sam confiscating your earnings on threat of jail)

it's kind of funny how the people who say "happiness comes from within"
often say it as they're taking an actual source of your happiness away

happiness comes from eating a well prepared fish
life satisfaction comes from knowing how to catch and prepare it

anthropology is a science—psychology is a religion
the reason you know therapy is a crock of shit
is because knowledge gleaned from anthropology
(like money and status being everything)
isn't admissible evidence
(of course advertisers with psychology degrees
are sucking the spigot of anthropology knowledge dry
to make you feel like shit so you buy their shit)

we're shocked at Russia meddling in our elections
and yet we've been doing it in Latin America for 60 years

the louder people are telling you to believe something
the more likely the evidence is saying otherwise

when I was eight
what I loved being taken away (in this case my cat Frisky) made me cry and scream
things haven't changed at all

if religious people want to reap the fruits of hyper individualism
(privacy, autonomy, and comfort)
they should be prepared to bear the costs
(socially needy people leaving the faith in droves)

loving someone romantically means committing to someone
who would wish to be committed to
if you don't have the resources to be worth being committed to
loving in this way is off the table

the difference between being young and being old
when you're old pain is boring


you're on the menu - 9 23 16

if you're of privilege
you have little concern for Trump
you're reading the menu
you're not on the menu

those in power want to crush you with these things
an imperative to hope without a reason to
a belief in one's innate worth without any supporting evidence
and guilt over anything that defies the gospel of hyperindividualism

when the church stops helping people
the government starts to fill in the vacuum
which the church detests
(while not seeing how complicit they were in this whole thing)

forgiveness isn't functional in my brain
it's just disembodying the emotional fallout of the wrong from the logic of it
the same way a live firefly glows at will
but after splatting on a windshield
its guts just glow when wind blown
(a dead wrong reanimates beyond any act of will, courage or malice)

little scares God's people more than mental death
(negative symptoms)
because it's in these people
one is given a peek at what death is going to be like

life is like Tetris
some people get better pieces than others
but good placement choices help mitigate the damage from bad pieces
and as the pile grows tall
there's less margin for error
(now you need both good pieces and good choices!)

the same people who romanticize suffering and waiting
spank their children and give them time outs

desperation, standards, and self-improvement
the mating iron triangle

i'm 36 and i've become asbestos
being poisonous is the price I've paid
to keep from being burned

friends you made before becoming disabled
are not worth diving into afterword
as they become shallow rather quickly

you age out of being a kid
just like you're not allowed to be a high school student after graduating
but that doesn't mean you are welcomed into adulthood
adulthood is defined as a constellation of achievements
like having a real job and a place
don't have these and you'll enter a nether world
where you have an adult body but not an adult life

you miss 100% of the shots you don't take
but if you miss 100% of the shots you do take
you get taken out of the game pretty quickly

what they don't tell you about holding on to hope
is where to grip is trust
so when trust is gone you slide right off

when someone tells me to take God's voice seriously
I refer to Mark Cuban's rule:
"never take advice from someone who doesn't have to live with the consequences"


ruse and balancing - 9 16 16

a lover’s heart is like a camp site
if you leave it better than you found it
you are truly an amazing person

like your adult teeth
friendships grown in youth cannot be replaced

shame makes you invisible when you want to be visible
and visible when you want to be invisible

i have been denied adulthood
by being denied a real job and a place
it's little wonder that actual adults
treat me like I'm invisible

some people shouldn't be in romantic relationships
just like some people shouldn't be on the road
the results are the same for either

God is the sun and the devil is the moon
(the devil gives no light, he only takes it)
and the devil appears larger
because he's so much closer to us

guilt and shame are like signals on the same radio frequency
the shame from being wrong for this world
drowns out the guilt of doing wrong in it
(and without the assuaging of inherited guilt the gospel message loses a lot of its power)
you're going to have to go back to the drawing board with your evangelism tactics
because the gospel only redeems the shame that is the expression of latent guilt

judging someone
for not living up to something
is vicarious ungratefulness

the lattice of reality gets tighter ><
the higher you go in society
(little wonder high status people reject me)

you're entering a prayer doesn't work zone
when you get involved with a person with a disability
getting to see God's inaction in action
any wonder the church scorns us?

Christians get into a conundrum
when faced with senseless suffering and God's omnipotence
they either have to call God bad
or call pain good
so they choose the latter

the things worth knowing
are the light of the sparks that fly
at the point where the truth has meets the lies

some wrongs are like the smell of cat pee
you can mask the scent with forgiveness
but that smell will never go all the way away

success is just being better at your brain
than your brain is at you

when those at the top
damn pity for those at the bottom
it often spills over to damming love

lies are like pain meds
people build up a tolerance to them
so to keep the ruse going
you have to keep making the lies bigger and bigger

you know the therapeutic industrial complex
is going to keep the oppressor cooker going
when speaking truth to power
gets dismissed as venting

the fact that we have statistical proof
that money correlates with happiness
makes the poor feel even more miserable

forgiveness is a high-five
but the hand of the one giving in to capitulation
is always below the one they're giving in to

you seem to think wronging me is like losing a life in a casual smartphone game
where you get unlimited second chances
just because you’ve been raised on those made for TV moments of reconciliation
doesn't mean they happen very often in real life
I don't get back the part of myself lost to the wrong
why should you get my forgiveness?

each disability of mine
halves the amount of money
i can ask for my work

i have to be extra careful not to fall into an addiction
because if I did there would be nothing in my life
that would be reason enough for me to stop

the problem with opening a mind
is that this act is irreversible
that mind can never be closed again
no matter how desperately one pleads for it to be

I am A shamed person
but not an ashamed person
i'm not your lobster in the pot
i'll squeal while i'm being boiled

I am an unperson
I am a constellation of thoughts, drives, and emotions
with no center
I don't hold grudges, grudges hold me
I don't think, my thoughts think themselves

our generation trust God the same way we trust a person
which is to say unilateral submission isn't on the table
(when you trust someone you need to get something out of it
or it quits becoming trust)

some people get enough of the devil's love
to balance out God's hatred of them
unfortunately, both God and the devil hate me

people say it's better to try and fail
than to not try at all
but just like there is a certain batting average
one needs to have to make the baseball team
there's a certain percentage of success
at things you tried you need to attain
for your attempts to make you feel better
than if you just hadn't tried at all

people talk with their mouths
but speak with their feet, as they walk away


blurts from a bygone Xanga - 8 25 16

Time pushes you foreword. The past blows and the future sucks

The problem with pessimists is that they're right too much

I used to make a lot of money but then they hauled me off to jail for counterfeiting.

Who would have thought electability was the most important prerequisite for being elected.

GW... the second Bush God has spoken through

The same people who told you pride came before fall also told you that bees died 10 minutes after stinging your precious flesh.

All one-to-many communications are bullshit. This line is also bullshit.

