navigating a world which feels like gravity is working in reverse

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  • Category Archives Poetry
  • some angry poetry

    God doesn’t “elect” most of us on the spectrum
    because he hates us just as much as everybody else does

    who’s more powerful than God?
    the people who own him!

    when people say looks can kill
    what they really mean is that bad looks can
    because looking bad is often a sure ticket to loneliness
    and loneliness is as bad for you as smoking

    being accepted by Christians
    involves reverse gaslighting
    getting them to think you are extra sane

    ever-ee time i contemplate suicide

    my brain is a microcosm
    of a world without God

    the heart is like a pinata
    it makes itself beautiful
    with the unconscious aim
    of being broken open

    to most people you are a baseball card
    they are looking for your stats on the back
    or filling them in with their mind
    given what they see on the front

    i believe suffering is good
    it’s good for making you go on the government dole
    it’s good for making everyone but helping professionals
    stop talking to you
    it’s good for others who now have more access to life gems
    you were competing for (good jobs, mates)
    it’s good for stealing meaning from your life
    because the good things in your life like dignified work and relationships
    were the things that gave meaning, and are the very things suffering takes away
    it’s good for making all your conversations consist of emotional baggage
    so nobody wants to talk to you
    it’s good for alienating you because you no longer have common experience
    so you have nothing positive to say
    it’s good for making you invisible (at best)
    because you often have something visibly wrong with you
    that makes others feel uncomfortable

    no justice
    no peace
    no goodness
    no hope

  • Money in Your Brain

    I want more money. Money in the real world lets you go on all kinds of fun trips (at least pre-COVID) and gives you all kinds of health and security.

    Money in your brain does something similar, you can spend it to produce beliefs in happy delusions. That’s why religious people refer to faith as a gift. It’s actually not a gift, it’s paid for by money in your brain.

    Just as it is hard to make money in this economy that is going to Hades, it’s hard to get money in your brain. You have to have had a lot of positive experiences or have a brain that is really good at playing cognitive tricks.

    The younger generation is less trusting and religious and more mentally ill so I surmise that they don’t have much money in their brain.

    Some poems:

    learning how to think critically
    can actually deplete your brain of money
    because happy delusions melt away
    (assuming you didn’t have an abusive childhood
    you start out with a lot of money in your brain like monopoly)

    the way to be saved by “grace”
    is to have looks in your heart
    and money in your brain

    if you have money in your brain
    you can buy astroturf, to astroturf the bad things
    so things make sense in hindsight
    you can buy the ability to play cognitive tricks
    so you can make lemonade out of cyenide

  • More Lockdown Poetry

    I do not claim to possess any doctrinally sound beliefs but I will say God is good is a reflexive relation. God=Good, Good=God. Goodness and love are detectable by the most hardened of atheists, the person of the lowest intelligence, and the individual in a completely psychotic state. Today is my sixteenth anniversary of my psychotic break where I was in the mental hospital for ten days. The one person kind to me besides my parents was nurse Jim. I was absolutely nuts but I still remember him fondly. Believe it or not part of my psychotic break was pondering the salvation of the Jews. I don’t believe in salvation any more but their view of God is more accurate than the one I was raised to believe.

    pleasure in food is a zero sum game
    you can either have things that make you immediately happy
    while you are eating them
    or things that do so more gradually afterword

    I like Gregorian chant
    and video game sound tracks
    liturgy of then
    and liturgy of now

    Happiness often doesn’t come from feeling good about yourself
    it comes from experiencing others’ goodness
    even if it doesn’t materially benefit you
    (like New York City Jews donating convalescent plasma to treat COVID patients)
    (our job isn’t to make everybody happy,
    it’s just to instill in people a will to live)

    the difference between mania and joy
    is in mania the pathology creates the reason
    where in joy the brain is working correctly overtime
    to create it

    for thinking millenials and gen z
    it’s not it’s 5pm somewhere, lets drink
    it’s 3am somewhere, let’s think!
    (we’re not afraid to ask hard questions
    others shy away from)
    we also seamlessly switch contexts like tabs on a browser
    so we don’t have to be looking at the stars late at night
    to ask the most forbidden hard questions

    the opposite of Evangelical Christianity is not atheism
    it’s mental illness
    (that’s why youth pastors strongly discouraged you from listening to
    Nine Inch Nails’ The Downward Spiral)
    an inner voice you can’t trust
    hope you don’t feel
    experience of a totally chaotic supernatural
    people social distancing from you (even before COVID)
    poor countenance and physical appearance
    failure to be independent and prosper
    or ever cobble together a redemptive life narrative
    (the narrative in its worst case, suicide)
    SO the very act of you living your life
    is calling an Evangelical Christian a liar
    don’t be surprised when they reject and try to erase you

