navigating a world which feels like gravity is working in reverse

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  • Category Archives Faith
  • Competitive Praying

    One thing they left out of the Book of Common Prayer is that in order for many of your prayers to work they have to be uncommon, they have to beat out all the others’ prayers for the same thing.  For example if you are vying for that good house or that job with a living wage, you are competing with many other people.  Your prayer needs to work better than theirs.  Obviously this gets left out in religious literature since religion was created by people on the top who would win at anything they competed for by virtue of being on top.



  • Pleasantry Delusions

    One of the things I dislike the most about Christianity is that it says the pleasantry delusions are actually real.  Everybody knows pleasantry delusions are just delusions or noble lies, nothing more.  For example people don’t have innate worth (as those of us on the spectrum experience daily as we are on the bottom).  Or the idea that virtue is more important than power.  People on the spectrum don’t have the social acumen to see through these pleasantry delusions, particularly when raised Christian where they were told these were actual truths.  It makes figuring out the way the world works that much harder.



  • Disability Post

    If there is something visibly different about you (as a disability often produces) it is incumbent upon you to put the room at ease with your difference some how. If you don’t, you will be rejected and ostracized. With Christianity this damage control needs to be done at a deeper level as well. Disability is one of the chinks on the armor of Evangelical Christianity because it’s a combination of the expression of the problem of evil which isn’t easy to ignore and the lack of autonomy and prosperity that gets you reviled in Conservative Christian contexts (just look at the Medicaid work requirement to see how these people think about our right to healthcare).

    If you follow the Evangelical Christian system it’s almost imperative that you objectify folks with disabilities and project your redemptive suffering narratives upon them because the alternative works like an armor-of-God piercing bullet through the faith. In this context Wheaton’s Faith and Disability initiative the way it is makes perfect sense. One of the reasons the younger generations are leaving the faith in droves is more of them have disabilities and mental illnesses and the canned answers coming from Christianity are falling flat.



  • poetry on the bride of Christ

    if i were an organ in the body of Christ
    it would be the appendix
    because i make the rest of the members of the body so uncomfortable
    they cut me right out

    when the church abdicates the responsibility to care for the poor
    and the government steps in and takes its place
    Christians are livid and try to cut that government programs
    while letting those affected by the cuts whither on the vine

    if God was close to the people nobody talked to in church
    they would be talked to in church

    at best, Christians would say
    suffering metabolizes personality into character
    well guess what,
    character doesn’t get you talked to at church

    People with disabilities are kryptonite for prayer
    We bring the total success score of the church’s prayers down

    whether you are treated well in church
    depends on whether you ADD TO God
    or SUBTRACT FROM him

    when the church, God, and the devil are all saying the same things to me
    i know all thr33 fuckers are lying
    (that’s why they don’t let me around 17 story ledges)

    the part of the body of Christ that usually holds the power
    is the asshole



  • The Supernatural

    it’s difficult to believe in the supernatural
    unless they’re going after you

    I believe our brain blocks out the supernatural the same way a neurotypical’s brain blocks out extraneous stimuli.  Of course this is offensive to philosophical materialists as well as Christians principally because I have a very negative view of the supernatural, it is like living on the street where predators notice you and will swarm.  This helps make sense of why mental illness was seen as direct action by the devil or his charges in premodern times.  Because when you are mentally ill the ability to filter out the supernatural breaks down so the worst of it are everywhere.  It also explains why demon possessed people had more insight on the supernatural like seeing Jesus as the son of God.  Of course I don’t think mental illness is demon possession, just that it makes you more vulnerable to negative spiritual forces.

    From a philosophical materialist’s perspective there is concrete evidence that mental illness makes one feel like they are experiencing supernatural forces.  That’s why I wrote the poem:

    shaving is just cutting yourself in a socially acceptable way
    just as religion is being crazy in a socially acceptable way



  • God’s Blessing / God’s Wrath

    From 2009 Xanga entry

    God’s blessing is never given by the cupful.  It is always given in more–the cup overflows.  When you are given the blessings of riches and success they always spill over (you find a significant other who benefits).  The whole social system benefits as you produce a net gain on the system.