I'm one lazy ass. On Friday I'm a Muslim, on Saturday I'm a Jew, and on Sunday I'm a Christian.

Religion in a nutshell: it's puppy chow, not muddy buddies.. go to hell.

Love ages like milk but bitterness ages like wine.

A well-written piece of fiction is more real than a boring, hopeless string of facts.

Consumerism in a sentence: buy buy, or watch your relationships go bye bye.

lies get picked up by the answering machine but the truth keeps on ringing

Learning is more like scrambling an egg than laying one.

the more you suffer, the more you suffer more

In America, you are loved for what you have been given, not for what you have given.

Man bites the hand that feeds him "cause it's not pretty enough"

The soap does kill 99.9% of all bacteria, but it makes the remaining 0.1% super strong!

The Proverbs 31 woman is virtuous, the Proverbs 31 man is rich

The Antichrist is like Santa Clause--in one sense everybody can be him--in another sense nobody can

good people will treat you with disdain when your life story doesn't "compile"

tobacco is the carcinogen of the masses

if you want to be #1 you've got to get your #2 together

when i go to work the clock actually starts running backwards--but don't tell father time that

When you breed a flat-out lie with a despair-inducing truth you come up with monsters.

dreams are only carried through by trace amounts of corroborating reality

you can never tame me, you can only subdue me

Sometimes genius is just being smart and dumb at the same time--in the right order.

nutritious/delicious is a zero sum game

A crisis brings people together but a tragedy pulls people apart.

Oppressors trumpet the idea that prayer works so people believe their ascension came by spiritual means instead of oppressive ones.

the paradox of God is the worse he is to people the better they think he is

Those who struggle with serious mental illness know it's a lot cheaper to open God's mouth than it is to shut it

We started liking you when you stopped believing in your crazy stuff but then stopped liking you again when you stopped believing in ours.

There are more people in the high occupancy vehicle lane on the broad road that leads to destruction


your mole hill, their mountain - 8 18 16

(thinking about how the only way I'll get a job
is if people of privilege hand it to me)
every thought in your head that involves a power struggle
will turn your frown further down

not that this would make a normal person cry
but growing up with a disability
there was always a two tiered system for prayer
ones about your disability that would never work
and the rest of them that might
(and you were forced to compartmentalize
to continue to believe in prayer's efficacy)

is it a matter of personal growth, or personal decay
that I no longer see shame the same way
I used to think it was just all around us like the air we breathe
the cultural bouncer that kept the bar from falling too low
now I see it as a weapon wielded by someone (usually of power and privilege)
- single shaming, poor shaming, slut shaming, virgin shaming
- unemployment shaming, fat shaming, victim shaming, disability shaming
you-name-it we-shame-it
shame used to be a prophylactic, now it's just poison

a godless person says something to a Christian
don't have a good argument?
fire back with a personal attack!

you can numb your negative thoughts
but in the long run
a lot of those thoughts were keeping you from even greater pain
pick your poison

I think dating would be a whole lot easier
if everyone looked their virtue

those high in society seem to get what they want from the rest of us
i guess you can only put yourself first when God puts you first :)

hope in God comes from a 100% intact faith in God
if you don't believe the bank is solvent your money's not there at all

people who aren't needy have their needs met
(because they are successfully interdependent not because they're atomized)
so when the therapeutic industrial complex demonizes neediness
they're just shaming people who can't get their needs met

I understand to "beat" depression you need to play cognitive tricks
to think more positive thoughts
I don't know how to play them so giving me more specific tricks to play isn't helpful
(if this were basketball I'd be someone who couldn't dribble!)

social fabric creates discipline
but when you are a cast off
you lose that very fabric that kept you going

you love or hate a person
based on the content of what you experience from them
just like you love or hate learning
based on the content of what they make you learn
(and we all know that a love of learning is way more important
than the content of the learning all those standardized
tests people are trying to shove down your throats)

a science education gives you tools to cure diseases
a humanities education gives you the motivation as to why you'd want to

denying someone closure
is like powering down your PC or Mac
without navigating to and clicking the shut down option
it may not do much damage
but it could also do incredible amounts
(you never know which of your mole hills will be somebody else’s mountain)


you'll know - 8 4 16

i asked Jesus into my brain
he didn't come
so he bled out my heart

i don't need you to tell me more lies
i need you to give me the capacity
to believe the ones you've already told me

truthers are worse than liars
because they hold on to stuff from pieces of paper
that they've injected into their mind
at the expense of what holds true

you think conjecture was riding hope
but after the bottom falls out
you'll find hope was riding conjecture all along

saying you have to have faith
inorder to experience the hope God provides
is like saying you have to buy your next job

disability is Frodo's magic ring
that only makes you invisible to good people

Jesus cannot protect me from abuse
and Jesus cannot protect me from abusing

your brain is not a muscle
things that strain your mental health generally don't make you stronger
they just weaken you the way a concussion does
so that the next hit doesn't have to be so hard to do the same amount of damage

when you stand up for yourself
and find yourself knee deep in verbal abuse
you know you're in the ABSOLUTE WRONG PLACE
(the message we need to send to these people "you abuse, you lose")

plausible deniability is like Santa Clause for those of privilege
anything they leave ambiguous will be interpreted in their favor
(they just have to remain mum and reap the benefit of the doubt)

pride and shame are just like land and water
one recedes to reveal the other

if people experienced God at the level pastors purport
the DEA would be shutting down churches left and right

forgiveness often makes things worse
because now you have the hurt of the wrong
plus the hurt of giving in

some who suffer find God
while some do not
what they do do is
FIND OUT if they find God
(taking that backpack that claims to have a parachute on a camping trip never counted as anything)

what you find out
is that faith, hope, and love are tent poles
they tend to fall down all to once

if you ask too few questions
you go to hell
but if you ask too many
you go to hell as well

I'm not sorry, and I'm not even trying to fish God for forgiveness anymore
I'm just fishing for the way one would feel who had been forgiven

if you scratch God's back, he'll scratch yours
but if you dig your nails into his flesh
well.. you're fucked


invisible automatic advocate - 7 28 16

science made anti depressants
so that when you kicked a metaphorical hornet's nest
your brain wouldn't feel those stings so hard

the amount of scorn received for being dependent on society
is inversely proportional to your place in it
that's why Trump can go bankrupt 4 times and have the people he owes eat billions
(and get handed the nomination)
while you taking food stamps brings nothing but scorn

privilege is an invisible, automatic advocate
that masquerades as smooth flowing hyper individualism
(take an example of someone far from privilege walking into a store
their privilege is an advocate that stands by them
and sticks up for them when they are harassed
(kind of like the way the daemon works in His Dark Materials in their world verses ours))

