navigating a world which feels like gravity is working in reverse

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  • thinking you know more about women than you do

    I feel like communities like Redpill make men feel like they know more about women than they actually do.  Yes Redpill men do have a better idea of what women really want in a man, but that’s just one facet of womankind.   It’s kind of like a deer hunter thinking he would be a good veterinarian for deer.  The two things are completely different.



  • Conservative Christains’ Legacy

    Conservative Christians control all the levers of power in America.  Never mind how it happened here are three ways it will leave its legacy.

    Cuts in education are designed to produce an ignorant populace which will be more easily swayed by propaganda. Republicans know they can get the next generation by keeping them as far away from thinking critically as possible.  Religion can’t do this alone anymore, plus the younger generation is dropping out of religion like flies.

    The old chestnut romanticization of suffering.  When making people’s lives miserable you can claim it is for a “greater good” or “purpose”.  This doesn’t really work with most people but the people it does work for it works wonders.  They’ll put up with all the crap you throw their way because it’s “building character” or some other bull shit explanation.  Republicans are going to make the poor suffer but their greatest joy would be if we also loved it!

    Conservative Christians want to make the world such a bad place to live that one will need to rely on religion to survive it.  This is actually the goal of all religions.  That is why the worst places in the world are the most religious.  If you don’t have anything going in this life you might as well pretend you are going to get something good in the next one.  Republicans don’t believe in climate change and the usual explanation is it’s good for business, but the real reason is when the world burns more people are drawn to religion.



  • a good thing?

    Why the fuck do people think Jesus being God is a good thing?  You want to call yourself God, knock your self the fuck out but you get all the baggage associated with that deity.  Why would anyone want that?  For me finding Jesus as God just means that Jesus wants me to do all the crazy shit God does (like drink piss, kill myself, and date women out of my league).  So for me Jesus had so much going for him before whomever wanted him to be God got everyone to believe he was.  So depending on what you experience of God, finding Jesus as God can be salvation or a damnation.  In my case the latter.



  • Authenticity, an Existential Threat to Christianity

    I think another reason a lot of people on the spectrum (including myself) are not Christian is we often don’t have the social skills to know what should be said only in private verses what can be said in public.  Even if we do know this we had to learn it by intentional cognitive effort, it wasn’t something we could ascertain on auto pilot.  As a result we consider public and private information on equal footing where neurotypicals have an easier time of brushing the private things under the rug.

    So that brings me to Christianity.  The problem with Christianity (particularly the Americanized version which God promises certain things, principally prosperity or at least that your life would make some kind of sense) is it can only survive in an environment where its successes are lauded but its failures are swept under the rug (because we don’t talk about them).  Mental illness (God telling people to do crazy stuff), early death, chronic conditions, no experience of the divine whatsoever, vocational failure, etc.. are all things one can’t bring up in public.  Church has the feeling of Instagram where we present our highlight reel while keeping the behind the scenes as tight of a secret as possible.

    I think one of the reasons millennials are leaving religion in droves is because of their authenticity.  They’re willing to ask 3am questions at 8pm.  To them authenticity is truth, they don’t want to subscribe to some life script that feels too much like a real life version of social media.  They already have an Instagram.



  • compound words

    I have been in contact with someone further along in being destroyed by their mental illness.  Sadly we are no longer friends.  But a couple of things I noticed from her.

    She would write out each word in compound words.  So the site Remedyfind became Remedy Find.  I find in the last couple years I have done that too.

    She would listen to more upbeat music like 80’s new wave.  I have noticed in the last three years doing that too, listening to that kind of music and hopeful music like Luke Brindley and The Innocence Mission.  I used to listen mostly to sad bastard indie.

    One thing I have noticed about myself is I no longer get that clean feeling people promise after taking a shower.  This is evidenced by me often wearing dirty shirts after I shower.



  • Jesus

    People (at least Christians) say Jesus being God is good.  All I say is when you claim to be God you own all the baggage associated with him.  Why would you want that.  So I’m supposed to believe Jesus told me all the crazy shit God did.  I know Christians go out of their way to present other parts of the trinity as softer and more loving than God but if you are claiming they’re God then they inherit all the baggage God is associated with.  You can’t have your cake and eat it too.



  • freedom

    the one with the most power
    is not the one who makes the decision for you
    but the one who forces you to choose in the first place

    People don’t understand what freedom is.  They equate freedom with having the widest array of choices.  But what they fail to grasp is the people in power and society in general are the ones forcing them to make choices in the first place.  For example these anonymous apps like Sarahah which are detrimental to those further down.  Once your peer group starts getting into the app you are pressured to get into getting it too.  You have already lost.  When I was growing up we didn’t have to make the choice whether to join this app so we had more freedom even if to the untrained eye it seemed like we had less.  Freedom is also expressed in the choices you didn’t have to make.



  • Christianity takes…

    Intuition: What is this intuition you speak of?  My intuition is as good as the foam package it came in.  Over and over trusting people, including good friends and just getting my head handed to me.  And of course in social situations being awkward as heck.  I don’t think a lot of people on the spectrum have intuition, I think intuition is largely an NT thing.  Intuition being the ability to size up a situation at a moment’s notice.  I don’t think the autistic brain works that way, at least mine doesn’t.  Christianity takes intuition because so much of “God’s guidance” is just what non religious people would call trusting your gut.  If you are like me and “trusting your gut” has gotten you no where then your faith is going to suffer (as mine did).