    when you are worse at your brain
    than your brain is at you
    religion partakes of you
    instead of you partaking of it
    (so God becomes enemy territory)

    people’s bad side is lower down than their good side
    that’s why those lower down see the former more

    forget about the lack of pain keeping life from having a “story”
    if there wasn’t pain there couldn’t be power
    pain is a necessary condition for power
    power just boils down to “I can hurt you and you can’t hurt me”

    psychology might be a young science
    but it’s a very old religion

    personality tests are like any other test you take in school
    there are right answers and there are wrong answers

    a lot of people believing something doesn’t make it true
    it just makes it cool
    and resisting something that’s cool is much harder
    than resisting something that’s true

    an uncool belief will be held to a higher standard of evidence
    than a cool one
    (that’s why no one believes in prayer snatchers
    but almost everyone believes in God)

    the difference between a lion and a person
    is the former is forthright
    about their desire to devour you

    if religion were a movie you were going to see
    the internet would be the spoiler

    sanity and insanity
    are like land and water
    one recedes to reveal the other

    imagine a not too far fetched scenario
    where you don’t have enough money to keep up your streaming service subscriptions
    so you lose all your music
    and all your movies
    well that’s what losing your faith is like
    when you unsubscribe everything disappears

    why would you assume
    that those who went through suffering
    with their powers of articulation intact
    would speak on behalf of those who didn’t?

    just because a lot of my emotional damage has been self-inflicted
    doesn’t mean it wasn’t carried out against my will

    Man is needed
    for Satan’s hate to incubate
    because good comes commensurate with evil
    but the devil can only be the latter

    Some people think we are caterpillars and will emerge from this lockdown butterflies.
    I don’t buy this. We’re moth larva anyway.

    As far as video games go
    Judaism was Counterstrike
    Zorasterism was PUBG
    and Christianity was Fortnite

    perhaps the American capitalist system’s greatest strength
    is the (patently false) notion it puts out
    that it can be beaten

    time is an act of mercy
    because it keeps all the bad
    from happening at once
    and destroying you

    men and women are like the US and China
    they depend upon each other to function
    with the crudest of bonds amidst the acrimony

    the difference between truly believing a happy delusion
    and just pantomiming it
    is the difference between someone else scratching your back
    and you just doing it

    if you have to cut someone out of your life
    to maintain your beliefs
    that means those beliefs probably won’t stand up to scrutiny

    trusting God is a team effort 🙂
    if Christians who were close to you are dropping out of your life like flies
    it means they intuit that your life isn’t going to God’s plan
    so they must cut you off
    inorder to keep their views of God’s goodness intact
    (but their pleas for you to trust God ring hollow
    when by their actions they aren’t trusting him on your behalf!)

    Christians are trying to shoehorn my traumas into stories
    with redemptive narratives
    judging from the Christians dropping out of my life
    and none coming in
    i have to say you don’t have a leg to stand on

    you need one of two things
    actual goodness of God
    or actual goodness of brain
    to play the cognitive tricks needed
    to pretend God is good when he’s not

    you ask me to find God
    well, he’s either inside your brain
    or he’s not
    but they don’t have instruments to detect him!
    (they don’t advise mentally ill people to do shrooms
    to have those transcendent spiritual experiences
    so chances are if you aren’t mentally healthy
    he isn’t inside your brain)

    the lack of evidence for a personal god
    is out in the open and can be shown by science
    where the lack of evidence for God inside of a person
    must be hidden because of how much weakness in betrays in them

    as long as reasons for accepting religion
    can be trumpeted without consequence
    while reasons for rejecting it
    need to be kept confidential on pain of destroying your reputation
    religion will always thrive and spread
    (people can share their favorite Bible verses without repercussions
    but not their worst traumas)

    remember, if you aren’t one of the elect
    God is as unbelievable to you
    as you are to him

    when i was at my worst
    God was not there
    but sometimes good people were
    that’s why I’m a humanist
    not a Christian

    people are different than the coronavirus
    because they don’t get down in your lungs to kill you
    they get up in your head

    if we were all given God’s strength than it would be ok that everything
    would happen “in God’s time”

    i only knew God when i didn’t know i didn’t know him
    when i was six climbing tall pines i had no internal concept of God
    and did not need one or have it occupy my head
    i just communed with nature and played with my siblings
    once i knew i didn’t know God things changed
    (the “age of accountability” for me was just
    when i failed to build an image of God in my head that helped me function)
    the only time I “found God” in my adult life was when i was psychotic manic
    after my psychotic break i was left with the pieces
    deciphering things that felt so real
    but now these things had to be split into what i was told wasn’t real
    (delusions about the color orange)
    and what i was told was real
    but just as i couldn’t feel the difference between the two in mania
    i couldn’t in depression either
    so i lost my faith