I'd rather have a hand up than a hand out
but hand ups are generally only given to those blessed by access to people of privilege
(their Dutch buddies getting them a good job)
where hand outs are given to people without it

being oppressed necessitates HAVING NO VOICE
because calling people out on the oppression
must fall on deaf ears in order for it to continue

barrenness stems from lack of flower
anger stems from lack of power

marriage is like a cable contract
except there's less smut

the thing about virtue
is that those with less power learn the habits of it
from those in power over them
(those habits get passed down whether they be good or bad)

if people really got hiccups
when someone was thinking about them
hot people would never stop hiccupping

after experiencing enough negative symptoms
you start scraping the bottom of the barrel of your brain
more and more often

the fruit of the spirit is costly
just like the fruit at the supermarket
that's why you see so few people exhibiting it

some are camels
some are sponges
some can survive the desert that is hyper individualism
others not so much

being mentally healthy is not the lack of hallucination
it's the ability to hallucinate correctly

justice is like lobster
it doesn’t usually get served to the poor

people are more like computers than you think
newer ones are considered better
we tend to crash at just the wrong time
and we basically think what we're programmed to

my advice for life
try to win by a large margin
because otherwise the refs could make it go either way

the evidence says otherwise (20) - 7 7 16

pathological beliefs latch on to pathological
mental states—they feed off each other

you attach to pathological beliefs more easily
when in pathological states (mentally ill)
(probably why on Sunday School morning blindfolding us and taking us in a van to a dark basement with a glowing space heater
[to tell us what hell will be like] cut deeper for me than most)

i forgive, but not with Christian forgiveness
(those made-for-TV reconciliation moments)
i make peace with the part of myself
that died (and is gone forever) on account of the wrong
and try not to hold it against the person
while keeping due diligence
to get the hell out
upon the first sign of the wrong happening again
(honestly I don't see any difference between Christian forgiveness and enabling)

just like you can't talk a couch up the stairs
you cannot remove something from someone's head with words
which was placed there by actions

godlessness is like Ranch Doritos
you were going to have just one
and now half the bag is gone

the mentally ill are like pastor plutonium
pastors send little remote controlled robots to pursue our melt downs

go against the grain
and you won't get much bread

disability is a prism that makes people’s true colors shine

you have a choice in what to do with your life
drink it up and smile more
or pour it out as a blessing to others and smile less

with normality it's, shut the door, keep out the devil
with mental illness it's, shut the door, keep in the devil

some people are murdered by labels
but they still call it suicide

“mortar weakening bricks growing stronger” – Luke Brindley
growing older we don't make friends
we choose between being acquaintances
and intimate strangers

when the truth is easy it squirts words
when the truth is hard it impregnates action

bullshit is the religion people in power practice
while those on the bottom are unable to
(when you're close to the edge you have to make every communication count
there’s just so much less wiggle room for being opaque)

the people conservatives save their worst for
are those who played by all the rules
did everything the system told them to
and still failed

the people who could hook you up with a job
are the ones most scornful of you for not having one

those who have God
lord it over those who don't

the people that show up at one's suicide funeral
could have been a lot more useful
had they shown up before then

the social system will bend over backwards
to get us to believe that it is just
because if we believe the system is just
we’ll feel a lot worse going up against it

power relations are like gravitational waves
if you can observe them you can map out everything else
that's why if prayer were powerful (like voting and collective bargaining)
those in power would be doing everything in their power
to keep the powerless from doing it

I was fine with neediness and dependence being seen as de facto bad things
when there was enough economic opportunity to sustain a hyper individualistic lifestyle
but now there isn't and this demonization of dependence just poisons us
(but change happens so dizzyingly fast that cultural mores like the normalization of hyper individualism tend to lag behind economic reality)

when one is being opaque, they're almost always on the take

Christians' imperative to forgive suffers from the tragedy of the commons
there is no incentive to give, and every incentive to take

emotional wounds are like broken bones
it's a matter of how they set
that determines the way they heal
and how they will affect you as time wears on

shame, as I experience it
is the Maker's Mark whiskey slogan
“it is, what it isn't”

Christianity is a non-Newtonian fluid
liquid when going with the flow
solid when bumped up against

people need to move past a threshold of hope
before they rise up and start fighting for their rights
(which lays bare the fact that those in power
are shoving this ethereal idea of hope down our throats not to the real thing)
[strange creature, the idea of hope and actual hope
are almost opposite things {the same way the idea of water and actual water are}, the idea of hope is just used to string people along while you screw them over])

the further you are away from privilege
the less social reward you gain from doing the right thing
and the more you get pulled down
by peers in a derelict subculture fermented by oppression

you're on the hook for your OCD
when you can't let go of shit
people will blame you for not being able to play the necessary cognitive tricks
to rid yourself of it

confronting your abuser about abuse gets you more abuse
and confronting oppressors about prejudice gets you more prejudice

finding a mate and finding a job are similar
unless you're a perfect ten, finding either online is a waste of your time

a lie, to gen y
is just saying something
when the evidence says otherwise

hope is carbonation
because without it
the sweet just goes down like medicine

hopelessness is like tinnitus
if you can't effectively mask it, it will destroy you


memorized their number - 6 2 16

people who were coddled
and people who were spanked and thrown around
will just talk past each other most of the time

at age 21 your life is a snowball on top of a mountain
will it roll down the virtuous or vicious cycle side?

with the haves and have-nots, only the haves romanticize aging
because those with money and stable relationships age like wine
while the rest of us age like milk

when your life breaks off from your existence
it becomes a way of being dead

when faced with truth
a dissembling reflex comes out of one's mouth
(money doesn't matter very much)

(having hope where none is warranted)
cooking the cognitive books
and hoping the rest of your brain doesn't audit them

bullshit is like bacteria
you say you hate it
but need enough inside of you
to digest everything else

an atheist
is better than a cultural Christian
as a dead cell
is better than a cancer cell

if you've memorized someone's number
and they're no longer in your life
it is often hard on the heart

our men and women in uniform
who lay down their blood, body, and mind
are the bread winners of our peace and security
pacifists like to scorn them
ungrateful for these fruits borne them
like sitting at a free lobster dinner and griping at the waiters

microhappiness is a goldfish memory—the moment to moment good feeling
macrohappiness is life satisfaction—the kind of happiness for you
that comes from society being happy with you

whether you get a wound to the finger
or a wound to the heart
the solution is always alcohol

if you work, it's your employer's job to make you feel miserable
if you don't, it's society's

money is the most redemptive thing
just think of all it can be redeemed for!
people look for redemption in painful things
but rarely do those things bring happiness, friends, or function

cognitive tricks are like magic tricks
when you are aware of how they're done
they lose their power and cease to help your mental health

depression is just when the truth is bigger than you are
it's a toxic spill leaks out of you

scarcity is real in the deepest of realms
love is given or taken—not made

threatening torture is a good way to empty a till
but not a good way to fill a mind


sticking to the sides - 5 19 16

an epistemology of mental illness is a bane to religion
the joy of communing with God--indistinguishable from bipolar mania
the clarity of God's voice--which seems to only happen when psychotic
the wretchedness of depression--that masquerades as inherited guilt
(which the whole Christian system is built upon)
the treadmill of OCD--borne from earnestly seeking God and finding nothing...
and repeating the whole cycle HARDER (because that's how OCD rolls)

when you're mentally ill
the hound of heaven
gives a Pitt Bull's bite

when you're mentally ill
the playhead's bit is flipped
sadness is read as anger
and scorn is read as hatred

experiences of God
are like guns
powerful both in your service
and when turned on you

you can't kill God
you can only kill yourself
and hope God doesn't notice

antipsychotics are allergy medication
for those of us who are allergic to God

"hold on and don't let God"
to try your hardest not to have
another unforgiven psychotic break

when a cell splits, it's new life
when a person splits, it's new death

(people trying to get me to serve in contexts where I’ll be excluded)
people are banks, not credit cards
you only get out of them
what you put into them

