navigating a world which feels like gravity is working in reverse

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  • just doesn’t work like that

    Some of the NT things that just don’t work for me:

    I’ll Sleep On It
    Most people generally get clarity on a subject after sleeping on it.  With me it’s just the opposite.  I had a decision I had to make and I slept on it and I was less sure the next day.  I generally have a very utilitarian take on it.  I balance the pleasure of the sin against the pain of the punishment.  Lately I’ve been so stressed that when I wake up I’m ready to go to bed.  I am trying to cut things out of my life but unfortunately I don’t have any power in my life because I am in the hands of my handlers.

    Trust Your Gut
    This is also a mystery to me.  My “gut” has told me so many things that have turned out to be patently false that what it is is obviously not what an NT would have.  Also with regard to religion a lot of “God’s guidance” comes down to trusting your intuition.  I don’t have reliable intuition so times when I was a Christian I just floundered.

    The Room Will Warm Up to You
    I have been told that in order for church people to accept me I just have to show up week after week.  Of course that does not work for me as demonstrated multiple times.  However for NT’s without disabilities that is socialization works.  They can say, “the people in this room will warm up to you eventually” because they want to string you along.  When the people don’t warm up to you it is framed as your fault for not having “social skills”.



  • God’s Goodness

    God’s perceived goodness is like an odometer.  People who have great lives generally believe God is good.  People with middling lives don’t as much.  But when things get bad enough people start viewing God as good again.  This is why more people would say God was good in sub Saharan Africa where there is dire poverty than in Europe where there is relative security.  Of course when you are in extrmis you don’t have the luxury of hating God.  You are so far down you need all the allies you can get even if it comes at the expense of authentic self expression.



  • 48

    Creator of TempleOS, Terry Davis, Has Passed Away

    Terrence Andrew Davis, sole creator and developer of TempleOS (née LoseThos), has passed away at age 48. Davis suffered from mental illness — schizophrenia — which had a severe impact on his life. He claimed he created his operating system after having spoken with and receiving instructions from god, and he was a controversial figure, also here on OSNews, for his incomprehensible rants and abrasive style towards OSNews readers and staff. We eventually had to ban him, but our then-editor Kroc Kamen worked with him in 2010 to publish an article about his operating system despite his ban…. I hope he found peace — wherever he may be.

    At 48, likely jumped in front of a train.



  • xanga bits

    From my Xanga (’03 ’04)

    Seeds of certain kinds of trees only germinate under extreme
    heat. I think the same could be said about certain kinds of evil
    in people’s soul. The seeds have always been lying there…
    it just takes an extended period of extreme suffering to crack these babies
    open. But quickly the seed with the tiniest of roots showing
    turns into a giant under and overground trunk with roots and branches.

    Your IQ might be your own, but a lot of what you know and perhaps even your desire to acquire this knowledge comes from teachers.

    In elementary school you may have been taught about how the great plains Indians used every part of the Buffalo they killed.
    Suffering (and the oftentimes ensuing desertion) is like a part of you being killed.  Like the Buffalo, you must make an effort to put to use the dead parts of you to help those who will follow.
    Every fifth stoplight tells the story of a terrible accident.
    You will never get that part of you (and those relationships) back but you can be the vaccine that keeps life.



  • simulation?

    If they find out the universe is a simulation then the supernatural and afterlife suddenly become a lot more plausible.  This is because science is just the computer code and there is no reason why things can’t deviate from it once in a while.  Living things could have separate disk images that described them so when they died they would be loaded up again.  And of course there would be glitches and bugs you would be able to observe which for some people matches our world.

    Of course if the universe is a simulation I would say it is one that has run a muck.  But one with nonetheless a lot of beauty.



  • Stigma Around Pointing Out the Obvious

    One of the things in the NT world is there is blow back for pointing out the obvious.  For example:

    “Death is nothing to us. When we exist, death is not; and when death exists, we are not. All sensation and consciousness ends with death and therefore in death there is neither pleasure nor pain” – Epicurus

    An after life is an NT thing, people on the spectrum generally only believe in things that have been shown to be true by scientific evidence.  My grandma just died and I’d like to think she is in heaven but you know what, heaven is a fantasy.  That doesn’t mean that people don’t have the capacity to believe it is real.  It’s just that that takes faith which I do not have.  If there is no evidence for something, it’s not true.  The thing is, if I pointed this out to my immediate and extended family who are mostly all Christian, they would have a fit.  I think this is because they know deep down that faith is the only thing keeping their belief in heaven intact.  If they were to let their guard down and lose this faith then they would be back to where I am believing only in things that have been shown to be true by scientific evidence.

