navigating a world which feels like gravity is working in reverse

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non communicativeness

silence

I have been unfortunate in life in that the two closest friends I have had became uncommunicative in the end.  The first friend from junior high I had a falling out with and the second one from college I became too low status for.  These people aren’t stupid, they did what they knew would hurt the most, not necessarily to hurt me but as a show of force.  For the first one it was paying me back for our falling out.  For the second one it was to make a judgement on my failure lifestyle.  To communicate with me would be to condone the way I’ve lived my life, being a net drain on society rather than a net gain for it.

You’ll find that adults use non communicativeness as a weapon against people (particularly people close to them) who live a kind of lifestyle they don’t agree with.  For example if a woman realizes she likes women and has a girlfriend, her fundamentalist Christian parents or relatives might simply stop speaking to her.

For me as an aspie non communicativeness will always remain as something I don’t have the head to grasp (maybe that’s why when used on me it hurts more than it would when used on the average person).  I can understand not talking to someone for a limited amount of time while you’re steaming mad at them but not for an indefinite period of time.  Maybe I’m just too socially needy I don’t know.

Jesus’ admonition to forgive falls hardest on the aggrieved party but with his admonition to reconcile, the aggrieved party often gains as much if not more depending on how much they cared about said relationship.  For example reconciling with my best friend from junior high would be a godsend for me.  I don’t think there is any hope for my friend from college because that judgement against me is based on who I have become, not some wrong I did.

A bitter irony in the whole thing is non communicativeness is seen as a perfectly acceptable behavior for neurotypicals but when we do it we’re stigmatized as nonverbal and have our rights taken away.