navigating a world which feels like gravity is working in reverse

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  • Noble Lies

    One of the issues with those on the spectrum (including myself) is taking society’s noble lies at face value.  This has been a cause of consternation in my life.

    One of the noble lies I believed was that friendships would last forever (in some capacity) if both parties were close enough at a certain point in their life.  Of course I lost my closest friend from college to low status-itus.  I could have saved myself a lot of grief if someone had gotten it through my skull that most of the idealistic things people say are aspirational rather than actual.  Noble lies are a way for a culture to save face while not changing things structurally in any meaningful way.

    For example the idea you have innate worth.  Pretty people didn’t like the idea that they were just getting by on their looks so they invented the idea that everyone had worth regardless of looks.  Of course if a noble lie is true for you (you happen to be pretty) then it is easy to believe and transmit.  But when you are on the bottom (like a good portion of those on the spectrum are) all the noble lies are definitely lies.  You must keep frame of reference in mind because a noble lie is often true to the person telling it so they are behaving in a rational manner.

    The bullshit of noble lies are like bacteria in your gut, some is needed to digest everything else.  However those of us on the spectrum need extra help teasing out aspirational beliefs from the ones that actually hold true.



  • poetry, more

    when God created a person with a disability
    he stamped “I hate you” into their very being
    so it’s no mystery that Christians’ politics
    are so turned against those of us with disabilities

    almost everything positive everyone believes is a noble lie
    and how high you are in society
    determines whether these lies work in your favor
    (for example the idea people have innate worth
    works well for pretty people because they would rather believe
    it than the truth that they are just getting by on their looks)

    noble lies are usually true for the speaker
    and false for the recipient

    Christians seem to think suffering is redemptive
    well it can be
    just like the lottery can be won
    but crowing about either
    does not make them happen any more often

    I asked God for help
    but I wasn’t there
    synthesizing him being there
    so I never got any

    some people whose brains end up all over the wall
    just had trouble fitting a whole church in their brain
    those people sniveling and rejecting
    telling them they were going to burn if they disagreed and felt different
    blaming them for not seeing what they were told to

    the God head has levers his people get to control!
    that make him open and shut his mouth and romp around the earth
    so what are you waiting for?
    get up into that mech!
    (The supporters of Trump
    made the jump into JESUS!!!!)

    waiting is our daily taste of death



  • The Supernatural

    it’s difficult to believe in the supernatural
    unless they’re going after you

    I believe our brain blocks out the supernatural the same way a neurotypical’s brain blocks out extraneous stimuli.  Of course this is offensive to philosophical materialists as well as Christians principally because I have a very negative view of the supernatural, it is like living on the street where predators notice you and will swarm.  This helps make sense of why mental illness was seen as direct action by the devil or his charges in premodern times.  Because when you are mentally ill the ability to filter out the supernatural breaks down so the worst of it are everywhere.  It also explains why demon possessed people had more insight on the supernatural like seeing Jesus as the son of God.  Of course I don’t think mental illness is demon possession, just that it makes you more vulnerable to negative spiritual forces.

    From a philosophical materialist’s perspective there is concrete evidence that mental illness makes one feel like they are experiencing supernatural forces.  That’s why I wrote the poem:

    shaving is just cutting yourself in a socially acceptable way
    just as religion is being crazy in a socially acceptable way



  • ideation

    Great article on suicidal ideation.

    At 27, I’ve settled into a comfortable coexistence with my suicidality. We’ve made peace, or at least a temporary accord negotiated by therapy and medication. It’s still hard sometimes, but not as hard as you might think. What makes it harder is being unable to talk about it freely: the weightiness of the confession, the impossibility of explaining that it both is and isn’t as serious as it sounds. I don’t always want to be alive. Yes, I mean it. No, you shouldn’t be afraid for me. No, I’m not in danger of killing myself right now. Yes, I really mean it.



  • Fight or Flight

    Great post on fight or flight from The Realistic Autistic:

    This reminded me of a theory I read years ago regarding deer, humans, and human society. Deer have two modes: calm and upset. They mainly live in calm, unless predators or some kind of threat occurs. At which point they switch to upset, and fight or flight their way through the situation until they’re out of it. After which they switch back to calm.

