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  • Category Archives Faith
  • Religious Addiction

    Ferkins and Gaspar were right. I have religious addiction. The only difference between religious addiction and salvation is whether there is something at the other end you are interacting with. An example if you are spending 8 hours a day on the internet but that time is spent working and making good money to provide for your household, that isn’t internet addiction. But if you are spending 8 hours a day on the internet watching video game commentary videos, that is.

    If there’s something at the other end, that’s a relationship. If there’s not it’s just stalking. The reason I suffer from religious addiction is because I was raised religious and I have nothing else. People who have things that give them meaning and value don’t usually suffer from this.

    We need to focus more on helping people build an image of God in their head that will make the function. With me that has gone totally awry.

    Take alcohol for example. For most people it is something that helps them unwind, have fun, and connect. But for people with mental illnesses it is often an addiction and causes them to be non compliant with their medication. To the casual drinker who enjoys the bar scene those of us who can’t handle alcohol seem strange and foreign. For me this is what religion is. The voice of God told me to do all kinds of crazy stuff like drink piss, date women out of my league, and kill myself. I was exposed to every toxic trope Evangelicalism had to offer like the idea that you will have photographic memory of your entire life as you burn in hell. Plus church people treat me like shit but that has more to do with disability and negative symptoms than the religion itself.



  • poetry from a place of resignation

    false hope is worse than no hope
    just as a cancer cell
    is worse than a dead cell

    the way people treat you
    isn’t a reflection of them selves
    it is a reflection
    of what they can get away with

    let people describe you
    by the way you take up space
    like spoonies
    who have a chronic condition
    and can’t give society all it demands

    one man’s miracle is another man’s tragedy
    (Evangelicals prayed for a Trump victory
    and the expense of those of us with disabilities)

    olfactory hallucinations are often popcorn
    and voices in your head are usually male
    and talk radio can drown out the voices for some people

    Christians and psychologists think you can make resentment disappear
    with a simple prayer, cognitive trick, or coping skill
    the truth is resentment is like nuclear waste
    it can’t be contained until it’s addressed
    and often fully ridding yourself of it is impossible

    on1 thing fo4 sure,
    GOD HAS GOTTEN A LOT
    B I G G E R
    IN THE LAST FOUR YEARS



  • Absence

    The most blasphemous things I write are about God’s absence. I sympathize with the Bible villains who shouted Jesus to come down off that cross. Some of it was mockery but some of it was sincere wanting God to show up and kick some ass. I really think it’s what we need now.. But I don’t possess the power or really much wisdom either.



  • Brain Power

    I’m starting to see why some people can be Christian while others can’t. I think a lot of it comes down to brain power. Brain power is something separate from intelligence, brain power is more about how you can organize your mind to get what you want out of it, intelligence is just how fast and expansive it works.

    I search old emails a lot and I remember my aunt who is a Christian therapist telling me in 2005 to play cognitive tricks where basically in the circumstances that weren’t totally bad I marked the things that weren’t total crap as God working. Something similar is going on in that popular praise and worship song “Waymaker” where they tell you to put your brain in sleep mode and pretend God is working even when you can’t see it or feel it. My problem with playing mental gymnastics is I am aware I’m playing them as I’m playing them so like a magic trick that I’m aware of the slight of hand going on so I don’t get the desired effect.

    People with a lot of brain power can tell their brains to do whatever they want and their brains obloge. It’s almost like they have really good software controlling their microprocessor. For example an iPhone will shut down their processor’s high powered cores to save battery life. For a person this might mean checking their brain at the door when they walk into a church. The ability to believe in the supernatural at one moment and then be perfectly sane at another is more of an accomplishment than you think. I could only believe in magic when I’m psychotic or close to psychotic.

    I think brain power is important in all kinds of other areas but religion is just the one I think about the most. When you don’t have much in this life you think about religion more because it’s shoved down your throat and you don’t have anything else going on.