    Conversely God’s wrath is never given by the cupful.  It is always given in more–the cup overflows.  Mental illness and disability drag the people around you down.  Someone stays single because you are forced out of the dating pool.  You are a net drain on the system, your needs being paid for by loved ones and/or the state.



  • poetry time!

    capitalism is an open air prison

    the thing modern psychology and religion hate the most
    is you owning your poor self image
    because this keeps you from renting it from them

    could signs and wonders be decoupled from revelation?
    Prophet Yaweh was able to call specks into the sky
    and he had a bunch of crazy UFO theories on God

    modern psychology likes to guilt those of us with disabilities
    who let our disability define us
    I say “how can’t it define me”
    my disability is the first thing people notice when they see me
    it’s the reason people won’t hire me
    it’s the reason I’m treated like shit in church
    and it’s the reason, in a room, people talk to everyon but me
    (the idea that you get to define you becomes hard to swallow
    when doing so means pushing back against literally EVERYTHING)

    people bemoan the lack of kindness in the world
    while not taking into account the fact that kindness
    and being a winner are often mutually exclusive
    because modern life is very competitive
    and you often have to play dirty to get ahead

    after your heart gets broken
    everything that should go there
    gets rerouted to your brain
    (which makes for a totally different person)

    depression puts your brain in Chinese handcuffs
    the harder you think
    the tighter they get

    hearts are like meat
    the more tender they are
    the more enjoyable they are to devour

    the lower you go
    the more your life resembles war
    your responsibility is to hold territory
    and the rest of the world’s responsibility is to hurt you for doing so

    call me infantile
    but I want my reward NOW
    I don’t trust later

    if the power of religion came from God
    and not belief
    it would sustain you
    even while you were losing your belief

    so let’s be clear
    if the hope God promises to give you never materializes
    you’re on the hook for the sin of despair?



  • nothing popping up

    you may feel you are facing an impossible situation, but the bible says, “God… is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of, infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires thoughts, or hopes.” Eph. 3:20 We are here to help you, help you help yoursel

    Sounds wonderful.  But what Christians tend to do is try to rope people in with these claims and then backpedal once people experience enough of the religion to realize it isn’t anything like it’s advertised.  A lot of people are good at selling to themselves the fact that the promises aren’t anything like the actual experience…  but some of us are so far gone we NEED God to act as advertised and when he doesn’t the consequences for us are dire.  When you get to the end of your rope you are at the end so can’t play the cognitive tricks needed to pretend “God” is there.  Of course people too invested will do damage control, find a silver lining, and romanticize the suffering for the sake of making them and others around them feel comfortable with it (nobody, regardless of religion, has the capacity to deal with senseless evil and chaos).

    It’s not my fault a personal God isn’t accessible but I get blamed for it.  It’s like one of those 3D popup books where you stare at visual noise and expect some figure to pop out at you.  You can live a lie and say you see the image but you can’t make that lie last.  God doesn’t exist in a way that is willing to be put to the test, which when times get lean you need entities in your life who are willing to be put to the test.  Not entities that you have to do damage control and make excuses for.



  • poetry on sin, the devil, and other things

    blasphemy is a boomerang
    it will come back to you!
    the blade
    on the edge of the boomerang
    is what you feel
    going through your neck

    the two sins you can commit in a bed
    fornication and despair

    some people get enough of the devil’s love
    to balance out God’s hatred of them
    unfortunately, both God and the devil hate me

    Christianity is a coefficient
    it multiplies good people’s goodness
    and multiplies wicked people’s wickedness

    D D D D D D D D D D Dd D D D D D D D D D D D
    D D D D D Dd D D D DD D D D D D Dd D D d D

    when you have hopelessness
    in front of your nose too long
    it gets behind your eyes

    the devil is a gentleman to those everyone else is a gentleman to
    fall further down and all his errs are off

    who is worse
    the devils
    or the church who turns away those with devils?

    Christians don’t understand
    if the devil can’t own your soul
    he can always rent it