Christianity is a personal relationship with God
until God tells you something that doesn't align with church teaching
after that it's a religion

being godless is like smoking
when you've done it long enough you still entertain the notion that you could quit
but deep down you know that this notion is bullshit

sanity is like an hydroelectric dam
you have to keep bullshit coming in
to generate survival

blind hope is sighted crazy

being married is like crewing a submarine
that's why mentally ill people should be discouraged
from signing up

suffering accrues
like plaque in the arteries
so each new bad
gets met with less good

my ego was forcibly ripped from my self
and not in a way that the rest of me
will ever heal

where does my help come from?
if I knew I'd be there right now

when you lose your mind once
you never get it back all the way again


when Burger King says "have it your way"
you get a flame broiled Whopper
when God says "have it your way"
he flame broils you

if people won't let you talk about it
if people don't talk to you because of it
if the church has stopped praying for it
it's a disability

God's people are aspartame
sweet to the giant
and deadly to the ant

when others see you putting yourself first
they'll love you less but respect you more
(and honestly, which would you rather have?)

modern life is just a bitter pill you have to swallow
the omnipresent presence for bosses
the pornography factory farm stall
the abortion winnowing fork row
the rat race—using a mouse

Christians are technically more loving
than non-Christians
but they keep the love among themselves

pride is the ego breathing out
insecurity is the ego breathing in

(vocational success)
they say it's all about who you know
but it's really about who you can get to know

the BIGGEST problem with truth is that it's the same
whether you are allowed to believe in it or not

I have no doubt Christianity brought justice
to "just us" (white, heterosexual males)
and the group cohesion it engendered
strengthened the privileged
in their quest to oppress

after the common grace is gone
you’re just on the axis of empowerment and disempowerment

in programming
if something works
and you don't know why it works
it's worse than not working
(this often applies to life as well)

when you tell someone they have innate worth
the first question they should ask
is in which contexts can I cash said worth out?

"you were on the verge of"
is the way they jerk the hope chain
telling you what you had hoped for
was just within reach
if only you would have behaved just one more day

suffering in my life—
good things would have come out of it
if the good people would have stayed in it

I know (suffering) it's framed as God testing me
but in reality I tested myself—and FAILED

eternity will be as kind to me
as the rest of my living
the parts of me God loved
were destroyed by my mental illness


seventeen year old me - 4 21 16

If there was a drug
That you could inject into your bloodstream
That would spread into the brain
And make you forget what you wanted
Lost love, sad memories, or pain
And never remember it again
Like Laxative for your mind
It might be called FORGETOL
And it wouldn't be approved by the FDA
But you could get if off the street anyway

Zip up your smile
And pretend to be happy for awhile
It's time to show your head
Around people who could care less if you're alive
Or dead

There were people who would give me a glance
But none who would give me a chance
To advance
From the cheap seats of humanity

We all have the same amount of evil in us
It's just that some of us are better at suppressing it
And some of us are more skilled at expressing it
And some of us just lock it away within us
Until it forces itself out, revealing who we really are

For one second, I thought I knew the purpose of life
I wasn't even thinking
But then I started thinking again
Oh well...

How come no one hears me screaming
Or notices it when I'm dreaming
They all think I'm nice
But then again, that's because I don't say anything

A "nice" room is clean and neat
Nothing on the floor
And you would swear it was perfect
Until you opened the closet door

The ignorant are happy
The wise are morose
When the ignorant finally discover life's truth
They end up being morose too
That's what makes the wise happy

I bet you 5 bucks / that this poem sucks

What would you name your rock group if you were robbers
Would you call it the blues burgalers, KROOK, or Counting Crowbars?
I don't really know, but you better not say your music was inspired by The Police.

When you're six
You think the world is a beach full of pearls
When you are 16
You think the world is a beach full of oysters
And maybe one of them will produce a pearl
When you are 46
You find out the world is a beach full of Zebra Mussels

It's true after you eat supper
You usually get dessert
And after you suffer
You usually get deserted

People say too much of anything is bad for you, I say too much of nothing is worse


the deck is stacked - 4 14 16

the more nebulous an entity
the further apart the thing itself is
from the experience of said thing
(so this experience needs to be mediated by a third party)
that's why you don't have to be told what your dog is
but you do have to be told what God is

how are you supposed to make wise decisions while bipolar?
mood lifting after a decision will count as "divine confirmation"
mood spiraling will count as divine anger

saying things to us that make us hate ourselves
and then laying into us for being insecure
is like charging for a movie download
and then turning around and charging for the download data

love used to shake the mixture of the world
but not anymore--the darkness has precipitated down
you only notice said darkness
when you're on the bottom

my self is the candy bar
my soul is the wrapper
valuing the latter is laughable
because the self is you
while the soul is just whether or not
you follow an instruction set
handed down from "above"

God can say anything he wants
because he's not expected to say it in front of people!

i have a keen memory of truth being spoken
because it comes out of people's mouths
so seldom

when not among congregants who are oppressed in similar ways you are
the church is worse than the world is to you

if you're only in the Christian life for comfort and happiness
you're going to disappear from the lives of those who are depressed
because taking up your cross makes you cross

a psychotic break and an LSD trip
can both bring you closer to God
but just the former weighs you down with scorn
and makes you realize it wasn't worth it

when most of what you are
is what you're not allowed to believe in
you anti-exist

hope from God
only comes when one has a complete faith in God
just like a fountain needs to fill up its top bowl
before any of it will cascade down to the others

medication keeps you from psychosis
and psychosis keeps you from medication

hide your mental illness
and mute yourself
or let it show through
and out yourself
the deck is stacked
fold or bust!

social space is not a vacuum
shame fills the spaces where conversation with you could have gone

hope is like a virtual pet
that dies without being fed love

crooked growing plants - 4 8 16

I don't choose what to believe
the evidence
chooses for me

those high in society
know the people below them are a gold mine
that's why they can't stop taking digs at them

