navigating a world which feels like gravity is working in reverse

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  • Yup…. more poetry

    if kindness truly mattered
    men on dating sites would lie about their character more often
    than their height and income

    God is gravity
    dispense with him
    and you will have to find which direction “up” is

    the difference between a deep conversation and venting
    is your level relative to the other person you’re engaging

    i have a photographic memory for embarrassing incidents
    because a lot of them explain
    why i’m no longer in the picture

    it’s rude for Christian friends I was close to ghosting me
    but it’s also rude for me to live a life
    that screams “everything you believe is a lie”

    my soul is so small
    it doesn’t have space for all the sadness
    so I compress it and store it as anger

    taking an ssri anti depressant is like lighting a match on the john
    it keeps you from smelling the shit you keep taking from assholes

    forgiveness is nice
    but the people who end up doing it
    are almost always on the bottom
    to the negative 490’th power

    disability is a Christ buster
    just letting your life speak
    living an unvarnished disability existence
    is enough to make Christians’ brains do a backflip

    the quality of information you receive
    is commensurate with your place in society
    (that’s why a social worker at the indigent clinic
    will tell you email reply time isn’t indicitive of someone’s concern for you
    but the CEO of Google will say the opposite)

    my brain works scientifically by default
    if you want it to work any other way
    you have to get me to play a cognitive trick
    which i have to be unaware i’m playing
    lest it be torn apart

    most of therapy’s tools only work
    when you have extricated yourself from an abusive situation
    just like a hammer can nail new boards together
    but can’t make anything out of a pile of rubble

    abusers are like gas giants
    their gravity’s so strong you get sucked in
    and your ability to escape
    is inversely proportional to how near you are to them
    they bend everything in the solar system around them
    and even things far away like portentous comets
    are flung with their tug

    life is mostly drudgery
    not being treated like shit is what makes it worth living
    and there is a lot less of that happening
    if you happen to have a disability

    once you can’t trust yourself
    you can’t trust God
    because trusting God necessitates
    being able to trust yourself

  • you didn’t ask for more poetry and we delivered!

    calibrate your hate!!!!
    the protestant Vatican hates those of us with disabilities
    that is why they are speaking over us
    to shore up the narrative
    because left unvarnished
    disability works like an armor of God piercing bullet
    through the faith

    more than we are led to believe
    is a zero sum game between self and other
    it’s the volume dial on your stereo
    the louder it goes the more pleasure you get
    at the expense of the people downstairs
    who tell you to turn it down

    the less market value you possess
    the harder socializing is
    because you don’t possess the life gems
    like houses, good jobs, and SO’s
    that are fodder for polite conversation
    so you are invisible

    we can determine where a black hole is
    by observing the stars that disappear into it
    just like we can determine the fallout of a confidence
    by the drawing away that often happens afterwards

    i wish i could take a mental health day
    where my brain takes a vacation from self-thinking
    (I think that’s why people like me
    are usually hooked on drugs and alcohol)

    my heart burns like the grassland
    my mind burns like the forest
    my soul burns like the swamp


    let the sky do its thing

    we are all finger puppets on God’s hand

    what do i say to the wolf?

    the sinner and the sin like the conjoined twins
    (not separating)

    i want to kill myself almost as much as God does

    all i care about is the way i feel

    it’s better not to know

    i study poison for a living (psychology)

    no time to lick your wounds

    baby there’s no way out

    life is larger than me

    knowing tomorrow is going to be worse

  • you didn’t want more poetry… but that’s what you’re getting!

    it’s going to take me four years to recover from a Trump presidency
    which is the time we’re being given a break
    between his two terms in office

    when Trump was acquitted
    God was aSTARTED
    heeez ready to make some head-way

    the more sparingly you meet out validation
    the more people take stock in it
    when it is given

    statisticians are trying to tell us
    young people are dying of suicide
    but in reality
    they’re dying of an allergic reaction
    to septic late stage capitalism

    the thing you can take away from people
    that will do the most long term harm
    is hope

    do Christians and Muslems worship the same god
    **checkes if they hate gays**
    yeah they do

    it’s up to us
    to determine if we will will do the work
    to be virtuous enough
    to produce a world
    that actually becomes worth living in

    being an un person
    is like a fire that is starved of oxygen
    (neither your belief or disbelief in a god
    ignites anything positive)

    remember, when judging whether religion is helpful
    you only see what that person’s religiosity does for you
    not what it does to them