    The other thing I wish people would have let me know that I would never get a job above a janitor job because of my visible visual impairment physical disability.  My dad did mention this once in 2002 after me talking to him for a long time but I didn’t take it to heart.  The thing about unwritten rules is NT’s want the world to appear more just than it really is so when someone outs some unwritten rules that show it to be less just, they are not looked kindly upon.  If I would have known I could never get a job because of my thick glasses I would have invested my time and energy elsewhere.  No point in learning programming if you aren’t going to be able to get a job in it due to a disability.



  • Disability… in Slow Motion

    Pretend intelligence is smartphone quality.  The better quality the smart phone the faster frames per second it can record.  So for example you can do super slow motion shots of people jumping off the diving board with the most expensive phones.  Now bring it back to intelligence, the smarter you are the more information you can process in the same amount of time.  So you could say a smart person trusting their “instinct” is processing a huge amount of information on the fly.

    So what does this have to do with disability?  Well, unlike racial prejudice, disability based prejudice doesn’t go down as much as IQ goes up.  I think this is because disability introduces some additional negativity and fries people’s sacred cows on the griddle.  During the process of encountering a person with a disability, intelligent people are unconsciously thinking things like the below.  It’s kind of like a row of balloons being popped in this OK Go Video.

    • I have innate worth.  A person with a disability really puts to the test the idea that everyone has innate worth which deep down most people know is a lie.  But this person is shoving this lie in your face by showing you a test case of someone who, if innate worth were true, you would think would be worth something.  But in acknowledging this individual’s worthlessness you acknowledge that your worth is based on function and nothing more.  But this is not something you appreciate being shoved in your face.
    • I can express myself in any way I choose and still be accepted.  Individuals with disabilities also test the limits of free expression.  What you find is that just like tan skin is tolerated but only if you’re not a minority, disability is only accepted if it is seen as temporary.  So for example if you have a cast on your arm but are expected to heal people will treat you well but if there is something wrong with you they perceive to be permanent then they won’t.  “You do you” only applies to things that aren’t irreversible (for example a funky hairdo).  As an individual with a disability you understand how life giving conformity is and see through the “be yourself” ruse normal people are never required to.
    • I want to bring children into this world.  Almost everyone becomes a temporary antinatalist (someone who thinks procreating is cruel) when they encounter an individual with a disability.  I always thought “I wish you were never born” was communicated through disability based prejudice (as opposed to race based prejudice which is “I wish you’d die”). Disability reminds people that their life, on balance, could contain way more suffering than joy. And why would you bring anyone into this world if that was what was waiting for them? Of course after the encounter with an individual with a disability ends instead of moving towards antinatalism these people project their negativity on that individual. And why not? Cognitive dissonance is experienced as emotional pain by most people.
    • Medical science can fix people good enough to function as good as new in society.  As an individual with a disability I have gotten this one a few times.  On a diet of seeing shiny new smartphones we’ve been brought up on this narrative that science is going to fix everything which is far from the case.  For both my disability and mental illness I’m basically using treatments that were invented in the 90’s.  And I’m the lucky one, for others there are even less treatment or none at all.
    • God can heal people.  People of faith (particularly Charistmatic Christians) do not like encountering individuals with disabilities because they demonstrate God’s inaction in action.  A question mark is an enemy of most people of faith and a question that gets brought up is, “what does God really promise?”.  If nothing, is the faith really worth it?


  • incarnate

    The deepest truths are not true or false like a Boolean variable, they are incarnated.  This is partly why people get so angry when you are living a life that, by their philosophy, your outcome should be different.  This is why the people conservatives save their worst for are the ones who worked hard, were moral, and still failed miserably.  And this is why the people Christians save their worst for are the ones who sincerely sought God and found nothing or worse (that’s me, read earlier entries for more details).  If these truths were not incarnated, if they were just like math problems where you could derive a simple answer, then there wouldn’t be so much emotion around them.

    Every human is an island, whether you are allowed to believe so or not.  Most philosophies of life are one size fits all but what fits for one person may be the opposite of what fits for another.