navigating a world which feels like gravity is working in reverse

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  • Isolation Jar

    A lot of people have punished me with one of the most severe and effective punishments possible.  Isolation.  They dropped out of my life because I disagreed with them or I was too low status.

    I was thinking of the swear jar where people drop money in it when they swear and donate it somewhere.  I was thinking it in context of trying to curtail my taking God’s name in vain.  I’m still serious about that because that is prohibited by Jews as well as Christians.  I was thinking what would work for me is an isolation jar.  I would put coins in it whenever in indiscretion left my lips but instead of donating the money I’d count the money out and for each ten coins someone would cancel a time where they were going to hang out with me.



  • above and below

    capitalism is adversarial by nature
    because they’re trying to charge the most
    and you’re trying to get the lowest price

    you can’t force a mind to be free
    it must free itself
    on its own free will

    modern psychology has made life all about
    empowerment and personal happiness
    but what ends up happening with this
    is the personal happiness of the most powerful wins out

    I am such an abhorrant poisonous person
    many people will only hang out with me when in groups
    to have other people as a buffer
    to contain my Satan-ness
    (I am Satan’s one way mirror
    people see him in me
    even though he hates me so)

    lots of diseases kill
    but depression goes about it
    the most creatively

    Satan’s pal’s evil power pales
    in comparison to evil men’s

    More poetry



  • Pride

    Pride isn’t so much of an entity in and of itself is it is a glue that holds everything else in one’s life together.  For example take your typical window shade.  It will have a shade and an apparatus to connect it to the window. Pride is like that apparatus.  Pride is commensurate with how much you have in your life just like the window shade apparatus would have to be stronger to hold up a heavier shade.

    Times in my life where I had the most I also had the most pride.  I have less now but it’s because I have less and less of what makes people worth something.  I find it ridiculous that Christians vilify pride.  This is because for a lot of people their pride is integral in holding up their faith (as it is to holding up everything else in their life).  Being right and righteous are two things that produce substantial amounts of pride and just happen to be integral to most people’s Christian experience.  Heck I was the most prideful when I was Christian.  Of course the party line is pride is a sin which is a ridiculous statement.  If you are going to invent a religion whose final product is prideful people, don’t bother calling pride a sin. It would be like selling cars with the emergency brake always engaged or having an over eaters anonymous meeting in a mall food court.



  • moated

    Most people are moated, particularly those society deems worth engaging.  This means there are barriers to getting into their life and often these barriers are insurmountable.  I have been in situations including a college surrounded by people society deemed worth engaging and it was generally useless trying to get into their lives.  It’s only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older.  The only people that don’t seem to be moated are people on the spectrum and a subset of those who struggle with mental illness.

    Of course no one tells you this fact.  This is because it is one of the unwritten rules society is ashamed of.



  • logarithmic scales in life

    Walk inside on a sunny day and you generally can see indoors without too much fuss (unless there is something wrong with your eyes).  This is because your pupils dilate.  The scale of light is actually logarithmic.  There is orders of magnitude more light outside than there is in a closed off room inside.  This can be most clearly seen by taking a picture indoors that has a window to the outside.  The outdoor portions wash out in white.

    I feel there are other things that operate on a logarithmic scale, chief among them suffering.  A lot of us experience a lot of slow burn misery when our lives are not actually very bad at all.  What makes things bad is we are living inside of our head and reading about the nation which is in a slow motion train wreck.  However once a tragedy strikes or we are sick or experience distressing physical pain suddenly our life is orders of magnitude worse but we often don’t feel that all the way.  I have in my life been under pretty serious physical pain which led to an eventual psychotic break.  My life was much worse then than it is now but my mood was only somewhat worse.  Of course some of this has to do with the fact that when you are in a lot of pain your stress response kicks in so you don’t feel as bad during it but the bill eventually comes later.

