navigating a world which feels like gravity is working in reverse

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  • these are fighting words of the defeated

    I was writing a friend about how what happened in my worst traumas sticks with me. The trauma itself obviously does but what the results of your gasping for something factor in as well. I found out after an incident where I thought my dad was going to kill me when I was 16 that the image of God I had built in my head was completely AWOL. When things are at their absolute worst what is is goes right out the window, only what is actually experienced in the moment matters. This is hard for people who haven’t suffered deeply to get their head around. Religion didn’t help me when I needed it to then, it didn’t when I had eye problems in 2002, and it doesn’t now even though it is shoved down my throat.

    One of the things those selling suffering tell you is it will turn you into more of an everyman. Maybe it’s true for some and especially for those who get past the gatekeepers of being published (and the act of being published in and of itself means you almost certainly watered down your experience to appease someone who suffered less than you) but it isn’t for me. The simple answer is that negative symptoms have eaten a lot of parts of myself away. And while that explains some of it it doesn’t explain all of it. People are whole in a single way but are broken in manifold ways. You’d think because of skyrocketing depression rates that people would be able to be attuned to each others worlds but a lot of the time it isn’t the case. People are islands experiencing their own individual hells and the modern psychology sanctioned hyper individualism (exacerbated by COVID) isn’t helping things any. Part of mitigating depression is just being with people and having common experiences with them (so you have things to talk and joke about). Otherwise our lives remain fragmented and balkanized. My experiences are so alien to even my closest friends and family that a lot of times I’m just talking past them. Losing friends means I live in my head that much more and this drives me further and further away from people. Obviously a good portion of the reason people scorn me is I don’t have the “life gems” like good jobs, nice houses, fancy degrees, nice cars, etc.. but that doesn’t explain all of it.

    One of the things I have noticed recently is people don’t like it when you call them a liar. They especially don’t like it when you let your life speak and it calls them a liar. Just having a visible disability means that every interaction with the abled world is seen as an incursion and every interaction makes people question their false notion that people have innate worth as they judge me as worthless.

  • Intersectionality is thorny

    Intersectionality is thorny in ways that both sides of the conservative/liberal divide don’t appreciate. Intersectionality refers to the idea that when someone is a member of more than one marginalized group their experience is a singularity to people who only belong to one of said groups. The analogy of a street intersection is used. If someone is both black and disabled they can get hit via either street but they wouldn’t necessarily ascertain whether it was one or other or a combination of both. The point is that like medical comorbidities, belonging to more than one marginalized groups adds up to more than the sum of its parts.

    I am someone with both a physical disability and mental illness and the two have added up to more than the sum of their parts because if just one part of you is broken then you lean heavily on the parts of you that are still whole. But if more parts are you can’t do this, for example with me being a social mentally ill social moth needing company my physical disability makes it so I can’t drive to force myself on people to befriend.

    What makes intersectionality more thorny than either side of the divide will admit is the fact that every way someone is has advantages and disadvantages similar to chemical compounds interacting where they can produce novel reactions. Case in point the black male. Maleness is no gravy train even if you’re white but what muddies the waters is the fact that the males feminists focus on as the patriarchy are the top 20% of men. If you just take those and ignore everyone else then yeah men are doing great. However when you start looking further down, particularly at the bottom 50% of males, a darker picture emerges. Males in this cohort of every race suffer because the three things that hit men harder are poverty, not having a father or father figure, and inability to control their anger. Now imagine being a black male, adding racism, Jim Crow, and police brutality to all of this. The intersectionality of blackness and maleness actually becomes worse than the sum of its parts because the parts of maleness that manifest themselves in men further down actually hurt them and this is amplified by the fact that aggression is actually punished more severely if you’re black not to mention the bias in the legal system.

    A female walking through a store will be be ignored, a poor white male will be watched while a black male may be accosted. Anti male and anti black bias come together in multiple to make things worse. Women of all races get treated much better than men in the legal system (though it’s the worst for black men).

    It’s politically incorrect to be a men’s rights activist but I think this angle can help us understand racism better.

  • Yup…. more poetry

    if kindness truly mattered
    men on dating sites would lie about their character more often
    than their height and income

    God is gravity
    dispense with him
    and you will have to find which direction “up” is

    the difference between a deep conversation and venting
    is your level relative to the other person you’re engaging

    i have a photographic memory for embarrassing incidents
    because a lot of them explain
    why i’m no longer in the picture

    it’s rude for Christian friends I was close to ghosting me
    but it’s also rude for me to live a life
    that screams “everything you believe is a lie”

    my soul is so small
    it doesn’t have space for all the sadness
    so I compress it and store it as anger

    taking an ssri anti depressant is like lighting a match on the john
    it keeps you from smelling the shit you keep taking from assholes

    forgiveness is nice
    but the people who end up doing it
    are almost always on the bottom
    to the negative 490’th power

    disability is a Christ buster
    just letting your life speak
    living an unvarnished disability existence
    is enough to make Christians’ brains do a backflip

    the quality of information you receive
    is commensurate with your place in society
    (that’s why a social worker at the indigent clinic
    will tell you email reply time isn’t indicitive of someone’s concern for you
    but the CEO of Google will say the opposite)

    my brain works scientifically by default
    if you want it to work any other way
    you have to get me to play a cognitive trick
    which i have to be unaware i’m playing
    lest it be torn apart

    most of therapy’s tools only work
    when you have extricated yourself from an abusive situation
    just like a hammer can nail new boards together
    but can’t make anything out of a pile of rubble

    abusers are like gas giants
    their gravity’s so strong you get sucked in
    and your ability to escape
    is inversely proportional to how near you are to them
    they bend everything in the solar system around them
    and even things far away like portentous comets
    are flung with their tug

    life is mostly drudgery
    not being treated like shit is what makes it worth living
    and there is a lot less of that happening
    if you happen to have a disability

    once you can’t trust yourself
    you can’t trust God
    because trusting God necessitates
    being able to trust yourself