    I remember on the way to open mic standing by the bus stop and hearing Losing My Religion in car stereos two different times. I miss the sunset through the Mayan Buzz font window.

    My facial expressions have always been awkward so now I can be smiling behind a mask and nobody can tell the poorly times smile is happening. It’s strange.

    I think the class of people who have really let us down the most are fortune tellers. Mid 2019 was their time to shine, telling us to ramp up producing hand sanitizer, N95 masks and ventilators.

    in this day hope is just conjecture
    but we still call it hope
    because that sounds more romantic
    and heart warming for old people

    courage might roar like a lion
    but delusion laughs like a hyena

    your Christian witness
    in really glib terms
    is status times goodness

    my arrogance growing up
    was the witching hour
    banking on the sun coming up

    if the darkness takes turns with the light
    you might be all right
    but if all the darkness happens at once
    you’re fucked

    the coronavirus is taking the lives of the old
    and making the lives of the rest of us
    not worth living

    we are all living our worst trauma all the time
    on a deep subconscious level
    that’s why for some of us to rise above it
    is like a mountain rising from the bottom of the ocean
    our peaks are just barely land
    they don’t look majestic like mountains
    but that doesn’t mean it didn’t take so much
    to just get where we are

    when you make a really bad decision
    like I did in 2018 not seeing my grandma in Costa Rica one last time
    some people have the audacity to tell you
    you had the wisdom inside of you
    to make the right one

    a good brain
    can play the cognitive tricks needed
    to pretend there is a good god regardless of what happens
    a bad brain, not so much

    some people think that because i ask something of love
    i don’t believe in it
    would i convince you i believed in love more
    if i asked nothing of it?

    I’m going to get through this trial
    but part of myself will stay behind
    never to be seen again

    life is like a candy
    it derives much of its sweetness
    from the brevity of its experience

  • a dark Holy Saturday

    I miss the open mics. I miss hugs and gentle touch. I miss restaurant ice cubs at the bottom of a diet coke that you can suck on without the middle tasting like chlorine. It seems like the world has been burning so long it’s hard to remember a time where we could just ignore the News and there was no consequence for doing so. Or hear another headline and just be stopped in your tracks. Also whenever I get an alert tone on my phone that used to be for Amber alerts but now is for governor’s alerts I think this is the big one, this is the time the nukes from God knows where are headed for us.

    hard times
    produce soft dicks

    When someone you love cuts you off
    It’s like never getting to finish a good book

    people are the opposite of prisms
    because it’s beams of darkness
    that bring out their true colors

    people for whom life is to be enjoyed
    push this idea for those lower down
    that one is conscripted into life
    and you should just shut the fuck up
    no matter how bad things get

    people who romanticize suffering
    never romanticize its byproducts
    dole, derision, desertion, and death

    evil is like taking a shit
    it feels good to you but no one else

    people tell me “anything can happen”
    as if that is a good thing

    the worse your mental health
    the more your religious expression
    either rounds up to psychosis
    or rounds down to deism


    God didn’t die
    they were STOLEN

    God’s despair is cathartic
    Even as religious people say ours is sin

    I know
    i was poor in all of my past lives
    and whatever ends up happening to me
    i will be poor and with fellow messed up people
    on earth, in heaven, in purgatory, and in hell

    living in the moment is difficult
    when you know the worst is yet to be

    we aren’t begging for a loaf of bread
    we just need a trail of crumbs
    to lead us out of the cave

    we call it daymares
    when your waking moments
    are worse than anything your feeble mind could conjure in sleep
    in the back of our minds we always knew it would end
    but it’s still hard when it’s ending this way in front of our eyes
    when you fire up the news
    looking back on the destruction
    it turns you into a pillar of salt