    Imagination: Atheists say God is imaginary.  They have a point.  Engaging a god takes a robust imagination which modern life with all its instant entertainment screens works against.  The way church services are designed is to point to a world beyond the one we see here, but without imagination all one sees are the props.  Loss of make believe makes one worse off faith wise than almost any other loss.  Additionally the loss of prophetic imagination leaves one unable to picture a world better than the one one finds them self in.  A lot of the good in Christianity has come about by people imagining a better world and fighting toward that end.  Without imagination it’s harder to fight because the reward is not in front of your face (like how the rest of modern life works).

    Patience: I always thought that if Jesus could make things go faster, the church would be packed with millennials.  Fast is expected of us and we need a higher power that can make things go faster.  In modern life waiting is almost always a negative and a sign that you are on the wrong side of an imbalance of power (for example waiting for someone late at a party).  There is also the issue that often things come either instantly or not at all because there is not much trust in the system.  Wait implies hope and trust.  Christianity asks one to trust and wait on God.  These things are counter cultural. People (including church people) are looking for results in your life right now, not in “the fullness of time”.

    Attention: We are distracted by all our screens and other things.  But Christianity is like a hard to read book, it demands our full attention.  But often we don’t have full attention to give to anyone or anything.  Additionally faith is communal property and authentic relationships require people paying their full bandwidth of attention to each other.  That means putting the smart phone down and being present in conversations and tasks.

    Social Skills: The same social skills needed to navigate through life are needed to conduct conversations with a deity.  This puts people on the spectrum at a severe disadvantage because often talking to God is just seen as talking to ourselves (which a lot of us do).  Also to get accepted in a church one needs a certain amount of social skills, sometimes even more so than the secular world.



  • God, one or three

    If you want to know me you should read this article on a programmer that believes God is instructing him on how to build and operating system.

    The article rings true because I fit the profile pretty well.  Someone who is a programmer, is mentally ill, and has had a psychotic break where I have transcribed what I believed was direct communication from God to a web page.

    The experience of receiving a direct communication from God is entropic.  You have a few options:

    1. You can choose to believe it and keep believing successive communications from God (while staying psychotic) like this man in the article
    2. You can attempt to write off the communications and try to re establish communication with God while sane.  The problem with this is once the revelations you had from God while psychotic are found to be frauds you have to actually have a kind of apostasy where your that world of revelations is blown to bits.  There is also the problem that compared to the way people say God’s revelations come (a “still small voice”) your direct revelations from God while psychotic seem so much more real.  There is also the problem that mental illness messes with your intuition, your mind is so loud the “still small voice” no longer is even audible.
    3. You can believe all communications with God are just going on in people’s heads.  The more I see inside myself and the world the more I realize the whole concept of a god that communicates with people is a lie.  There may be a god but he doesn’t communicate directly with people the way religious people claim he does.  Communication with God is heavily mediated by the brain so naturally if one is mentally ill the communications with God are going to be destructive.  It’s a no no in religious circles to say things like, “your mind is what the brain does” but my and many other’s lived experience bares this out.

    Which brings me full circle, after a psychotic break you can only choose option 1 or option 3.  Technically you can try to choose option two like I did but as your brain gets worse at doing the leg work of simulating interaction with a personal god you will drift off into option one or three.



  • my disorder

    A poem from Brooklyn at open mic last night:

    A public service announcement:
    My disorder does not have an off switch.
    My disorder is a living thing.
    My disorder is a puppeteer
    Sitting in my skull,
    Pulling strings,
    And fucking with my thoughts.

    My disorder is a coward.
    She hides behind a mask of her own making.
    It slides across my face like prison bars,
    Closing me in,
    Pushing you out.

    My disorder is a siren.
    She swims in waters of loathing,
    And comes to the surface to croon tunes in the key of deceit
    Their melodies so sweet,
    That I am drawn into her lies.

    My disorder and I are alone.
    We stand in a storm,
    Waiting forever for the eye.
    Fog rolls between drops of rain and tears,
    And hides hands of help.
    To see is to believe,
    And we are blinded by lightning strikes.

    My disorder and I are an artist
    We take beauty from panic,
    Pull poetry out of pain,
    Weave tapestries of words to hang upon the walls of this broken home—
    This broken brain.
    We lavish in the things that are really killing me.

    I’ve forgotten how to trust anything but my disorder.
    I’ve forgotten the notes to every happy song I have ever known.
    I’ve forgotten the difference between manic and ecstatic.
    I’ve forgotten what happy feels like.

    I can’t hear,
    I can’t hear their kind words.
    I can’t feel,
    I can’t feel their outstretched hands.
    I can’t see,
    I can’t see their concern.
    I can’t believe,
    I can’t believe that they care.
    Even if they do.
    Even if they are.
    Even if they’re there.
    Even if they scream.

    My disorder does not have an off switch.
    No.
    She is alive.
    And she is a bitch.

    By Brooklyn