navigating a world which feels like gravity is working in reverse

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  • voice that won’t betray me

    Unreal 2 by Purple Motion [YouTube]

    God might send my heart to heaven
    but he is going to send my brain STRAIGHT TO HELL
    for thinking things it’s NOT SUPPOSED TO
    (my brain drives my heart, it gets to override
    anything coming from there)

    true love is the opposite of stretching
    if it doesn’t hurt you’re doing it wrong

    pride
    “man’s greatest virtue
    is God’s greatest vice”

    most of modern life is living inside the whirlwind of dueling psychologies
    and the lower down you are the more intense the storm is
    (because the idea that you have innate worth is shown to be a lie while
    while being lied to that it’s true is most intense)

    being a failure is like getting your eyes dilated
    the things of this world grow strangely bright!

    love doesn’t usually win
    but it often dies trying

    Carin, she was the voice in my head that didn’t betray me
    God, not so much



  • election

    Very happy the Democrats took the house.  Among other things Medicaid and Social Security would probably be gutted with two more years of one party Republican control.  We’re not out of the woods yet but the outcome was much better than what I expected.



  • nothing popping up

    you may feel you are facing an impossible situation, but the bible says, “God… is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of, infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires thoughts, or hopes.” Eph. 3:20 We are here to help you, help you help yoursel

    Sounds wonderful.  But what Christians tend to do is try to rope people in with these claims and then backpedal once people experience enough of the religion to realize it isn’t anything like it’s advertised.  A lot of people are good at selling to themselves the fact that the promises aren’t anything like the actual experience…  but some of us are so far gone we NEED God to act as advertised and when he doesn’t the consequences for us are dire.  When you get to the end of your rope you are at the end so can’t play the cognitive tricks needed to pretend “God” is there.  Of course people too invested will do damage control, find a silver lining, and romanticize the suffering for the sake of making them and others around them feel comfortable with it (nobody, regardless of religion, has the capacity to deal with senseless evil and chaos).

    It’s not my fault a personal God isn’t accessible but I get blamed for it.  It’s like one of those 3D popup books where you stare at visual noise and expect some figure to pop out at you.  You can live a lie and say you see the image but you can’t make that lie last.  God doesn’t exist in a way that is willing to be put to the test, which when times get lean you need entities in your life who are willing to be put to the test.  Not entities that you have to do damage control and make excuses for.



  • poetry on sin, the devil, and other things

    blasphemy is a boomerang
    it will come back to you!
    the blade
    on the edge of the boomerang
    is what you feel
    going through your neck

    the two sins you can commit in a bed
    fornication and despair

    some people get enough of the devil’s love
    to balance out God’s hatred of them
    unfortunately, both God and the devil hate me

    Christianity is a coefficient
    it multiplies good people’s goodness
    and multiplies wicked people’s wickedness

    D D D D D D D D D D Dd D D D D D D D D D D D
    D D D D D Dd D D D DD D D D D D Dd D D d D

    when you have hopelessness
    in front of your nose too long
    it gets behind your eyes

    the devil is a gentleman to those everyone else is a gentleman to
    fall further down and all his errs are off

    who is worse
    the devils
    or the church who turns away those with devils?

    Christians don’t understand
    if the devil can’t own your soul
    he can always rent it



  • just doesn’t work like that

    Some of the NT things that just don’t work for me:

    I’ll Sleep On It
    Most people generally get clarity on a subject after sleeping on it.  With me it’s just the opposite.  I had a decision I had to make and I slept on it and I was less sure the next day.  I generally have a very utilitarian take on it.  I balance the pleasure of the sin against the pain of the punishment.  Lately I’ve been so stressed that when I wake up I’m ready to go to bed.  I am trying to cut things out of my life but unfortunately I don’t have any power in my life because I am in the hands of my handlers.

    Trust Your Gut
    This is also a mystery to me.  My “gut” has told me so many things that have turned out to be patently false that what it is is obviously not what an NT would have.  Also with regard to religion a lot of “God’s guidance” comes down to trusting your intuition.  I don’t have reliable intuition so times when I was a Christian I just floundered.

    The Room Will Warm Up to You
    I have been told that in order for church people to accept me I just have to show up week after week.  Of course that does not work for me as demonstrated multiple times.  However for NT’s without disabilities that is socialization works.  They can say, “the people in this room will warm up to you eventually” because they want to string you along.  When the people don’t warm up to you it is framed as your fault for not having “social skills”.



  • God’s Goodness

    God’s perceived goodness is like an odometer.  People who have great lives generally believe God is good.  People with middling lives don’t as much.  But when things get bad enough people start viewing God as good again.  This is why more people would say God was good in sub Saharan Africa where there is dire poverty than in Europe where there is relative security.  Of course when you are in extrmis you don’t have the luxury of hating God.  You are so far down you need all the allies you can get even if it comes at the expense of authentic self expression.