navigating a world which feels like gravity is working in reverse

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More Lockdown Poetry

I do not claim to possess any doctrinally sound beliefs but I will say God is good is a reflexive relation. God=Good, Good=God. Goodness and love are detectable by the most hardened of atheists, the person of the lowest intelligence, and the individual in a completely psychotic state. Today is my sixteenth anniversary of my psychotic break where I was in the mental hospital for ten days. The one person kind to me besides my parents was nurse Jim. I was absolutely nuts but I still remember him fondly. Believe it or not part of my psychotic break was pondering the salvation of the Jews. I don’t believe in salvation any more but their view of God is more accurate than the one I was raised to believe.

pleasure in food is a zero sum game
you can either have things that make you immediately happy
while you are eating them
or things that do so more gradually afterword

I like Gregorian chant
and video game sound tracks
liturgy of then
and liturgy of now

Happiness often doesn’t come from feeling good about yourself
it comes from experiencing others’ goodness
even if it doesn’t materially benefit you
(like New York City Jews donating convalescent plasma to treat COVID patients)
(our job isn’t to make everybody happy,
it’s just to instill in people a will to live)

the difference between mania and joy
is in mania the pathology creates the reason
where in joy the brain is working correctly overtime
to create it

for thinking millenials and gen z
it’s not it’s 5pm somewhere, lets drink
it’s 3am somewhere, let’s think!
(we’re not afraid to ask hard questions
others shy away from)
we also seamlessly switch contexts like tabs on a browser
so we don’t have to be looking at the stars late at night
to ask the most forbidden hard questions

the opposite of Evangelical Christianity is not atheism
it’s mental illness
(that’s why youth pastors strongly discouraged you from listening to
Nine Inch Nails’ The Downward Spiral)
an inner voice you can’t trust
hope you don’t feel
experience of a totally chaotic supernatural
people social distancing from you (even before COVID)
poor countenance and physical appearance
failure to be independent and prosper
or ever cobble together a redemptive life narrative
(the narrative in its worst case, suicide)
SO the very act of you living your life
is calling an Evangelical Christian a liar
don’t be surprised when they reject and try to erase you

when you are worse at your brain
than your brain is at you
religion partakes of you
instead of you partaking of it
(so God becomes enemy territory)

people’s bad side is lower down than their good side
that’s why those lower down see the former more

forget about the lack of pain keeping life from having a “story”
if there wasn’t pain there couldn’t be power
pain is a necessary condition for power
power just boils down to “I can hurt you and you can’t hurt me”

psychology might be a young science
but it’s a very old religion

personality tests are like any other test you take in school
there are right answers and there are wrong answers

a lot of people believing something doesn’t make it true
it just makes it cool
and resisting something that’s cool is much harder
than resisting something that’s true

an uncool belief will be held to a higher standard of evidence
than a cool one
(that’s why no one believes in prayer snatchers
but almost everyone believes in God)

the difference between a lion and a person
is the former is forthright
about their desire to devour you

if religion were a movie you were going to see
the internet would be the spoiler

sanity and insanity
are like land and water
one recedes to reveal the other

imagine a not too far fetched scenario
where you don’t have enough money to keep up your streaming service subscriptions
so you lose all your music
and all your movies
well that’s what losing your faith is like
when you unsubscribe everything disappears

why would you assume
that those who went through suffering
with their powers of articulation intact
would speak on behalf of those who didn’t?

just because a lot of my emotional damage has been self-inflicted
doesn’t mean it wasn’t carried out against my will

Man is needed
for Satan’s hate to incubate
because good comes commensurate with evil
but the devil can only be the latter

Some people think we are caterpillars and will emerge from this lockdown butterflies.
I don’t buy this. We’re moth larva anyway.