    Humans used to work similarly. When threats occurred, we fight/flighted to deal with them and then returned to being calm. The theory goes that as human society developed, we also developed things that register as a threat but can’t be dealt with appropriately using fight/flight. Money problems and angry bosses at work, for example. These situations put us into fight or flight mode, but because they can’t be dealt with so simply, we can get stuck in fight/flight instead of returning to calm.

    The theory posits that this is part of where depression and anxiety come from, and possibly other forms of mental illness as well. Heart disease, poor sleep, and other physical symptoms follow as well. Living “on edge” all the time has costs to your mental and emotional health, after all.



  • God’s Blessing / God’s Wrath

    From 2009 Xanga entry

    God’s blessing is never given by the cupful.  It is always given in more–the cup overflows.  When you are given the blessings of riches and success they always spill over (you find a significant other who benefits).  The whole social system benefits as you produce a net gain on the system.

    Conversely God’s wrath is never given by the cupful.  It is always given in more–the cup overflows.  Mental illness and disability drag the people around you down.  Someone stays single because you are forced out of the dating pool.  You are a net drain on the system, your needs being paid for by loved ones and/or the state.



  • Repeated Albums

    These are the two albums I listen to over and over again.

    Durufle Requiem (Robert Shaw Atlanta SO version) – some of the best classical choral arrangements, there is so much going on that it keeps things fresh.

    A Hidden Wholeness by Luke Brindley – This is an album for orphaned believers if there ever was one.  You really have to pay attention to the lyrics to get the full effect of this album.  A Christian site gave it a good review.  It’s not a Christian album, it’s not a non Christian album, it’s kind of somewhere in the nether regions between the two.  Ultimately it’s about struggling through life without giving up hope, something I do not practice in my own life.



  • poetry time!

    capitalism is an open air prison

    the thing modern psychology and religion hate the most
    is you owning your poor self image
    because this keeps you from renting it from them

    could signs and wonders be decoupled from revelation?
    Prophet Yaweh was able to call specks into the sky
    and he had a bunch of crazy UFO theories on God

    modern psychology likes to guilt those of us with disabilities
    who let our disability define us
    I say “how can’t it define me”
    my disability is the first thing people notice when they see me
    it’s the reason people won’t hire me
    it’s the reason I’m treated like shit in church
    and it’s the reason, in a room, people talk to everyon but me
    (the idea that you get to define you becomes hard to swallow
    when doing so means pushing back against literally EVERYTHING)

    people bemoan the lack of kindness in the world
    while not taking into account the fact that kindness
    and being a winner are often mutually exclusive
    because modern life is very competitive
    and you often have to play dirty to get ahead

    after your heart gets broken
    everything that should go there
    gets rerouted to your brain
    (which makes for a totally different person)

    depression puts your brain in Chinese handcuffs
    the harder you think
    the tighter they get

    hearts are like meat
    the more tender they are
    the more enjoyable they are to devour

    the lower you go
    the more your life resembles war
    your responsibility is to hold territory
    and the rest of the world’s responsibility is to hurt you for doing so

    call me infantile
    but I want my reward NOW
    I don’t trust later

    if the power of religion came from God
    and not belief
    it would sustain you
    even while you were losing your belief

    so let’s be clear
    if the hope God promises to give you never materializes
    you’re on the hook for the sin of despair?



  • Taking On a New Thing

    People tell you to improve your life you need to take on a new thing be it a job, a medication, volunteering, or something else.  What they fail to tell you is if you are on the bottom it is very difficult to impossible to actually quit that new thing you tried.  This is because if you are on the bottom you generally don’t have much control over your life, your handlers have control of it.  It’s like the cars that had their accelerators suck.

    I want to quit my job and my volunteering but I can’t.  I would not have started volunteering if I had known I didn’t have the option to quit.  But when you try things people assure you that you can quit them.  This is a lie, they know if they told you the truth, that you couldn’t quit, you wouldn’t try anything.  So they lie.