navigating a world which feels like gravity is working in reverse

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for me, it isn’t over

Adelle has a song “Someone Like You” that has the line “And that you’d be reminded that for me, it isn’t over”. That song is her not being able to get over a guy but I think it applies to people like me who don’t have the machinery to forgive. I like to say time heals some wounds but infects others and it is true for me because I see pictures of people whose wrongs helped precipitate my psychotic break (and my inability to not live at home) and everything just comes rushing back again.

I can pantomime forgiveness but in my heart it is bullshit. If you wrong me and the wrong’s shadow falls infinitely far I won’t forgive, beyond that I really can’t. I can choose to not retaliate and treat you with respect but I cannot forgive. That’s why Christianity’s imperative to forgive confused me, I get it that they were trying to break cycles of violence but to actually forgive you would actually need the experience of God that that religion claims to give you.

Time heals some wounds but infects others. Some people get over wrongs much worse than what I have experienced but I think whether you stew or pull through has a lot to do with how much opportunity in your life is offered. Had I gotten a job and a place and a social life and respect from people it would be a lot easier to put the past behind me because I overcame the wrong the best way possible, living well is the best revenge to people who were obstacles to you living life to the fullest. I also think this is why in developing countries in the Middle East where groups of people hate each other a lot of the hate is just due to not having anything else to do. These terrorists are usually engineers that weren’t even allowed the privilege of drinking to blow off steam and have little to no future vocational prospects. What do you think is going to happen when you offer them a chance to express their anger in terrible ways.

Psychologists like to brainwash people into thinking forgiveness is a choice which it partially is. But something inside of you that you can’t control also has to make the choice and if it doesn’t all bets are off.