  • some angry poetry

    God doesn’t “elect” most of us on the spectrum
    because he hates us just as much as everybody else does

    who’s more powerful than God?
    the people who own him!

    when people say looks can kill
    what they really mean is that bad looks can
    because looking bad is often a sure ticket to loneliness
    and loneliness is as bad for you as smoking

    being accepted by Christians
    involves reverse gaslighting
    getting them to think you are extra sane

    ever-ee time i contemplate suicide
    a CHURH IS THINKING OF MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

    my brain is a microcosm
    of a world without God

    the heart is like a pinata
    it makes itself beautiful
    with the unconscious aim
    of being broken open

    to most people you are a baseball card
    they are looking for your stats on the back
    or filling them in with their mind
    given what they see on the front

    i believe suffering is good
    it’s good for making you go on the government dole
    it’s good for making everyone but helping professionals
    stop talking to you
    it’s good for others who now have more access to life gems
    you were competing for (good jobs, mates)
    it’s good for stealing meaning from your life
    because the good things in your life like dignified work and relationships
    were the things that gave meaning, and are the very things suffering takes away
    it’s good for making all your conversations consist of emotional baggage
    so nobody wants to talk to you
    it’s good for alienating you because you no longer have common experience
    so you have nothing positive to say
    it’s good for making you invisible (at best)
    because you often have something visibly wrong with you
    that makes others feel uncomfortable

    no justice
    no peace
    no goodness
    no hope



  • The Isolation of Suffering

    I think one of the best arguments against the existence of a personal god is the fact that suffering is so isolating.

    God’s people dropping out of your life like flies. Me and many others on the bottom experience is that the people who claim to be closest to God are the ones that get the furthest away when things turn permanently worse. They do this all while parroting the romantic notion of suffering that things are going to go according to “God’s plan”. Well they’re not and you are part of the problem. Religious people will trot out their “free will” theodicy trump card when confronted with the problem of evil. But then they put it away when their free will is frustrating God’s supposed “perfect plan”.

    The fact that for a lot of us suffering turns us into much less of an everyman than more of one. One of the things those of privilege selling suffering say is that it will somehow connect you to a greater experience of humanity. While that happens for some lucky people for most of us suffering cuts us off from enriching people and activities we need to actually become what they claim suffering will make us become. I have noticed in my life that I’m not even empathetic to people who have gone through the same things as me (mental illness). This surprised me. I’m just stretched so thin myself I have nothing to give. Plus there is this thing with mental illness called negative symptoms which actually eat your personality away which flies in the face of anything positive coming out of suffering.

    The idea of drawing “meaning” out of suffering helps less people than you would think. Highly principled people may concoct backstories and astroturf the bad things in their life to things make sense in hindsight but that requires an expensive brain that can play good mental gymnastics. I want dignity and relationships, I don’t give a rip about meaning. Suffering actually robs my life of meaning because I found meaning in dignified work and relationships and what I suffer robs me of both.

    Experiences of God going AWOL. The part of your brain synthesizing “experiences of God” is likely to go down if you suffer enough. Part of this is suffering and skills to cope with it make you emotionally numb and religion (or whatever they are calling Christianity these days) largely transpires on the seat of the emotion. Nobody wants to admit this but the way it’s sold (especially in contemporary worship) is all about emotions. Anything that makes you emotionally stunted is going to torpedo your interaction with “God”. This is partially why so many people on the spectrum are non religious because we don’t have the emotional toolbox to interact with a god.

    The fact that a lot of us turn to the internet for refuge. When the world shuns you the internet raises you. Many forms of suffering like disability narrow people who will interact with you beyond reduced functionality mode to a subset of people which you find online. For example with me if someone doesn’t have a disability and/or mental illness the chance of a relationship happening is just about zero. Unfortunately for religion the internet is not a community friendly to religion partly because a lot of the people seeking refuge on it were already rejected by the church so they carry that with them. Also online interaction is not incarnational the same way real life interaction is so it’s less conducive to spreading religion.



  • Team Effort

    Religious people don’t like it that I don’t have any trust in God. They wouldn’t either if he had told them to drink piss, kill them selves, and date people out of their league. I have found that when I make my trust in God a team effort the truth really comes out. People (especially Christians) have dropped out of my life like flies and refused to come in showing me that they are incredibly skeptical about what God is doing in my life. Guess what, I am too!

    Don’t encourage faith with your words and then discourage it with your actions! Because I only listen to the latter.