    i have this convention
    from my journals as a kid
    that the easy times are written about marker
    and the hard ones in pen or pencil
    in 8th grade
    in the recess area that was all cement
    and in the locker room in gym class
    being pushed into a urinal on two different days
    i have always been a poor example for Christians
    because i never learned anything from suffering
    only the light let in sustained me
    like the Krakle and Mr. Goodbar every week
    on the welcome mat for hungry 8th grade paper boy me
    or an acquaintance sticking up for me in the locker room in gymn class
    these small kindnesses
    were the harrowing of hell

    we may melt away
    before coronavirus does
    night is coming when no one can work
    but come to think of it
    we didn’t really appreciate the day
    so its nautical twilight
    to a truly dark Holy Saturday
    the Father was the sun
    the Son was the sunrise
    and the Spirit was the atmosphere
    that held in the warmth and breath
    and spread out the light

    (and this is the one I sometimes read at the open mic when it is Maundy Thursday)

    the thief comes only to kill and destroy
    do not fear those who kill the body and after that have nothing more they can do
    who touched me, i felt the power go out of me
    be clean
    even the hairs on your head are numbered
    she has done what she could. She poured perfume on my body to prepare for my burial

    are you going to leave me too
    how i wanted to gather you in my wing like a chicken gathers her chicks
    my children, i will be with you only a little longer
    where i go you cannot come
    she has done what she could. She poured perfume on my body to prepare for my burial

    i lay down my life for my sheep
    wash my feet with your tears
    Why do you seek the living among the dead?
    i saw the devil fall from the sky like lightening
    how i wanted to gather you in my wing like a chicken gathers her chicks


    What we fear
    Is so much worse than we can worry

    O Coronavirus
    Crown of RNA
    Jesus in reverse
    Iran can’t get the medication
    so their citizens die
    while pleading to a god that can’t listen
    because everything is locked behind free will
    Chaos has been set free
    the world lives or dies by our whims
    and in some ways they’re greater than God’s
    in other ways less

    never read news alone

    give us our daily bread
    doesn’t help much
    when you already ate all of today’s bread

    courage often works like a credit card, not a bank
    you just act
    and the courage comes after the fact

    the Bible makes more sense
    in a world that is becoming more like it was then
    where plague and pestilence stalk unimpeded
    and governments don’t even fake caring
    about the will of the people

    when people tune in to the news
    they are looking for a dove with a leaf in its mouth
    but the way things are now
    they just get a draught of salt water

    a crisis brings people together
    but a tragedy tears them apart

    my faith has been a jack in the box, not a music box
    the music only plays while I’m winding
    I let go and it stops

    the more complex a scientific instrument
    the more data it needs to store
    the more active a mind
    the more baggage it accrues
    and the more expensive a therapist it requires

    i’m not one of the elect,
    my brain is read-only
    so it can’t get saved

    you are a bird
    the materials you gather in this life
    determine the nest you lay in in your next

    the further a rocket needs to go
    the more correct its trajectory must be
    the goodness of a society only really gets tested
    when things go horribly bad

    the flower that blooms in adversity
    is usually fake

    what you think are rays of hope
    can sometimes be gamma rays
    that fry you through and through

    I swear to God serotonin is the elixir of life
    I am burned out and fresh out of it

    only those who feign strength survive
    because so few really are strong!

    COVID-19 is like a terrorist
    who sets off bombs in the market
    and at the funeral of those killed in the market
    (in its case just keeping the funerals themselves
    from happening)

    in a tragedy only the strong survive
    because the strong are fed the weak

    where God is once the devil is twice
    where the devil is twice God is once

    being mentally ill during a pandemic is strange
    for the first time the things in the wider world
    resemble the things in our head

    goodness in people is like the stars
    only in great darkness do they shine brightly

    the only good that comes out of suffering
    is the good brought into it

    those of us whose lives are already a tragedy
    can’t handle a crisis

  • more poetry

    stemming is meditating
    for those of us who CAN’T FIND GOD
    in our brain OR out of it

    a cynic is someone who sees the world
    with a level of accuracy
    that makes others uncomfortable

    people who say God is near
    those his people are drawing away from
    are lying

    interactions after 40 are 4T, transnational
    all but the luckiest of us has so much emotional baggage
    that when we interact a good portion of the time it is transnational
    one person emotionally giving, the other emotionally taking
    and this pushes us away from wanting to interact with each other

    a lot of intellectuals say God isn’t
    well I say God is NT
    the same soft skills used to interact with people
    are used to interact with God
    your emotions have to function a certain way
    in order for any divine positive interaction to happen
    plus you need the church to not treat you like crap
    which is a rarity for those on the spectrum

  • holding territory

    the lower you go
    the more your life resembles war
    your responsibility is to hold territory
    and the rest of the world’s responsibility is to hurt you for doing so

    I was meditating on this poem and thinking about how the more disabilities you have the worse you get treated.  This isn’t just because you look different and don’t function as much but also because you are a net drain on the government’s resources rather than a net gain for it.  Every gesture you perform is taking up space that is not allotted to you.  Conservatives hate you and they rule right now.  They’re constantly trying to take away your healthcare because they relish seeing you destitute and on the street because it makes them feel better about them selves.

