navigating a world which feels like gravity is working in reverse

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  • Category Archives Mental Illness
  • How?

    When Christians ask me, “how do you do it without God?”, I respond with, “I ask myself that same question”.  This outs what they really mean, “how do you do it without religion?”.  It’s just assumed that religion will somehow put you in communication with God which is over assuming.  It never put me in communication with God, when I wasn’t psychotic.

  • The laws of thermodynamics never fail, even the least of us

    Imagine if you got on a plane and the pilot was on the spectrum.  Then they had to get a new pilot, not because the pilot wasn’t skilled and talented enough to fly the plane, but—because of his autism—the laws of thermodynamics wouldn’t work in such a way that the plane would fly.  That would be ridiculous.  But that describes our relationship with God and religion pretty perfectly.  Because of the way our brains our wired we have a hard to impossible time interacting with the divine.  Which begs the question, if there were a god wouldn’t he be equally accessible to everyone (the same way the law of thermodynamics is), regardless of their brain configuration?

    I find science is a safe space for me because it functions uniformly regardless of brain configuration.  A night when I was completely out of my mind (would be heading to the mental hospital the next day) I picked up an old school Game Boy Color and played some Tetris.  I was trying to test whether I had gotten a lot better at it, to match what my delusions of grandeur were telling me.  In that moment in that game it was shown that I wasn’t any better.  I was just as bad as usual.  Tetris was being the scientific objective voice I needed (God, on the other hand, was telling me all kinds of crazy shit).

    Religion didn’t always involve the brain being front and center and then it was probably easier for autistics to be involved in it.  But as people have amassed more of a sense of self and the promises of interaction with the divine go grander and grander, the brain has taken center stage.

  • Mental Health and Christianity

    Great comment on a thread on the Ex-Christian subreddit asking why Christians are so uptight about Mental Health treatment:

    Because a mental illness is essentially an illness of the consciousness, which is what people probably mean when they talk about a soul. So in that regard, mental health is basically spiritual health and that’s supposed to be God’s job. Seeking help elsewhere is basically saying that a good God is doing his job badly. A kind of action-implied blasphemy. I’ve literally heard my aunt say “there’s no way you can actually be depressed when you have Jesus in your life”. Not knowing, of course, that it’s something I was struggling with. :/

    It’s gotta be a holdover from when illnesses like epilepsy and schizophrenia were understood as demon possession. (perhaps also, ironically, as gifts of prophecy?)

  • poetry 12 24

    pointing to Jesus
    in defense of Christianity
    is like pointing to the product packaging
    in defense of a product’s quality

    when you admit you’re suicidal to someone you want
    that relationship generally kills itself

    (don’t lean against your invisible cage in a way that creates a posture that couldn’t be maintained solely by your own balance)
    you can’t out the beliefs that you’re not allowed to hold
    because then the powerless would catch on that these beliefs were empowering

    the gospel is fresh water
    to those who are being redeemed
    and salt water
    to those who are perishing

    suffering is measured with an odometer
    the short distance is comedic
    the longer distance is tragic
    and the longest distance flips back to being comedic

    you can tell you are in a hallucination
    when you’re right too much of the time

    when you’re mentally ill
    God and the devil
    are like wires of a bomb
    and you never know where to cut

    there’s a surefire way to test the character of someone you’re in a relationship with

  • brain as computer


    “He saw himself as a scientific materialist; he believes that metaphor—the brain as a computer—has done more to increase the number of atheists than anything by Darwin.”

    This is a quote from a schizophrenic programmer who wrote his own sixteen color operating system called TempleOS.  The whole article is very interesting but I’m mainly focusing on this brain as computer analogy and how it causes us to see ourselves differently.  Being a Computer Science graduate I gravitated towards seeing my brain as a computer so much so that when I had a psychotic break one of the things I wanted to have them do is run my brain through the old-school DOS Scandisk to look for bad sectors (the Scandisk from the Windows 95/98 days, the one that would run on the boot after the computer failed to shut down properly).  More recently I’ve talked about sandboxing relationships that meant a lot to me which I didn’t do when I was in my early 20’s (much to my chagrin because I am still not over them).  Sandboxing is when you run a process cordoned off from the rest of the computer’s resources so it can’t crash or manipulate the rest of the system.

    The metaphor of the brain as a computer when internalized subconsciously is incredibly materialistic, leaving out the soul or supernatural agents.  It breeds scientism and pragmatism.  Things are framed as inputs, processing, and outputs.  This is one reason millennials (who often exhibit this metaphor) absolutely can’t metabolize hypocrisy.  Because they see clearly the inputs, the outputs, and the disconnect between the two.  Output and outworking are what are paramount, existence precedes essence.