    The second thing I think works on a logarithmic scale is status (particularly for males).  The (now former) friends of mine that are high status have orders of magnitude more than me (CEO’s and senior engineers verses me fighting for scraps on the informal economy).  Another proof that the status curve is logarithmic is the Redpill trope that women are going after the top 10 or 20 percent of men and ignoring the bottom 50 percent entirely.  If what made men desirable wasn’t distributed logarithmically I don’t think you would see this so pronounced.



  • used against you

    One of the greatest things I ever heard (don’t know who said it) was the question of whether something was worth using was answered by if it had been used against you.

    You could think of a myriad of examples but the one that stands out is the Republicans.  They voted in the 2010 midterms and turned things red.  Then they voted in the primaries to make things go further to the right.  Unfortunately the liberals won’t do the same thing.  If exactly what they want isn’t on the ballot they’ll stay home.  Look where that has gotten us!



  • thinking you know more about women than you do

    I feel like communities like Redpill make men feel like they know more about women than they actually do.  Yes Redpill men do have a better idea of what women really want in a man, but that’s just one facet of womankind.   It’s kind of like a deer hunter thinking he would be a good veterinarian for deer.  The two things are completely different.



  • Conservative Christains’ Legacy

    Conservative Christians control all the levers of power in America.  Never mind how it happened here are three ways it will leave its legacy.

    Cuts in education are designed to produce an ignorant populace which will be more easily swayed by propaganda. Republicans know they can get the next generation by keeping them as far away from thinking critically as possible.  Religion can’t do this alone anymore, plus the younger generation is dropping out of religion like flies.

    The old chestnut romanticization of suffering.  When making people’s lives miserable you can claim it is for a “greater good” or “purpose”.  This doesn’t really work with most people but the people it does work for it works wonders.  They’ll put up with all the crap you throw their way because it’s “building character” or some other bull shit explanation.  Republicans are going to make the poor suffer but their greatest joy would be if we also loved it!

    Conservative Christians want to make the world such a bad place to live that one will need to rely on religion to survive it.  This is actually the goal of all religions.  That is why the worst places in the world are the most religious.  If you don’t have anything going in this life you might as well pretend you are going to get something good in the next one.  Republicans don’t believe in climate change and the usual explanation is it’s good for business, but the real reason is when the world burns more people are drawn to religion.



  • a good thing?

    Why the fuck do people think Jesus being God is a good thing?  You want to call yourself God, knock your self the fuck out but you get all the baggage associated with that deity.  Why would anyone want that?  For me finding Jesus as God just means that Jesus wants me to do all the crazy shit God does (like drink piss, kill myself, and date women out of my league).  So for me Jesus had so much going for him before whomever wanted him to be God got everyone to believe he was.  So depending on what you experience of God, finding Jesus as God can be salvation or a damnation.  In my case the latter.



  • Authenticity, an Existential Threat to Christianity

    I think another reason a lot of people on the spectrum (including myself) are not Christian is we often don’t have the social skills to know what should be said only in private verses what can be said in public.  Even if we do know this we had to learn it by intentional cognitive effort, it wasn’t something we could ascertain on auto pilot.  As a result we consider public and private information on equal footing where neurotypicals have an easier time of brushing the private things under the rug.

    So that brings me to Christianity.  The problem with Christianity (particularly the Americanized version which God promises certain things, principally prosperity or at least that your life would make some kind of sense) is it can only survive in an environment where its successes are lauded but its failures are swept under the rug (because we don’t talk about them).  Mental illness (God telling people to do crazy stuff), early death, chronic conditions, no experience of the divine whatsoever, vocational failure, etc.. are all things one can’t bring up in public.  Church has the feeling of Instagram where we present our highlight reel while keeping the behind the scenes as tight of a secret as possible.

    I think one of the reasons millennials are leaving religion in droves is because of their authenticity.  They’re willing to ask 3am questions at 8pm.  To them authenticity is truth, they don’t want to subscribe to some life script that feels too much like a real life version of social media.  They already have an Instagram.