    Of course I made a mis (mister) stake today and went to church.  There was a blob of people all congregating around a table that just ignored all of us and I didn’t go bother force myself upon them.  I fucking hate religion but I need it to be true because I have nothing else.  So I force it upon myself which (witch) does not do anything good for my mental health.


  • poetry, more

    when God created a person with a disability
    he stamped “I hate you” into their very being
    so it’s no mystery that Christians’ politics
    are so turned against those of us with disabilities

    almost everything positive everyone believes is a noble lie
    and how high you are in society
    determines whether these lies work in your favor
    (for example the idea people have innate worth
    works well for pretty people because they would rather believe
    it than the truth that they are just getting by on their looks)

    noble lies are usually true for the speaker
    and false for the recipient

    Christians seem to think suffering is redemptive
    well it can be
    just like the lottery can be won
    but crowing about either
    does not make them happen any more often

    I asked God for help
    but I wasn’t there
    synthesizing him being there
    so I never got any

    some people whose brains end up all over the wall
    just had trouble fitting a whole church in their brain
    those people sniveling and rejecting
    telling them they were going to burn if they disagreed and felt different
    blaming them for not seeing what they were told to

    the God head has levers his people get to control!
    that make him open and shut his mouth and romp around the earth
    so what are you waiting for?
    get up into that mech!
    (The supporters of Trump
    made the jump into JESUS!!!!)

    waiting is our daily taste of death

  • poetry time!

    capitalism is an open air prison

    the thing modern psychology and religion hate the most
    is you owning your poor self image
    because this keeps you from renting it from them

    could signs and wonders be decoupled from revelation?
    Prophet Yaweh was able to call specks into the sky
    and he had a bunch of crazy UFO theories on God

    modern psychology likes to guilt those of us with disabilities
    who let our disability define us
    I say “how can’t it define me”
    my disability is the first thing people notice when they see me
    it’s the reason people won’t hire me
    it’s the reason I’m treated like shit in church
    and it’s the reason, in a room, people talk to everyon but me
    (the idea that you get to define you becomes hard to swallow
    when doing so means pushing back against literally EVERYTHING)

    people bemoan the lack of kindness in the world
    while not taking into account the fact that kindness
    and being a winner are often mutually exclusive
    because modern life is very competitive
    and you often have to play dirty to get ahead

    after your heart gets broken
    everything that should go there
    gets rerouted to your brain
    (which makes for a totally different person)

    depression puts your brain in Chinese handcuffs
    the harder you think
    the tighter they get

    hearts are like meat
    the more tender they are
    the more enjoyable they are to devour

    the lower you go
    the more your life resembles war
    your responsibility is to hold territory
    and the rest of the world’s responsibility is to hurt you for doing so

    call me infantile
    but I want my reward NOW
    I don’t trust later

    if the power of religion came from God
    and not belief
    it would sustain you
    even while you were losing your belief

    so let’s be clear
    if the hope God promises to give you never materializes
    you’re on the hook for the sin of despair?

  • voice that won’t betray me

    Unreal 2 by Purple Motion [YouTube]

    God might send my heart to heaven
    but he is going to send my brain STRAIGHT TO HELL
    for thinking things it’s NOT SUPPOSED TO
    (my brain drives my heart, it gets to override
    anything coming from there)

    true love is the opposite of stretching
    if it doesn’t hurt you’re doing it wrong

    “man’s greatest virtue
    is God’s greatest vice”

    most of modern life is living inside the whirlwind of dueling psychologies
    and the lower down you are the more intense the storm is
    (because the idea that you have innate worth is shown to be a lie while
    while being lied to that it’s true is most intense)

    being a failure is like getting your eyes dilated
    the things of this world grow strangely bright!

    love doesn’t usually win
    but it often dies trying

    Carin, she was the voice in my head that didn’t betray me
    God, not so much