    God told me to kill myself, drink piss, and date a woman out of my league
    so far i’ve only done the middle one
    but the first one is much more likely to happen
    than the last

    i think like Satan
    just tear shit apart
    without even the awareness of mercy

  • Poetry Old and New

    like the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
    has DON’T PANIC printed on front
    the Bible should have
    printed on the front

    sanity is a spectrum
    some times it’s better to be on one side
    or the other
    than aimlessly bouncing around the middle

    what religion boils down to
    is a way to get people to believe
    the best is always yet to come

    if you are perfectly atomized
    following all of Jesus’ teachings
    will make you miserable
    while following all of Satan’s
    will have you feeling great

    just as a quantum particle is changed
    by you measuring it
    a person is changed
    by you labeling them

    i’m a piece of shit
    but i’m not allowed to believe it
    (((i’m not allowed to bounce my thoughts off their thoughts)))

    remember i am a sopping wet sacrifice turning into a
    putrid rotting carcass while you are told to wait and hope
    (15 years and only got one janitor job i didn’t take because i thought i could do better)

    tying desperately needed moral teaching
    to superstition
    was nailing the life boat
    to the main ship

    I tried to cash out my faith
    they looked at me funny and said there was a penalty for early withdrawal
    and they wouldn’t let me see the balance
    faith was like one of those quantum particles that disappears upon observation

    I am an unperson
    I am a constellation of thoughts, drives, and emotions
    with no center
    I don’t hold grudges, grudges hold me
    I don’t think, my thoughts think themselves

    (sadness due to individual as well as collective situations)
    remember that love is like quantum entanglement
    it means a part of your heart will break
    from something that could be happening
    thousands of miles away

  • recent poetry

    the only reason something is real
    is because someone who can hurt you says it is

    waiting is the worst pastime
    because the time doesn’t pass!

    you can be evil, you can burn goodness
    and be warmed by the light of it going up in flames
    but once it’s all gone
    you have neither shelter nor warmth

    a weakness of the self-esteem movement:
    if you are on the bottom
    then the negative thoughts about yourself are dead on accurate
    (especially if you are a male
    as being on the bottom keeps you from both friends and mating)

    it’s easy to tell who the oppressor is
    because they will be angry at you
    for seeing yourself as the victim

  • poetry to power and disability

    when the whole world has always said “you can’t”
    and when, despite your best efforts, you say “I didn’t”
    its a sad demoralization
    to overcome prejudice
    sometimes your best is still not enough

    only the disabled
    recognize how precious and life giving
    conformity can be
    because only we know the ostracism and scorn
    that befalls us when we can’t

    the idea that God is near to those at the margins is unfalsifiable
    because those at the margins have no voice
    so anyone experiencing the opposite is shut up rather quickly

    the room doesn’t lie
    you can tell people’s opinion of you by taking it in the aggregate
    (but CBT therapy, complete bullshit transfer, will force you to discard this information)

    humanism was mainly for the humans in power
    because for them virtue is completely optional
    humanism was design to goad them towards choosing that option

    the one with the most power
    is not the one who makes the decision for you
    but the one who forces you to choose in the first place

    why would you assume
    that those who went through suffering
    with their powers of articulation intact
    would speak on behalf of those who didn’t?

    sometimes the word itself answers the question of its definition
    when you are forgiven
    that meant you made the other party give in

    a lot of abuse
    is just punishment
    for being disabled

    don’t pray for me
    treat me as if my prayers had actually worked

  • Truth is Tall!

    truth is TALL
    it marks the gaps
    between high status
    and low status people

    I don’t view truth like the Greeks who equate it with beauty or the Christians who believe Jesus to be the way and truth. I view truth as the machinations of the materialistic universe. It is what makes an apple fall towards the earth when you let it go. I believe the social rules of a society are almost as ingrained as the laws of physics even though we are lied to from the cradle that they aren’t.

    One of the hard things I have had to deal with in my life is the people I knew who cared about what was going on the world ghosting me or ignoring me for being too low status. My closest friend from college ghosted me for being too low status. He cared about Africa and Latin America just like I did. Then more recently during Africa’s Ebola epidemic I was looking for someone who cared about it as much as I did but the only person who did was too high status to talk to me.

    I bring this up because my low status works against me in ways that it wouldn’t for the average beer and shot person whose interests were more in line with the average American.

    I bring this up because there is a huge humanitarian disaster wrought by back to back hurricanes in Honduras that has displaced hundreds of thousands and flooded urban areas and crop land. The person I found it out from was the owner of Mayan Buzz Cafe which is a place I love. You can donate to relief here. It is legit because it’s someone my dad knows.

