navigating a world which feels like gravity is working in reverse

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  • CROWN OF RNA

    What we fear
    Is so much worse than we can worry

    O Coronavirus
    Crown of RNA
    Jesus in reverse
    Iran can’t get the medication
    so their citizens die
    while pleading to a god that can’t listen
    because everything is locked behind free will
    Chaos has been set free
    the world lives or dies by our whims
    and in some ways they’re greater than God’s
    in other ways less

    never read news alone

    give us our daily bread
    doesn’t help much
    when you already ate all of today’s bread
    yesterday

    courage often works like a credit card, not a bank
    you just act
    and the courage comes after the fact

    the Bible makes more sense
    in a world that is becoming more like it was then
    where plague and pestilence stalk unimpeded
    and governments don’t even fake caring
    about the will of the people

    when people tune in to the news
    they are looking for a dove with a leaf in its mouth
    but the way things are now
    they just get a draught of salt water

    a crisis brings people together
    but a tragedy tears them apart

    my faith has been a jack in the box, not a music box
    the music only plays while I’m winding
    I let go and it stops

    the more complex a scientific instrument
    the more data it needs to store
    the more active a mind
    the more baggage it accrues
    and the more expensive a therapist it requires

    i’m not one of the elect,
    my brain is read-only
    so it can’t get saved

    you are a bird
    the materials you gather in this life
    determine the nest you lay in in your next

    the further a rocket needs to go
    the more correct its trajectory must be
    the goodness of a society only really gets tested
    when things go horribly bad

    the flower that blooms in adversity
    is usually fake

    what you think are rays of hope
    can sometimes be gamma rays
    that fry you through and through

    I swear to God serotonin is the elixir of life
    I am burned out and fresh out of it

    only those who feign strength survive
    because so few really are strong!

    COVID-19 is like a terrorist
    who sets off bombs in the market
    and at the funeral of those killed in the market
    (in its case just keeping the funerals themselves
    from happening)

    in a tragedy only the strong survive
    because the strong are fed the weak

    where God is once the devil is twice
    where the devil is twice God is once

    being mentally ill during a pandemic is strange
    for the first time the things in the wider world
    resemble the things in our head

    goodness in people is like the stars
    only in great darkness do they shine brightly

    the only good that comes out of suffering
    is the good brought into it

    those of us whose lives are already a tragedy
    can’t handle a crisis



  • more poetry

    stemming is meditating
    for those of us who CAN’T FIND GOD
    in our brain OR out of it

    a cynic is someone who sees the world
    with a level of accuracy
    that makes others uncomfortable

    people who say God is near
    those his people are drawing away from
    are lying

    interactions after 40 are 4T, transnational
    all but the luckiest of us has so much emotional baggage
    that when we interact a good portion of the time it is transnational
    one person emotionally giving, the other emotionally taking
    and this pushes us away from wanting to interact with each other

    a lot of intellectuals say God isn’t
    well I say God is NT
    the same soft skills used to interact with people
    are used to interact with God
    your emotions have to function a certain way
    in order for any divine positive interaction to happen
    plus you need the church to not treat you like crap
    which is a rarity for those on the spectrum



  • holding territory

    the lower you go
    the more your life resembles war
    your responsibility is to hold territory
    and the rest of the world’s responsibility is to hurt you for doing so

    I was meditating on this poem and thinking about how the more disabilities you have the worse you get treated.  This isn’t just because you look different and don’t function as much but also because you are a net drain on the government’s resources rather than a net gain for it.  Every gesture you perform is taking up space that is not allotted to you.  Conservatives hate you and they rule right now.  They’re constantly trying to take away your healthcare because they relish seeing you destitute and on the street because it makes them feel better about them selves.

    Of course I made a mis (mister) stake today and went to church.  There was a blob of people all congregating around a table that just ignored all of us and I didn’t go bother force myself upon them.  I fucking hate religion but I need it to be true because I have nothing else.  So I force it upon myself which (witch) does not do anything good for my mental health.