(a visible disability makes for an invisible person)
when i go to church, i'm invisible
but not good invisible
like God or Kurt Cobain is

the biggest thing you can do to increase your Christian witness
is pay your employees fairly

emotional wounds don't follow the open/heal progression physical ones do
those who hurt have tools at their disposal
to make the tender hearted squirm in pain
they can stick the venom in just the right place (an irradiated wound!)v so one is confused and far away before it is discovered

You don't have to know the way the world works
to work the world
(it often helps if you don't because it’s sobering to know you were just getting by on your looks)

knowledge is power—knowledge of the right people

scorn is like a virus
in people's attitudes towards me
it's not active or alive
it just reanimates when brushed up against

suffering may build character in one's life
but it definitely removes characters from one's life

words only have power when buttressed with actions or threats of action
or dredging of painful memories of past actions

people generally fall in to two camps
those who never needed forgiveness
and those who never got it

one thing about suffering :(
i wasn't there
to simulate God being there
"o me o me why have I forsaken me!"

eternity will be as kind to me
as the rest of my living

the parts of me God loved
were destroyed by my mental illness

bad information does not have a uniform adverse effect on those to whom it is given
it has a disproportionally ill effect on those who are most vulnerable
lives were cost trusting fake bomb detectors in Iraq (but not Indiana)
(so climate change deniers can enjoy their November swims
while droughts ravage India, East Africa, and The Middle East)

when you are a ZERO
everything you say
gets multiplied by you
so no one really hears it

when your life
breaks off from your existence
it becomes a way of being dead

hope is something you're born into (if you're lucky)
and eventually grow out of

Trump is not very nice
but he says a lot of what we would say
if we didn't think twice

when I interact with you
you know any snubbing you do
will percolate in my mind for days
and add to the depression
you have me
because I don't have me

people vote with their carbon dioxide
when you're in a room with people
and someone you know
that person's saying everything to you
by not saying anything to you

us crooked growing plants
we had to bend to get some sunlight
and when the sun was gone
we had to manufacture our own

do you realize how many trees had to die
to make absolution real
well.. real on paper anyway

God loves everyone on paper
whose paper?

I'm not sorry, and I'm not even trying to fish God for forgiveness anymore
I'm just fishing for the way one would feel who had been forgiven

the truth is usually extemporaneous
it peeks through at times when people aren't watching their mouth

learning is more like scrambling an egg than it is like laying one

no, society is not broken
it's working perfectly
it only seems broken to those of us far from privilege

yes I did break that promise
I offer you two half-promises

Dear God,
I know my preconceptions of who you
are more important than who you really are
I know there are only two ways to get into heaven
Being totally righteous or totally right
I am neither

if the future is as bright as you say
why doesn't any of its brightness
shine into the present

some people think depression is something
you can think your way out of
others think it is something
you can drink your way out of
the second group is more right than the first

my mistakes are like batons in a relay race
they are passed back in fourth
by the people running through my head

resisting an addiction
is a chain only as strong
as its weakest link

you can live in such a way
as to vindicate your best friends
or your worst enemies


thursday night bread and water - 3 24 16

I see you leaning against his breast
we were left behind
while you went on top of that mountain
and what he told you
well i believed it

yeah you caught me dipping into the till
but last Wednesday I didn't care about the money
I'm just sick of being betrayed
we all had a part in this
but now I know I'll never get what was promised

i thought we were going to come with our swords drawn
slit some Roman fuckers' throats
and feed their bodies to the pigs
to be on top in the only life that matters

so yeah it was me
(i dip my hand in the bowl of water)

the thief comes only to kill and destroy
do not fear those who kill the body and after that have nothing more they can do
who touched me, i felt the power go out of me
be clean
even the hairs on your head are numbered
she has done what she could. She poured perfume on my body to prepare for my burial

are you going to leave me too
how i wanted to gather you in my wing like a chicken gathers her chicks
my children, i will be with you only a little longer
where i go you cannot come
she has done what she could. She poured perfume on my body to prepare for my burial

i lay down my life for my sheep
wash my feet with your tears
Why do you seek the living among the dead?
i saw the devil fall from the sky like lightening

how i wanted to gather you in my wing like a chicken gathers her chicks

by the time it gets to me - 3 22 16

I am piss
whatever I was before passing through this body of suffering
I do not know

those high in society
know the people below them are a gold mine
that's why they can't stop taking digs at them

the people who could hook you up with a job
are the ones most scornful of you for not having one

I am guided as well
by a cloud of depression by day
and a pillar of anxiety by night

my disability doesn't define me
its fallout does

you can ascertain God's opinion of you
by how much your prayers cost to insure

i have animal memory
i remember every gesture
and show of force

I power over my mental illness with godlessness
scientific evidence is like gas
and critical thinking is like oil

i'm only close to God when I'm far from my medication

when we believe in God
we expect something out of him
this shows that we do trust him
not that we don't

good things in this life and the next
are rewards given to people
for seeing what they're told to see

love is like Godzilla
beautiful and majestic
but when everything's over
all you're left with is the wreckage

if somebody in power tells you something is powerful, it's not!

if you're worth someone's time
interaction with you will either be part of their busy
or part of their relaxation

the only allowed absurd is alpha honoring absurd
like employers milking employees for all they're worth

evil was like "I need to find a vessel in which to store myself"
so evil created mankind

marriage is loving someone for what they are
and together creating something
to love for who they are

social grace is a device
used to cover up
the absence of actual grace

success is 1% inspiration, 9% perspiration
and 90% others' response to your 100%
(which only looks like 10% to them)

I know the bad stuff in Christianity isn't true
because the good stuff hasn't been

hope's morbidity is more sour than its death

notice when it's gone - 3 10 16

hope is that space in the middle
between conjecture and wishful thinking
and when times get lean
that space becomes the fat burning
forcing you to choose between

when was the last time you got a paper back
with “you are enough” written in big red letters?
or did you ever check your bank statement
and “you are enough” was the total
the thing about self worth is deep down inside we all believe we have innate worth—reminding us of this more is often unnecessary
the problem, is fresh with this knowledge of our worth, we go out into the world and are immobilized by the blowback from a society that believes everything BUT “you are enough”.

social grace is a device used to cover up
the absence of actual grace

when you have multiple disabilities
you just have to be twice as good for half as much
because being good is the only bulwark
against the world being cruel

God cares about you on his own terms
his concern isn't subject to empirical evidence
(like what actually happens)
only scripture and church teaching
(what they say should happen)

the 90%—gestures, cadence, intonation

the guy telling the other guy to have faith—yeah—he's in control

science is for the why
humanities is for the why bother

love is more like
changing adult diapers
than changing child ones

all i expect from Satan is himself
all i expect from God is himself
i'm getting from the former but not the latter

in baseball a tie goes to the runner
in life a passive aggressive action's interpretation
is the one favoring the person with the most privilege

when you go out into the world
from the mental hospital
you have to believe in some of the delusions that kept you in it
(like the idea you have value)

hope is like the electricity on a first world country
you don't notice it when it's there
but it's all you notice when it's gone