  • poetry from a place of resignation

    false hope is worse than no hope
    just as a cancer cell
    is worse than a dead cell

    the way people treat you
    isn’t a reflection of them selves
    it is a reflection
    of what they can get away with

    let people describe you
    by the way you take up space
    like spoonies
    who have a chronic condition
    and can’t give society all it demands

    one man’s miracle is another man’s tragedy
    (Evangelicals prayed for a Trump victory
    and the expense of those of us with disabilities)

    olfactory hallucinations are often popcorn
    and voices in your head are usually male
    and talk radio can drown out the voices for some people

    Christians and psychologists think you can make resentment disappear
    with a simple prayer, cognitive trick, or coping skill
    the truth is resentment is like nuclear waste
    it can’t be contained until it’s addressed
    and often fully ridding yourself of it is impossible

    on1 thing fo4 sure,
    B I G G E R

  • Poetry on Old Scratch

    you know the devil is evil
    because you take the d away
    and all you have is evil

    Christians don’t understand
    if the devil can’t own your soul
    he can always rent it

    wherever God is once
    the devil is twice

    the devil’s most overlooked vice

    if the devil is holding his breath today
    it just means he’s going to breathe on you harder

    Satan would much rather have you worship yourself than himself

    Satan lives in hell but he sure as fuck doesn’t stay there

    idle hands are the devil’s workshop
    but a rejecting church is Satan’s paradise

    when you get attacked enough
    you get antibodies for the devil
    even as it weakens you permanently

    Man is needed
    for Satan’s hate to incubate
    because evil comes commensurate with good
    but the devil can only be the former

    God is the sun
    and the devil is the moon
    (the devil gives no light, he only takes it)
    and the devil appears larger
    because he’s so much closer to us

    Satan’s pal’s evil power pales
    in comparison to evil men’s

    the name of God is just a lure
    for a thousand devils to rush in
    so many gods turn out to be the devil
    (now I understand that God and Satan sit right next to each other on the radio dial
    and both sound the same to the ear of those who aren’t super careful)

    when your mentally healthy
    your brain keeps God and Satan apart like wolves held by the ears
    when mentally ill not so much

    with normality it’s
    shut the door
    keep out the devil
    with mental illness it’s
    shut the door
    keep in the devil

    you can’t kill Satan
    because Satan is inside the bullet

    the devil is a gentleman to those everyone else is a gentleman to
    fall further down and all his errs are off

    i saw God guiding the devil’s hand
    as Satan swung the lobotomus poker to and fro
    taking out large swaths of my being

    God dies in our trauma
    and Satan is resurrected

    Satan stole God’s cellphone
    and started messaging me
    God took the phone back and apologized
    I forgave God
    but never would I trust him again

    the devil and i
    had a staring contest
    we locked eyes
    he won
    and got the hope behind mine

    it was debatable
    whether God or the devil
    were more of a coward
    for not showing them self
    to the scientists, so they could make an informed decision
    on who to follow
    but maybe they’re just both too powerful
    to show them selves to pieces of shit like us
    and we’re supposed to respect what we do in humans
    that silence=power

    God is one
    but the devil has won

  • some angry poetry

    God doesn’t “elect” most of us on the spectrum
    because he hates us just as much as everybody else does

    who’s more powerful than God?
    the people who own him!

    when people say looks can kill
    what they really mean is that bad looks can
    because looking bad is often a sure ticket to loneliness
    and loneliness is as bad for you as smoking

    being accepted by Christians
    involves reverse gaslighting
    getting them to think you are extra sane

    ever-ee time i contemplate suicide

    my brain is a microcosm
    of a world without God

    the heart is like a pinata
    it makes itself beautiful
    with the unconscious aim
    of being broken open

    to most people you are a baseball card
    they are looking for your stats on the back
    or filling them in with their mind
    given what they see on the front

    i believe suffering is good
    it’s good for making you go on the government dole
    it’s good for making everyone but helping professionals
    stop talking to you
    it’s good for others who now have more access to life gems
    you were competing for (good jobs, mates)
    it’s good for stealing meaning from your life
    because the good things in your life like dignified work and relationships
    were the things that gave meaning, and are the very things suffering takes away
    it’s good for making all your conversations consist of emotional baggage
    so nobody wants to talk to you
    it’s good for alienating you because you no longer have common experience
    so you have nothing positive to say
    it’s good for making you invisible (at best)
    because you often have something visibly wrong with you
    that makes others feel uncomfortable

    no justice
    no peace
    no goodness
    no hope