As far as video games go
Judaism was Counterstrike
Zorasterism was PUBG
and Christianity was Fortnite

perhaps the American capitalist system’s greatest strength
is the (patently false) notion it puts out
that it can be beaten

time is an act of mercy
because it keeps all the bad
from happening at once
and destroying you

men and women are like the US and China
they depend upon each other to function
with the crudest of bonds amidst the acrimony

the difference between truly believing a happy delusion
and just pantomiming it
is the difference between someone else scratching your back
and you just doing it

if you have to cut someone out of your life
to maintain your beliefs
that means those beliefs probably won’t stand up to scrutiny

trusting God is a team effort 🙂
if Christians who were close to you are dropping out of your life like flies
it means they intuit that your life isn’t going to God’s plan
so they must cut you off
inorder to keep their views of God’s goodness intact
(but their pleas for you to trust God ring hollow
when by their actions they aren’t trusting him on your behalf!)

Christians are trying to shoehorn my traumas into stories
with redemptive narratives
judging from the Christians dropping out of my life
and none coming in
i have to say you don’t have a leg to stand on

you need one of two things
actual goodness of God
or actual goodness of brain
to play the cognitive tricks needed
to pretend God is good when he’s not

you ask me to find God
well, he’s either inside your brain
or he’s not
but they don’t have instruments to detect him!
(they don’t advise mentally ill people to do shrooms
to have those transcendent spiritual experiences
so chances are if you aren’t mentally healthy
he isn’t inside your brain)

the lack of evidence for a personal god
is out in the open and can be shown by science
where the lack of evidence for God inside of a person
must be hidden because of how much weakness in betrays in them

as long as reasons for accepting religion
can be trumpeted without consequence
while reasons for rejecting it
need to be kept confidential on pain of destroying your reputation
religion will always thrive and spread
(people can share their favorite Bible verses without repercussions
but not their worst traumas)

remember, if you aren’t one of the elect
God is as unbelievable to you
as you are to him

when i was at my worst
God was not there
but sometimes good people were
that’s why I’m a humanist
not a Christian

people are different than the coronavirus
because they don’t get down in your lungs to kill you
they get up in your head

if we were all given God’s strength than it would be ok that everything
would happen “in God’s time”

i only knew God when i didn’t know i didn’t know him
when i was six climbing tall pines i had no internal concept of God
and did not need one or have it occupy my head
i just communed with nature and played with my siblings
once i knew i didn’t know God things changed
(the “age of accountability” for me was just
when i failed to build an image of God in my head that helped me function)
the only time I “found God” in my adult life was when i was psychotic manic
after my psychotic break i was left with the pieces
deciphering things that felt so real
but now these things had to be split into what i was told wasn’t real
(delusions about the color orange)
and what i was told was real
(religion)
but just as i couldn’t feel the difference between the two in mania
i couldn’t in depression either
so i lost my faith

I remember on the way to open mic standing by the bus stop and hearing Losing My Religion in car stereos two different times. I miss the sunset through the Mayan Buzz font window.

My facial expressions have always been awkward so now I can be smiling behind a mask and nobody can tell the poorly times smile is happening. It’s strange.

I think the class of people who have really let us down the most are fortune tellers. Mid 2019 was their time to shine, telling us to ramp up producing hand sanitizer, N95 masks and ventilators.

in this day hope is just conjecture
but we still call it hope
because that sounds more romantic
and heart warming for old people

courage might roar like a lion
but delusion laughs like a hyena

your Christian witness
in really glib terms
is status times goodness

my arrogance growing up
was the witching hour
banking on the sun coming up

if the darkness takes turns with the light
you might be all right
but if all the darkness happens at once
you’re fucked

the coronavirus is taking the lives of the old
and making the lives of the rest of us
not worth living

we are all living our worst trauma all the time
on a deep subconscious level
that’s why for some of us to rise above it
is like a mountain rising from the bottom of the ocean
our peaks are just barely land
they don’t look majestic like mountains
but that doesn’t mean it didn’t take so much
to just get where we are

when you make a really bad decision
like I did in 2018 not seeing my grandma in Costa Rica one last time
some people have the audacity to tell you
you had the wisdom inside of you
to make the right one

a good brain
can play the cognitive tricks needed
to pretend there is a good god regardless of what happens
a bad brain, not so much

some people think that because i ask something of love
i don’t believe in it
would i convince you i believed in love more
if i asked nothing of it?

I’m going to get through this trial
but part of myself will stay behind
never to be seen again

life is like a candy
it derives much of its sweetness
from the brevity of its experience