(in this game you cannot play your cards without showing them)
you cannot reject someone
without divulging to them
your opinion of the nature of hope
(because your action betrays you believe they don’t have any hope—any of the kind of hope you value [vocational success, privilege, etc…])

in the game of loss of hope
psychiatrists are like safeties
trying to reach the running back
after he got past everyone else

recalculating - 2 25 16

God draws the ears
God draws the nose
God draws the eyes
God draws the mouth
God draws the people that reward us
God draws the people that punish us

the financially comfortable of privilege experience Shalom
and they are so curious as to why none of the rest of us do

when you are praying for a job
you are asking for a divine blessing
to outbid the other party for it

when you're male and older
you are a walking dictionary entry
with what's on your W2 next to your name
(but don't let it define you!)

lies are just the bricks that pile up
when you're having a bad run at Tetris
getting to the truth is getting the right pieces
to work the pile back down

Satan's pal's evil power pales
in comparison to evil men's

keeping depression in
is like falling on your sword
you do it to keep yourself from
running the sword through someone else

there is more shame in leaving mental illness untreated
than there is in getting it treated

saying "human reason is bent"
so we can't use it to argue the faith
is like writing "math is wrong"
as an answer to a calculus problem

mental breakdown is the behavior of the greatest of magnification
(things go from classical to quantum physics in a hurry)
the things of God, volition, and vice
just break down and start acting differently and bizarrely
there is no a theory to unify
just a fact to hide, so the wise of us made stupid by it can save some face
(that's why mental illness was always seen as direct action by Satan or his charges)

a GPS loaded with the map of God's Plan
go to a Christian college: continue for 3 miles
turn right: graduate college
in 20 feet turn left: internship
continue for 5 miles: steady girlfriend
got her pregnant: recalculating
turn left: shotgun wedding
turn left: become a father
lost your job: recalculating
move in with her parents: recalculating
turn right: finally find another job
brother dies of cancer: recalculating
continue 2 miles: get your name on a patent
marriage ends in messy divorce: recalculating
(battery on GPS dies)

the world is like a paper shredder
it tears you up
and puts your words out of existence

I am a clam
and when I come out of my shell
you'll realize I'm slime

as long as righteousness is isolating
and sin is communal
sin will win

i think in pathways
and details are more often than not
completely left out

you can't strike a balance
between believing one has innate worth
and believing one doesn't
it's like the difference between
telling someone there's a car coming
and telling them there isn't

some things are distrue
they are memes that will never spread
(while other things can never be known because
you'll die the instant you learn them)

if God were on Yelp
he'd get mostly five star
and one star reviews

love is like Godzilla
beautiful and majestic
but when everything's over
all you're left with is the wreckage

light can illuminate in darkness
but not in darkness and emptiness

your life getting messy is like prices in a failing currency
the empirical claims answering to scripture
are the government prices
the empirical claims answering to the evidence
are the black market prices

"hold on and don't let God"
Try your hardest not to have
another unforgivable psychotic break

you called my mysticism borne from a psychotic break hocus pocus
I eventually agreed with you
and progressed along that route
to where I called your mysticism born from religion hocus pocus too!
(my hocus pocus felt like divine revelation, yours just feels like hear-say)

I can hallucinate against my will
(I often believe I'm in a hallucination)
but I can't hallucinate on cue :(
(to the chagrin of people shoving religion down my throat
just can't see what I'm told to see!)

(on leaving the faith)
to encourage you to listen they say, "you have one mouth but two ears"
but the truth is, guard your ears
because your salvation bleeds out of them

(bipolar disorder)
mania is having too many delusions
depression is having too few

when I suffer
the worst is often felt after the incident
like a river
that crests hours after the storm

love in redshift - 2 11 16

the moment after you walk down the aisle
your lover's process begins
radioactive decay
of their personality
into their character

just as entropy betrays time having a direction
arrogance betrays the difference between good and evil
as it's so often borne out of virtue

guilt and shame are tow trucks
either tows either

calling confiding "sharing" is Orwellian
because once something comes out of you
you can never get it back

whether you speak
speaks louder
than what you speak

it's not a surprise
the people with the bluest blood are the coldest

the things that got me bullied as a kid
make me invisible as an adult

when your faith gets cooked
you're in a pickle
between expectation and disbelief

love is like a timeline
of shining Christmas lights
falling out of it is breaking the bulb
that makes the whole line of them go out

love is unobtanium
that's why people guard it with their life
and go psycho when they lose it

love is an irrational number
as it goes on forever
it’s never the same thing

love is like aloha
it means two opposite things
at once

love is a pheromone
carried on the stench
of sacrifice

love is known by the trail it leaves in its wake
not by the sight of its prow

there is more love on earth
than there is in heaven
because love is borne out of pain

the Inuit have fifty words for snow
and we have one for love
(maybe the reason our culture has so few words for love
is because we do so little of it)

the heart gets what it wants
even if it kills the rest of the person in the process

God is dead
he was killed accidently
when we killed love

words get out of the way when things start happening - 2 4 16

those who wrong win either way
the aggrieved party either festers in bitterness
or forgives
(the wrongee always shoulders the burden)

forgiveness doesn't make the baggage go away
it just makes it go beyond those flaps
ready to re-emerge at some unexpected time

my past is just one big pissing wall
i go there to savor the stench of stale piss
and add some fresh piss

when you are mentally ill enough
you can't manufacture happiness
you have to take it from other people

people say and believe in words
but behave as if numbers
(words maim/numbers kill)

the only thing men answer to
is pain

the more one becomes a perfect a test case for grace
the less likely any ending involving it

religion is like a fake 4 wheel drive button on an SUV
that goads you into driving more recklessly
(you assume God will keep your morality from going off into a ditch)
God doesn't make you a better person
YOU make you a better person

the paradox of marriage
those for whom being single is more enjoyable than being married
are the ones everyone is trying to marry

you are similar to God in a way
you only have a future
when people believe in you

experiences of God are like guns
powerful both in your service, and when turned on you

anything I cannot measure is my sworn enemy

depression is a picnic
(if the picnic involved being impaled on a stake while eating excrement)

(when you are in the exhaust end of society)
nobody pays you any mind
unless you're a use, a threat, or an obligation

the sad thing about building thick skin
is it often turns you into a snake

when people say you aren't allowed to be hopeless
it's the same as when they say
you aren't allowed to withdraw money from your bank

ha ha ha ha ha
i am a word piñata
you hit hit hit hit
and nothing comes out
until everything does

what's that gurgling sound?
that's a prayer being strangled by God's will

God loves you very much
the pill that makes you actually feel this way is illegal

rumination is a tax on doing stuff people defy you for

two things that don't exist
the way you think they exist
and closure

doing some evil is rarely original
while doing some good has a higher likelihood of being so

emotional function
is a lot like a planet's atmosphere
it can hold in life
keep it breathing
and protect it from deadly rays

when people are forced to choose between
accessible dirty water
and inaccessible clean water
they will choose the dirty water every time
just like they'll choose the accessible bad people
over the inaccessible good ones

a person's life is a bunch of computer code
society is the compiler

we're not supposed to take things personally
when others are giving them personally

strong, depressive, or virtuous
pick any two

why waste your time teaching me how to think
if you're just going to tell me what to think

