navigating a world which feels like gravity is working in reverse

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  • 6 Harsh Truths

    One of the best summaries of conservationism I have ever read:

    Oh, wait, did I forget to mention that part? Yeah, whatever you try to build or create — be it a poem, or a new skill, or a new relationship — you will find yourself immediately surrounded by non-creators who trash it. Maybe not to your face, but they’ll do it. Your drunk friends do not want you to get sober. Your fat friends do not want you to start a fitness regimen. Your jobless friends do not want to see you embark on a career.

    Well I’m screwed.  Thank you very much.  Because of a visible physical disability as well as invisible ones my main avenue for showing my virtuosity is independent projects.  Once I was promoting my Bible project and the people on the site tore me a new one.



  • holding territory

    the lower you go
    the more your life resembles war
    your responsibility is to hold territory
    and the rest of the world’s responsibility is to hurt you for doing so

    I was meditating on this poem and thinking about how the more disabilities you have the worse you get treated.  This isn’t just because you look different and don’t function as much but also because you are a net drain on the government’s resources rather than a net gain for it.  Every gesture you perform is taking up space that is not allotted to you.  Conservatives hate you and they rule right now.  They’re constantly trying to take away your healthcare because they relish seeing you destitute and on the street because it makes them feel better about them selves.

    Of course I made a mis (mister) stake today and went to church.  There was a blob of people all congregating around a table that just ignored all of us and I didn’t go bother force myself upon them.  I fucking hate religion but I need it to be true because I have nothing else.  So I force it upon myself which (witch) does not do anything good for my mental health.

     



  • what is this eudemonic pleasure you speak of?

    I don’t feel eudemonic pleasure.  I volunteer a lot because I can’t find paid work and don’t get pleasure from it.  The pleasure I feel is hedonic like when I listen to a good song or are with friends enjoying tea or a chai latte.  I think there are a few reasons for this, first being that I’m on the bottom so any time I help people it’s not happening by my own free will, it’s happening because disability based prejudice is keeping me from fully functioning in society (via getting a job).  Also generally classes that have been oppressed (such as African Americans) get less eudemonic pleasure out of uncompensated labor because it was forced upon them in the past.  The second being I have untreated depression and I think depression (at least as a male) makes you feel your station more at the expense of anything else you could be feeling.  So if you’re volunteering you’re thinking you are on the bottom instead of how much you are benefiting people.  Thirdly I can’t read social cues so when people are grateful it doesn’t often reach me.

    Society likes to denigrate people who only feel hedonic pleasure labeling them as selfish and entitled.  I don’t know what to say to that other than a lot of times it is something out of our control.



  • election

    Very happy the Democrats took the house.  Among other things Medicaid and Social Security would probably be gutted with two more years of one party Republican control.  We’re not out of the woods yet but the outcome was much better than what I expected.



  • used against you

    One of the greatest things I ever heard (don’t know who said it) was the question of whether something was worth using was answered by if it had been used against you.

    You could think of a myriad of examples but the one that stands out is the Republicans.  They voted in the 2010 midterms and turned things red.  Then they voted in the primaries to make things go further to the right.  Unfortunately the liberals won’t do the same thing.  If exactly what they want isn’t on the ballot they’ll stay home.  Look where that has gotten us!



  • humility

    I tend to regularly rail against western religion here but I will give it credit where it is due.  It has a failure management mechanism that isn’t half bad.  Basically modern psychology tells people to double down on their pride after they fail.  But Judeo-Christian faith asks people to see these experiences as humbling us and calls us to embrace humility.

    I look at the Democratic party, defeat after defeat, and still thinking ignoring the most passionate half of their constituents is a good way to run a political party.  I get it that the young people have figured out you’re in the pocket of of the oligarchs and you don’t like it.  You’ll have to get over this.  The Republicans embraced their outsider and you spurned him, look who’s winning.



  • Quoting The Uncomfortable Reason Why It Came To This In Dallas Yesterday:

    Now let’s take a step back and look at the forces that would drive someone to do something like this yesterday. Here’s the reality that we don’t often talk about – that societies are held together less by laws and force and threats of force than we are by ethereal and fragile concepts like mutual respect and belief in the justness of the system itself.



  • the system is no longer just

    Comment I posted on Reddit thread how millennials are checked out of work:

    People are just wising up. In America religion was a catalyst to getting employees to put their nose down and work hard and employers (at their best) would agree to treat their employees justly. But in the last 40 years employers have tried to milk this for all it’s worth without holding up their end of the bargain. It worked for a while but eventually employees wised up and started working like they were disposable. And more recently the younger generation is dropping out of religion like flies because for them there has never been a time where the social contract was more than a piece of paper.

    People seem to forget that you only reap what you sow.

    The system will bend over backwards to get us to believe it is just.  This is because if we believe the system is just then we’ll feel a lot worse when we go up against it.  I was brought up Christian and to believe the system was just.  And it was more just when my parents were growing up, in the early 80’s a church my dad worked at even paid international airfare to get my eyes checked every six months while they were in Honduras.  But my experience after 2000 is the Christian and secular system is no longer just.  But because I was brought up to believe the system was just I feel worse going up against it than I probably should.  I know the upcoming generation won’t and I’m happy for them.



  • Racism is Real

    Racism is Real: Trump Helps Show It [nytimes.com]:

    Tomás Jiménez, an associate professor of sociology and comparative studies in race and ethnicity at Stanford University, uses what he calls the “ghost metaphor” to describe the quandary of people who personally experience or aim to draw attention to racism. “It haunts every aspect of your life, but nobody else sees it and they don’t believe you” he said. “Sometimes it makes a very pronounced appearance, and that’s why people seize on it.”

    My autobiography.  The times in my life when I looked normal enough and could pass as non disabled were the times I got treated leagues better and got jobs.  Of course I have multiple disabilities so often times one or the other would sink my chances, usually my visual impairment but sometimes my aspergers.  I always got treated the worst in church and job interviews.  And a vast majority of the prejudice flied under the radar, so much so that my family thinks I’ve just been unlucky in life.  Because it defends the oppressive social order thinking about it in those terms.  It’s more comfortable.