    One in four of us millennials has a mental illness and in this regard we see religion as a software patch attempting to fix a hardware problem (as if brain chemicals could be put correctly merely by force of will).  We see religion like an annoying friend trying to photo bomb every picture we take.  It inserts itself into places it has no business being like how one can “pray” the mental illness or gay or whatever away.  By design it’s the one thing, the only thing, the most important thing.  Just follow these spiritual disciplines and things will improve and if they don’t improve you’re not doing it right, it’s your fault.  A lot of time people will judge you based on whether your life compiles.  If they see any fatal errors in you (not living up to what they expect of you) they’ll simply ignore or scorn you.

    Then you have apps like Shazam and SoundHound.  Suddenly we can consult an app to see who what we hear is coming from.  God’s voice can’t be Shzam’d and it makes taking instructions from a deity just seem more and more ridiculous.

  • truth we can handle

    the mentally healthy can take religion
    a kernel of crazy stuff
    with a shell of rationality
    but those of us mentally ill
    eat through the shell and cannot handle the kernel

    I don’t choose what to believe
    the evidence
    chooses for me

    Listened to an amazing Blind Hour podcast on bipolar.  One of the things I took away from it is it’s very hard not to give in to psychosis.  This has been a fundamental to the way I reckon truth.  I have deeply personal reasons for tying truth to the things I tie it to.  For me it’s a grounding mechanism, a bulwark against encroaching psychosis.  The guy in the podcast who was bipolar said the medication kept 95% of the psychosis away and my experience bares that out.  Belief in the supernatural and in particular that a god is talking to me has caused me a whole heap of trouble in the past so I avoid it now.  God has basically told me to date women out of my league, drink piss, and kill myself so I don’t think too highly of his advice.

    Communications with God are so hard to shake off, no matter how toxic, because communicating with a deity is, by its very nature, extra-rational.  You consult a deity when you need an opinion that might not line up with reason or what those around you want you to hear.  Crack open a Bible and you will hear God telling people to do all kinds of interesting stuff.  Delusions of grandeur brought on by psychosis are easier to combat because once you start thinking rationally again you can read cues from the rest of the world as to your place in society and since those cues persist through all levels of sanity they’re easy to accept.

    And then, whaddaya know I got people shoving religion down my throat because I am in a low position in society and the answer to all your problems (even your problems with religion) is more religion!  You don’t shove peanut butter down the throat of a kid who has peanut allergies do you?  Then why do you shove God down the throat of someone who obviously had adverse reactions to God and religion?

  • I feel nothing

    I feel the darkness growing stronger. As you cram light down my throat. – Pedro the Lion

    I honestly think religion unfairly stigmatizes people who do not have a good relationship with their emotions.  They guilt us for being bitter or hard hearted.  I ask the question, “what am I supposed to feel?”.  I’m supposed to do this dance where when you say a certain thing I’m supposed to feel a certain thing.  I am supposed to feel bad about being sinful but that guilt is being drown out by shame from an overly pervasive culture that worships the dollar.  I just don’t get sin.  To me it’s almost a manufactured problem, like how cleaning product ads make us afraid of the bacteria on our counter tops with the aim to sell us Lysol.  I guess I just don’t feel the kind of guilt I’m supposed to feel—the kind of guilt that would make me seek out religious solutions.  I don’t feel anything when the story of Jesus’s death and resurrection is told—how he paid the price for all our sins.  I know I’m supposed to because a lot of people can put on the emotional waterworks when confronted with that story and I was never able to, even at the point in my life when I was the most Christian.  I’m supposed to feel that God loves me or God hates me.  I normally feel the latter because of my depression.  I think it’s putting an undue burden on sufferers of depression to force them to pretend “God” is there with them.  At that state pining for an experience of God is like making someone drink salt water—as if guilting them for not feeling anything is going to help their depression at all.

    The bitter irony is that at the end of the day Christians want to guilt me for feeling nothing, but I don’t even feel that guilt because I feel nothing.

  • indistinguishable

    To me, God is indistinguishable from mania.  People generally don’t find God through reading arguments, they find God because they have a feeling of peace and warmth wash over them.  I have definitely had that when I’m manic.  I know it’s all chemicals.  If we had a better understanding of the brain we might be able to induce these feelings on cue.