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is just like defragging a hard drive
mark the incorrect thought sectors as bad
and avoid them

saying your thinking is wrong
and that's why you're depressed
is like blaming the controller
when you die in a video game

I know suffering is framed as God testing me
but in reality
I tested myself—and FAILED

you pay for suffering
in the most devastating currency imaginable

cameras not being allowed is a telltale sign
they need to be somewhere

in the real world when you're older
at best, you get ignored for being different
(human punishments become more like animal punishments)
and when you’re older what’s in your head has less ramifications
on what’s in your life

working on your own doesn't "count" as work
in the same way joining a cult
doesn't "count" as a religion

pointing to Jesus in defense of Christianity
is like pointing to the product packaging in defense of a product's quality

God's like Tom from Myspace
we're supposedly connected to everybody through

you can tell you are in a hallucination
when you're right too much of the time

innate worth or no – the soul's inner ear

all love breaks
if jerked hard enough

life rarely decrements gently
you usually lose a lot of things at once



sucking air and water in - 12 17 15

the devil's most overlooked vice

to walk by faith
the legs of your emotions
can't be numb

if truth is more powerful than love
i'll be the first one to enter hell
(dammed by the prose of the gospel but not the poetry)

the gospel is fresh water
to those who are being redeemed
and salt water
to those who are perishing

i have no rear armor
i push forward facing the enemy
the attack may kill me
i die facing forward

mental illness  is a template
your emotions divorced
from your circumstances
(and they wonder why we love getting high)

corporations aren't people
if they were we'd treat them badly when they took welfare

they call gasping for empowerment bitterness
because that's the way it tastes
on the tongues of the powerful

there is no such thing as sexual purity
it's suppression is as impure as it's expression
if not more so

the unspeakable things that happen to us
cause us to be spoken of
more than we are spoken to

i am like a canary
(i die by breathing in)
because i am weak
and as i am being destroyed
it will serve to warn the strong

it wasn't that I tried to think outside the box
it was that the box was never offered to me

be cautious in situations
where there aren't any fail safes
because plan B is mainly there to give plan A
an incentive to work

(materialists of privilege)
the supernatural protects some from itself
those people experience 0 of it

if you had a shirt
with everything you were written on it
would you wear it inside out?

tears are treasures
they show a heart beneath
isn't completely frozen solid

there's a surefire way
to test the character of someone you're in a relationship with

God's voicemail while the we burn - 11 19 15

(from 2002-2003)

religion is
as religion does

anonymous promises are personalized lies

the rain falls on the just and the unjust
but just the just have a way of rubbing it in
on those rained on

when some have faith
mountains are moved
which others are crushed by

the dirty looks and nefarious gestures tell me more than i need to know
i am wrong because of where i am in society

sin is only fun for a season
but you spend the rest of the year
looking forward to next season

we regard people
how far we fall
when they drop us

i would cling tightly to Jesus
if i knew where to grip

i pray to pretty
because here it's the only way to deceive people
into thinking you've found God

i say "beggars can't be choosers"
you say "beggars can't be... so fuck off"

losing make believe makes you worse off
than losing most anything else

some people age like wine
while others age like milk

your friends are only there until God stops believing in you
your god is only there until you stop believing in him

prayer has 2 r's and one is not

exercising burns fat
suffering burns infatuation

i learn by doing
and having done to me

you have a fixed amount of tears
don't use them all up too soon

you learn more
in 2 minutes of hate
than you do in an eternity of love

suffering is measured with an odometer
the short distance is comedic
the longer distance is tragic
and the longest distance flips back to being comedic

belief is behind a door
that gets harder to open
the worse you need to get in

i'm such a firm believer in nothing
because i've suffered for it so long

never give up hope
but do change your definition of it

in God's time the fire will be put out
after the whole house has burned down

power, character, and mind - 11 5 15

no matter which way you dice it
life is about personal happiness
either your happiness
or the happiness of those exploiting you

what the rich in America
communicate to the poor in America
your life is a waste of our money

you don't win an argument
by feats of logical strength
you win an argument
by making your opponent feel like they lost

if sinus infections were stigmatized as much as mental illness
there would be a lot of stuffed up people walking around

until you can Shazam communications from God
(to see if they're really from him)
I'm not going to trust them

saying psychosomatic pain isn't real
is like saying a bruise on the head isn't real
because you got hit with a wood bat
instead of a meatal one

my self is the part of me that I value
my soul is the part of me that others value

with lovers
when you're dating
you're offered the pleasure of their personality
but after you marry
you're at the mercy of their character

religion is like a curling iron
it can make things pretty
but it can burn you
(and possibly the whole place) down

God judges people by the brain they
were born with the same way men
judge women by their faces and bodies
because your brain needs to be a perfect ten
to make religion work inside of/for you

I don't pray God's will
just like I don't pray for the train
barreling toward the girl kneeling on the tracks
in the process of ending her life

the parts of religion that are empowering
(meeting together, solidarity, trust, holding collective property, encouragement to speak truth to power)
the powerful are doing everything in their power to stop
the parts that aren't
(individual prayer, discouragement of critical thinking, use as a dumping ground for people who need expensive mental health help, deferral of reward into the hereafter, imperative to hope)
they're doing everything in their power to foster

power is needed
to the inverse proportion
of a society's justness

you can't detect your loss of loving kindness
because the capacity to see that it has gone
is included in said loss

Halloween: cast some spelling poems on you - 10 29 15

If you really want to see something that scares you just read my Verizon bill!

Area Man Drives Poltergeist Out of His House by Asking It for a Job
Billy Mackson lost his job as a librarian in 2011 and hasn’t been able to find anything besides a couple small under-the-table proofreading gigs since.  So when doors started mysteriously slamming in his upstairs apartment it was doubly concerning as he was stuck in his apartment due to not having any money to go out.  When this poltergeist locked him in the bathroom that’s when he knew he had a big problem.  He couldn’t afford ghost hunter fees so he googled it.  But neither praying, divination, garlic, or charms did the trick.  Then he realized how he himself had scared people away, simply by telling them he was unemployed.  So the next time he felt the poltergeist trying to make the living room bookcase fall on him he simply asked the haunting creature for a job.  Just like that the poltergeist was gone never to return!


wounds inflicted
there’s usually man involved
permanent has man in the middle

it's neat being in space
seeing the entire earth beneath you

they sometimes take out asses with a bullet
assassin has two asses in it


tasting something bitter
coincided with
finding a coin in my cider

pedophiles carouse
around the county fair's carousel

the thought of death puts few at ease
cemetery's vowels are all e's

an itchy head starts with lice
as does license

a count will try to take over a country
they may succeed

palace has lace in it
like a queen's dress

cushion contains an ion
that gives you a static shock

chemicals surge through your body
before surgery

the quick know the ledge is there
the soon dead do not

A bit lighter - 10 15 15

I saw a guyless girl once.  She was playing catch with the Loch Ness Monster.

