navigating a world which feels like gravity is working in reverse

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  • moated

    Most people are moated, particularly those society deems worth engaging.  This means there are barriers to getting into their life and often these barriers are insurmountable.  I have been in situations including a college surrounded by people society deemed worth engaging and it was generally useless trying to get into their lives.  It’s only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older.  The only people that don’t seem to be moated are people on the spectrum and a subset of those who struggle with mental illness.

    Of course no one tells you this fact.  This is because it is one of the unwritten rules society is ashamed of.



  • logarithmic scales in life

    Walk inside on a sunny day and you generally can see indoors without too much fuss (unless there is something wrong with your eyes).  This is because your pupils dilate.  The scale of light is actually logarithmic.  There is orders of magnitude more light outside than there is in a closed off room inside.  This can be most clearly seen by taking a picture indoors that has a window to the outside.  The outdoor portions wash out in white.

    I feel there are other things that operate on a logarithmic scale, chief among them suffering.  A lot of us experience a lot of slow burn misery when our lives are not actually very bad at all.  What makes things bad is we are living inside of our head and reading about the nation which is in a slow motion train wreck.  However once a tragedy strikes or we are sick or experience distressing physical pain suddenly our life is orders of magnitude worse but we often don’t feel that all the way.  I have in my life been under pretty serious physical pain which led to an eventual psychotic break.  My life was much worse then than it is now but my mood was only somewhat worse.  Of course some of this has to do with the fact that when you are in a lot of pain your stress response kicks in so you don’t feel as bad during it but the bill eventually comes later.

    The second thing I think works on a logarithmic scale is status (particularly for males).  The (now former) friends of mine that are high status have orders of magnitude more than me (CEO’s and senior engineers verses me fighting for scraps on the informal economy).  Another proof that the status curve is logarithmic is the Redpill trope that women are going after the top 10 or 20 percent of men and ignoring the bottom 50 percent entirely.  If what made men desirable wasn’t distributed logarithmically I don’t think you would see this so pronounced.



  • used against you

    One of the greatest things I ever heard (don’t know who said it) was the question of whether something was worth using was answered by if it had been used against you.

    You could think of a myriad of examples but the one that stands out is the Republicans.  They voted in the 2010 midterms and turned things red.  Then they voted in the primaries to make things go further to the right.  Unfortunately the liberals won’t do the same thing.  If exactly what they want isn’t on the ballot they’ll stay home.  Look where that has gotten us!



  • thinking you know more about women than you do

    I feel like communities like Redpill make men feel like they know more about women than they actually do.  Yes Redpill men do have a better idea of what women really want in a man, but that’s just one facet of womankind.   It’s kind of like a deer hunter thinking he would be a good veterinarian for deer.  The two things are completely different.



  • Conservative Christains’ Legacy

    Conservative Christians control all the levers of power in America.  Never mind how it happened here are three ways it will leave its legacy.

    Cuts in education are designed to produce an ignorant populace which will be more easily swayed by propaganda. Republicans know they can get the next generation by keeping them as far away from thinking critically as possible.  Religion can’t do this alone anymore, plus the younger generation is dropping out of religion like flies.

    The old chestnut romanticization of suffering.  When making people’s lives miserable you can claim it is for a “greater good” or “purpose”.  This doesn’t really work with most people but the people it does work for it works wonders.  They’ll put up with all the crap you throw their way because it’s “building character” or some other bull shit explanation.  Republicans are going to make the poor suffer but their greatest joy would be if we also loved it!

    Conservative Christians want to make the world such a bad place to live that one will need to rely on religion to survive it.  This is actually the goal of all religions.  That is why the worst places in the world are the most religious.  If you don’t have anything going in this life you might as well pretend you are going to get something good in the next one.  Republicans don’t believe in climate change and the usual explanation is it’s good for business, but the real reason is when the world burns more people are drawn to religion.



  • a good thing?

    Why the fuck do people think Jesus being God is a good thing?  You want to call yourself God, knock your self the fuck out but you get all the baggage associated with that deity.  Why would anyone want that?  For me finding Jesus as God just means that Jesus wants me to do all the crazy shit God does (like drink piss, kill myself, and date women out of my league).  So for me Jesus had so much going for him before whomever wanted him to be God got everyone to believe he was.  So depending on what you experience of God, finding Jesus as God can be salvation or a damnation.  In my case the latter.



  • Authenticity, an Existential Threat to Christianity

    I think another reason a lot of people on the spectrum (including myself) are not Christian is we often don’t have the social skills to know what should be said only in private verses what can be said in public.  Even if we do know this we had to learn it by intentional cognitive effort, it wasn’t something we could ascertain on auto pilot.  As a result we consider public and private information on equal footing where neurotypicals have an easier time of brushing the private things under the rug.

    So that brings me to Christianity.  The problem with Christianity (particularly the Americanized version which God promises certain things, principally prosperity or at least that your life would make some kind of sense) is it can only survive in an environment where its successes are lauded but its failures are swept under the rug (because we don’t talk about them).  Mental illness (God telling people to do crazy stuff), early death, chronic conditions, no experience of the divine whatsoever, vocational failure, etc.. are all things one can’t bring up in public.  Church has the feeling of Instagram where we present our highlight reel while keeping the behind the scenes as tight of a secret as possible.

    I think one of the reasons millennials are leaving religion in droves is because of their authenticity.  They’re willing to ask 3am questions at 8pm.  To them authenticity is truth, they don’t want to subscribe to some life script that feels too much like a real life version of social media.  They already have an Instagram.



  • compound words

    I have been in contact with someone further along in being destroyed by their mental illness.  Sadly we are no longer friends.  But a couple of things I noticed from her.

    She would write out each word in compound words.  So the site Remedyfind became Remedy Find.  I find in the last couple years I have done that too.

    She would listen to more upbeat music like 80’s new wave.  I have noticed in the last three years doing that too, listening to that kind of music and hopeful music like Luke Brindley and The Innocence Mission.  I used to listen mostly to sad bastard indie.

    One thing I have noticed about myself is I no longer get that clean feeling people promise after taking a shower.  This is evidenced by me often wearing dirty shirts after I shower.



  • Jesus

    People (at least Christians) say Jesus being God is good.  All I say is when you claim to be God you own all the baggage associated with him.  Why would you want that.  So I’m supposed to believe Jesus told me all the crazy shit God did.  I know Christians go out of their way to present other parts of the trinity as softer and more loving than God but if you are claiming they’re God then they inherit all the baggage God is associated with.  You can’t have your cake and eat it too.



  • freedom

    the one with the most power
    is not the one who makes the decision for you
    but the one who forces you to choose in the first place

    People don’t understand what freedom is.  They equate freedom with having the widest array of choices.  But what they fail to grasp is the people in power and society in general are the ones forcing them to make choices in the first place.  For example these anonymous apps like Sarahah which are detrimental to those further down.  Once your peer group starts getting into the app you are pressured to get into getting it too.  You have already lost.  When I was growing up we didn’t have to make the choice whether to join this app so we had more freedom even if to the untrained eye it seemed like we had less.  Freedom is also expressed in the choices you didn’t have to make.