navigating a world which feels like gravity is working in reverse

Expandmenu Shrunk


marriage dynamic

I know this is shallow but the most important question to ask before getting married is, “will my marriage be significantly happier than my singleness?”.  For some people (particularly undesirable people like me) singleness is not much fun.  A lot of us are vary lonely and single against our will.  Even a not so great marriage would be an upgrade for us, so we at least received a modicum of attention and appreciation.  However for desirable people singleness is a lot more fun because they are wanted and appreciated.  Marrying for them is often a step down.

The irony is that the people for whom singleness is significantly better than marriage are the ones people are trying to marry.


One Response to marriage dynamic

  1. Avatar Arcblade
    Arcblade says:

    What you’ve described here isn’t a bad marriage, it’s a mediocre marriage. A bad marriage doesn’t give you any support or attention, unless the attention is nitpicking and anger and hurt. Every day, inside the place you call “home” or the one place you’re supposed to be safe from all that.

    I get the loneliness that drives your thoughts here, but don’t mistake a relationship for the cure to all ills. It can give you support and attention, but even the best relationships involve conflict, and sharing your partners’ problems as well as your own. Now you have twice the problems and the potential for those problems to snarl each other.

    I’m not saying relationships can’t be worth it, but when they go bad, they can go bad in ways so detrimental that being single is far, far preferable.

    I’m aware this won’t be much comfort to you, given that it doesn’t seem like you’ve had much choice in the single/relationship thing, but it needs saying. Spouses do not fix problems, despite what pop culture loves to preach to us. They add more problems and more complicated problems, and you have to work through all of them. Often painfully.

    For what it’s worth, I sat in that position of ultimate loneliness for a long time, assuming no one would ever care about me that way. I finally ended up trying to improve myself for the sake of being less miserable while alone, and my significant other found me a few years after that.