While money cannot buy everything it can maintain almost anything.

Society is like a bowl of Lucky Charms. The normal people are the cereal and the beautiful people are the marshmallows.

The soap does kill 99.9% of all bacteria, but it makes the remaining 0.1% super strong!

They obviously didn’t ask the chicken how she felt when they wrote Chicken Soup for the Soul

I think we could end world hunger and wealth inequality if we just ate the rich.

Love does make the world go around.  That's why the earth's rotation is slowing.

the real reason zombies feed on brains is because they are insecure about their intelligence

Time pushes you on.  The past blows and the future sucks.

I used to march to my own drummer but he OD'd

the devil stole my joy and tried to sell it back to me in the form of controlled substances

when too many people wish upon the same star, it burns out

today is the last day of some of your life

Sometimes genius is just being smart and dumb at the same time, and in the right order.

The good news is I'm part of the solution.  The bad news is I've dissolved into the problem.

Justice is like lobster--it doesn't usually get served to the poor.

Your brain is like a vacuum cleaner. It sucks when you have to use it.


gears grinding - 9 17 15

last month's physical suffering
wears on today's mental health
and precipitate's next month's psychotic break
(which you will never be forgiven for)

the difference between being young
and being old
when you're old pain is boring

suffering may build character in one's life
but it definitely removes characters from one's life

when your situation is nuts
everybody's fine with it
but the moment you go nuts
the needles of Haldol come out

exhuming emotional hurt is like peeing
it's worse stopping halfway through
than refusing to do so at all

in networking
the person with something to offer
has got their firewall up
good luck getting to them!

sand in an engine destroys it
sand in an oyster makes a pearl
just as religion in an evil person makes them worse
and religion in a good person makes them better

good things in Christianity are like bikes
they are propelled by the people

as you get older
very few people are friendship positive
but it's not socially acceptable
to be candid about this

addiction is what generally fills the vacuum
left by depression

i want someone to tell me i'm worth something
but i can't afford the therapist's fee

the reveal is the eye of the storm in your head
and the rest of the storm with the people in your life

a telltale sign you haven't suffered much
…you think pain is cool

tell me my hope is just chemical
and my hopelessness is just chemical
but don't wonder when i lose my romantic attachment to life
and take it

beginnings and endings
are like kitchens and bathrooms
for real estate value

never read a book
about citizens of suffering
by a tourist of it

heat, brain and deity dance - 9 3 15

on a scorching hot day
prayer for something is having the car air conditioning on
inaction on said thing is having the windows down

science is what can be verified by others
one person at a time
(with the skepticism of the group)
religion is what can only be verified by oneself
many people at a time
(with the backing of the group)

mystery is just sugar coating
someone powerful hiding something from someone powerless

antipsychotics are allergy medication
for those allergic to God

when your brain
has more commercials
(thoughts it forces upon you
that you can't ignore)
than show
your heart is easy pickings

finding God
is more like the way a whale eats
than the way a lion does

the past is read-only
but the book is shoved in your face

the kind of love that gives
digs a well of resentment
the kind of love that takes
draws from a well of good will

shame is soundproof ooze
shame is the silent sound of "you lose"

they say God will make you content
and then they tell you
to be content because God says so

the job interview is to the disabled
as the court date is to the black

every label you give someone
is a piece of their death
you may not have actively killed them
but they're dead to you

i am my own twin
i make decisions
based on
how i'll get it from me
when i screw up

God's Achilles' heel is he can't LIE

(if there is no wick a candle can never be lit)
below a certain point in mental health
there is no access to God
this isn't brutally destructive

decay, fool, moments - 8 27 15

I am piss
whatever I was before passing through this body of suffering
I do not know

negative symptoms hollow you out
your inner light might shine
but you've been gutted!

there was go in my ego
and once it deflated
i stopped!

suffering coats your brain with Teflon
so the stuff before it happened sticks
and the stuff afterwards just slides off

grace is like a backpack people call a parachute
grace is an equation
the numerator being one
and the denominator being merit

the only thing you need to navigate to be successful
is the male ego

in love
each sweet moment must stand on its own
not to be hijacked in hindsight
by the subsequent sour

Fool tastes a lot better going down
Than it does coming back up

i'm a dog going back to its vomit
my vomit tastes better to me
than the best your chefs can do

I'm not going to do too well in the next life
Because I don't think God indwells people
I think he's just trapped inside of people

just as a quantum particle is changed
by you measuring it
a person is changed
by you labeling them

the supernatural claims to be free
but seems awful cagey to me!

as a man gets older
the reasons why a man won't talk to him
and the reasons why a woman won't talk to him

dreams are like clams
they stink when they're dead

people like me are like paper plates
we are meant to be used and discarded

negative symptoms
are radioactive decay
of a part of yourself
into nothing

the mentally ill
are the Geiger counters
that detect whether
Christians give off love

wound, brain, tally - 7 30 15

my brain stands between me and my higher power
like a junior high kid with his foot stretched out
to trip you, blocking your locker wearing that asshole face
I try to build an image in my head of my higher power
but the projector flickers and the lens doesn't focus
so what ends up coming out is a b grade horror video game
my brain is the nexus, the choke point
of all supposedly supernatural communications
if you were to say God was an egg, his yolks bloody there
(and to travel in anything as fragile and corrupted as my brain
is to come out the other side a bad sector
broken and ready to break everything it touches)

hear your wound?
that's the sound of the self escaping into thin air
like a plume of ice emptying into space
on some distant moon (Triton perhaps)
(and they say pain makes you grow)
yes, scars look tough but they're not really skin
and on the self
they are always in the wrong place, like the face
they're ugly but serve a purpose
they keep the rest of the self from escaping

perhaps the American system’s greatest strength
is the (patently false) notion it puts out
that it can be beaten

men are addicted to war
it's too bad men are only addicted to peace
when it's in pill form

romance is nice
but love is just the coefficient of how much you'll suffer for someone

cognitive reframing is like sushi
when it's done well it's great
and when it isn't
it's worth less than not having been done at all

they call it a master card
because I’m its slave

being raised religious
is like seeing chiropractors
they break you in ways
that only they can only repair

protection, contagion, fell - 7 16 15

where God is once
the devil is twice

time heals some wounds
but infects others

faith is like a windshield
it protects you when whole
and cuts you to pieces when broken

mental illness is contagious
it spreads via abuse

forgiveness is like a dart against a brick wall
try to will it and the emotions will kill it

you can't kill God
because God is inside the bullet

the fact
of who holds the future
scares me more
than what the future holds

Broken Pen Main