navigating a world which feels like gravity is working in reverse

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From an early age I always associated the concept of God with pitch black.  I know this was the opposite of what you were supposed to associate God with.

Also when I was seven or eight I couldn’t think about people (or at least I wasn’t aware that I could hold someone in my mind in my inner monologue).  I know this because my mom used to sing this 70’s song to me that went like, “baby baby baby do you love me / baby baby baby do you care / baby baby baby are you thinking of me”.  And I could never answer yes to the third statement.  Fast forward to age 16 and the exact opposite happened, people got stuck in my mind, particularly the girl I liked in high school.  She was/is beautiful.  Dork and nerd kryptonite.  So much so that a fellow computer club member would chase her around the computer lab.