     



  • poetry, more

    when God created a person with a disability
    he stamped “I hate you” into their very being
    so it’s no mystery that Christians’ politics
    are so turned against those of us with disabilities

    almost everything positive everyone believes is a noble lie
    and how high you are in society
    determines whether these lies work in your favor
    (for example the idea people have innate worth
    works well for pretty people because they would rather believe
    it than the truth that they are just getting by on their looks)

    noble lies are usually true for the speaker
    and false for the recipient

    Christians seem to think suffering is redemptive
    well it can be
    just like the lottery can be won
    but crowing about either
    does not make them happen any more often

    I asked God for help
    but I wasn’t there
    synthesizing him being there
    so I never got any

    some people whose brains end up all over the wall
    just had trouble fitting a whole church in their brain
    those people sniveling and rejecting
    telling them they were going to burn if they disagreed and felt different
    blaming them for not seeing what they were told to

    the God head has levers his people get to control!
    that make him open and shut his mouth and romp around the earth
    so what are you waiting for?
    get up into that mech!
    (The supporters of Trump
    made the jump into JESUS!!!!)

    waiting is our daily taste of death



  • poetry time!

    capitalism is an open air prison

    the thing modern psychology and religion hate the most
    is you owning your poor self image
    because this keeps you from renting it from them

    could signs and wonders be decoupled from revelation?
    Prophet Yaweh was able to call specks into the sky
    and he had a bunch of crazy UFO theories on God

    modern psychology likes to guilt those of us with disabilities
    who let our disability define us
    I say “how can’t it define me”
    my disability is the first thing people notice when they see me
    it’s the reason people won’t hire me
    it’s the reason I’m treated like shit in church
    and it’s the reason, in a room, people talk to everyon but me
    (the idea that you get to define you becomes hard to swallow
    when doing so means pushing back against literally EVERYTHING)

    people bemoan the lack of kindness in the world
    while not taking into account the fact that kindness
    and being a winner are often mutually exclusive
    because modern life is very competitive
    and you often have to play dirty to get ahead

    after your heart gets broken
    everything that should go there
    gets rerouted to your brain
    (which makes for a totally different person)

    depression puts your brain in Chinese handcuffs
    the harder you think
    the tighter they get

    hearts are like meat
    the more tender they are
    the more enjoyable they are to devour

    the lower you go
    the more your life resembles war
    your responsibility is to hold territory
    and the rest of the world’s responsibility is to hurt you for doing so

    call me infantile
    but I want my reward NOW
    I don’t trust later

    if the power of religion came from God
    and not belief
    it would sustain you
    even while you were losing your belief

    so let’s be clear
    if the hope God promises to give you never materializes
    you’re on the hook for the sin of despair?



  • voice that won’t betray me

    Unreal 2 by Purple Motion [YouTube]

    God might send my heart to heaven
    but he is going to send my brain STRAIGHT TO HELL
    for thinking things it’s NOT SUPPOSED TO
    (my brain drives my heart, it gets to override
    anything coming from there)

    true love is the opposite of stretching
    if it doesn’t hurt you’re doing it wrong

    pride
    “man’s greatest virtue
    is God’s greatest vice”

    most of modern life is living inside the whirlwind of dueling psychologies
    and the lower down you are the more intense the storm is
    (because the idea that you have innate worth is shown to be a lie while
    while being lied to that it’s true is most intense)

    being a failure is like getting your eyes dilated
    the things of this world grow strangely bright!

    love doesn’t usually win
    but it often dies trying

    Carin, she was the voice in my head that didn’t betray me
    God, not so much



  • poetry on sin, the devil, and other things

    blasphemy is a boomerang
    it will come back to you!
    the blade
    on the edge of the boomerang
    is what you feel
    going through your neck

    the two sins you can commit in a bed
    fornication and despair

    some people get enough of the devil’s love
    to balance out God’s hatred of them
    unfortunately, both God and the devil hate me

    Christianity is a coefficient
    it multiplies good people’s goodness
    and multiplies wicked people’s wickedness

    D D D D D D D D D D Dd D D D D D D D D D D D
    D D D D D Dd D D D DD D D D D D Dd D D d D

    when you have hopelessness
    in front of your nose too long
    it gets behind your eyes

    the devil is a gentleman to those everyone else is a gentleman to
    fall further down and all his errs are off

    who is worse
    the devils
    or the church who turns away those with devils?

    Christians don’t understand
    if the devil can’t own your soul
    he can always rent it



  • above and below

    capitalism is adversarial by nature
    because they’re trying to charge the most
    and you’re trying to get the lowest price

    you can’t force a mind to be free
    it must free itself
    on its own free will

    modern psychology has made life all about
    empowerment and personal happiness
    but what ends up happening with this
    is the personal happiness of the most powerful wins out

    I am such an abhorrant poisonous person
    many people will only hang out with me when in groups
    to have other people as a buffer
    to contain my Satan-ness
    (I am Satan’s one way mirror
    people see him in me
    even though he hates me so)

    lots of diseases kill
    but depression goes about it
    the most creatively

    Satan’s pal’s evil power pales
    in comparison to evil men’s

    More poetry