  • Things That Point Toward Materialism Being True

    I’ve been over exposed to religion my entire life and I try to believe in all that stuff but it’s like an algebra problem you suspect you got wrong but you don’t know why you got it wrong or have the intelligence to derive the correct answer. Materialism is the idea that the world we can taste touch and see is all there is. Some reasons:

    The colossal failure of prophecy. I don’t care if it comes from a parishioner rolling in the aisles full of the Spirit or a wizard sacrificing a goat in the middle of a flaming pentagram, accurate prophecy from the Dream Team or the Mean Team would go a long way in convincing me that there was something beyond this existence. If someone the beginning of 2019 would have heard a word from the beyond that we need to make two billion N95 masks and they could make a killing doing so, that would have been great. What passes for prophecy is usually as vague as a horoscope. Like “you’re going to meet someone interesting today”.

    The lack of scientific evidence for the supernatural. If there were angels, demons, or ghosts it seems like it would end up on social media as most of us can whip out a camera from our pocket at a moment’s notice. We have elaborate scientific instruments to measure basically almost anything from gravity waves to subatomic particles. Incidents where the supernatural has been seen like with Prophet Yahweh seem to point to certain actors able to leverage glitches in the simulation rather than a world whose rules are governed by what our major religions tell us.

    The fact that suffering is so incredibly isolating. The problem of evil is correctly on every atheist’s checklist but I think just is big of a problem is people’s orientation towards those who suffer. As a hedge against the idea of chaos and senseless evil Christians try to concoct a redemptive narrative around suffering and pain. Unfortunately this ends up backfiring on them because in order to keep this narrative intact they have to cut anyone out of their lives whose narrative doesn’t end up redemptive, proving that this narrative was a lie all along (just like in quantum mechanics you can’t measure without modifying). When tragic things have happened in my life the people who believed in “God’s plan” were the first to exit. During this time of plague it’s becoming increasingly clear that the people romanticizing suffering and the ones doing the actual suffering are worlds apart. Poverty in the best of times causes incredible isolation (especially as people get past 45) and now Coronavirus is killing these older poor people which is heartbreaking.

    The fact the people on the spectrum are generally not religious. I have stated that the brain has to do a lot of heavy lifting to get religion working through/for you. The same social skills one needs to interact successfully with people are needed to interact successfully with a deity. And just like we do communicating wrong (according to society) we are even gaslit for our expressions of religiosity. When I was Christian I had this crazy theory about the color orange being really redemptive and that got pretty laughed out of the room. God is sold as being near those on the margins (as most autistics are) but our experience bears the opposite, not being able to build an image of God in our head that helps us function or being able to be accepted in a community of believers. Granted not every autistic’s experience is this but I’d say a majority are and mine definitely has been.

    The observation that the content of Near Death Experiences are more a measure of the person’s mental health than anything else. People pushing the supernatural generally point to Near Death Experiences as proof that there is a heaven. What evidence they don’t admit is there are also hell NDE’s and these are pretty arbitrary, not contingent on people’s virtue or religiosity. The fact that that when they did a study on people’s reaction to shrooms they screened out those with bipolar and schizophrenia is telling. People who believe in the supernatural want us to believe these experiences are more than our brain’s regions communicating with each other differently.



  • Competitive Praying

    One thing they left out of the Book of Common Prayer is that in order for many of your prayers to work they have to be uncommon, they have to beat out all the others’ prayers for the same thing.  For example if you are vying for that good house or that job with a living wage, you are competing with many other people.  Your prayer needs to work better than theirs.  Obviously this gets left out in religious literature since religion was created by people on the top who would win at anything they competed for by virtue of being on top.



  • Pleasantry Delusions

    One of the things I dislike the most about Christianity is that it says the pleasantry delusions are actually real.  Everybody knows pleasantry delusions are just delusions or noble lies, nothing more.  For example people don’t have innate worth (as those of us on the spectrum experience daily as we are on the bottom).  Or the idea that virtue is more important than power.  People on the spectrum don’t have the social acumen to see through these pleasantry delusions, particularly when raised Christian where they were told these were actual truths.  It makes figuring out the way the world works that much harder.