navigating a world which feels like gravity is working in reverse

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I feel nothing

I feel the darkness growing stronger. As you cram light down my throat. – Pedro the Lion

I honestly think religion unfairly stigmatizes people who do not have a good relationship with their emotions.  They guilt us for being bitter or hard hearted.  I ask the question, “what am I supposed to feel?”.  I’m supposed to do this dance where when you say a certain thing I’m supposed to feel a certain thing.  I am supposed to feel bad about being sinful but that guilt is being drown out by shame from an overly pervasive culture that worships the dollar.  I just don’t get sin.  To me it’s almost a manufactured problem, like how cleaning product ads make us afraid of the bacteria on our counter tops with the aim to sell us Lysol.  I guess I just don’t feel the kind of guilt I’m supposed to feel—the kind of guilt that would make me seek out religious solutions.  I don’t feel anything when the story of Jesus’s death and resurrection is told—how he paid the price for all our sins.  I know I’m supposed to because a lot of people can put on the emotional waterworks when confronted with that story and I was never able to, even at the point in my life when I was the most Christian.  I’m supposed to feel that God loves me or God hates me.  I normally feel the latter because of my depression.  I think it’s putting an undue burden on sufferers of depression to force them to pretend “God” is there with them.  At that state pining for an experience of God is like making someone drink salt water—as if guilting them for not feeling anything is going to help their depression at all.

The bitter irony is that at the end of the day Christians want to guilt me for feeling nothing, but I don’t even feel that guilt because I feel nothing.