  • Speech

    I sat through a rather boring Biden address and I couldn’t be happier. Boring is good, it means things are trending back to normal. The stimulus was basically throwing money everywhere which I think was needed even if people on the right didn’t think so. I also think the child poverty alleviation measure in it was the most important part of the bill. Imagine how much better mental health children will have when their parents aren’t worrying about their next meal.

    I’m actually super grateful the left took power even as I don’t agree with a lot of their worldview. They believe in healthcare which to me is an obvious thing to believe in but people on the right don’t think so for some odd reason.

  • you didn’t ask for more poetry and we delivered!

    calibrate your hate!!!!
    the protestant Vatican hates those of us with disabilities
    that is why they are speaking over us
    to shore up the narrative
    because left unvarnished
    disability works like an armor of God piercing bullet
    through the faith

    more than we are led to believe
    is a zero sum game between self and other
    it’s the volume dial on your stereo
    the louder it goes the more pleasure you get
    at the expense of the people downstairs
    who tell you to turn it down

    the less market value you possess
    the harder socializing is
    because you don’t possess the life gems
    like houses, good jobs, and SO’s
    that are fodder for polite conversation
    so you are invisible

    we can determine where a black hole is
    by observing the stars that disappear into it
    just like we can determine the fallout of a confidence
    by the drawing away that often happens afterwards

    i wish i could take a mental health day
    where my brain takes a vacation from self-thinking
    (I think that’s why people like me
    are usually hooked on drugs and alcohol)

    my heart burns like the grassland
    my mind burns like the forest
    my soul burns like the swamp


    let the sky do its thing

    we are all finger puppets on God’s hand

    what do i say to the wolf?

    the sinner and the sin like the conjoined twins
    (not separating)

    i want to kill myself almost as much as God does

    all i care about is the way i feel

    it’s better not to know

    i study poison for a living (psychology)

    no time to lick your wounds

    baby there’s no way out

    life is larger than me

    knowing tomorrow is going to be worse

  • you didn’t want more poetry… but that’s what you’re getting!

    it’s going to take me four years to recover from a Trump presidency
    which is the time we’re being given a break
    between his two terms in office

    when Trump was acquitted
    God was aSTARTED
    heeez ready to make some head-way

    the more sparingly you meet out validation
    the more people take stock in it
    when it is given

    statisticians are trying to tell us
    young people are dying of suicide
    but in reality
    they’re dying of an allergic reaction
    to septic late stage capitalism

    the thing you can take away from people
    that will do the most long term harm
    is hope

    do Christians and Muslems worship the same god
    **checkes if they hate gays**
    yeah they do

    it’s up to us
    to determine if we will will do the work
    to be virtuous enough
    to produce a world
    that actually becomes worth living in

    being an un person
    is like a fire that is starved of oxygen
    (neither your belief or disbelief in a god
    ignites anything positive)

    remember, when judging whether religion is helpful
    you only see what that person’s religiosity does for you
    not what it does to them

    God told me to kill myself, drink piss, and date a woman out of my league
    so far i’ve only done the middle one
    but the first one is much more likely to happen
    than the last

    i think like Satan
    just tear shit apart
    without even the awareness of mercy

  • Poetry Old and New

    like the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
    has DON’T PANIC printed on front
    the Bible should have
    printed on the front

    sanity is a spectrum
    some times it’s better to be on one side
    or the other
    than aimlessly bouncing around the middle

    what religion boils down to
    is a way to get people to believe
    the best is always yet to come

    if you are perfectly atomized
    following all of Jesus’ teachings
    will make you miserable
    while following all of Satan’s
    will have you feeling great

    just as a quantum particle is changed
    by you measuring it
    a person is changed
    by you labeling them

    i’m a piece of shit
    but i’m not allowed to believe it
    (((i’m not allowed to bounce my thoughts off their thoughts)))

    remember i am a sopping wet sacrifice turning into a
    putrid rotting carcass while you are told to wait and hope
    (15 years and only got one janitor job i didn’t take because i thought i could do better)

    tying desperately needed moral teaching
    to superstition
    was nailing the life boat
    to the main ship

    I tried to cash out my faith
    they looked at me funny and said there was a penalty for early withdrawal
    and they wouldn’t let me see the balance
    faith was like one of those quantum particles that disappears upon observation

    I am an unperson
    I am a constellation of thoughts, drives, and emotions
    with no center
    I don’t hold grudges, grudges hold me
    I don’t think, my thoughts think themselves

    (sadness due to individual as well as collective situations)
    remember that love is like quantum entanglement
    it means a part of your heart will break
    from something that could be happening
    thousands of miles away

  • it wasn’t worth it

    people say the pain of the process will make sense in the end
    but kneading and baking are only worth it if the bread doesn’t burn

    As I write this some people are trying to concoct some kind of redemptive narrative on how the last four years of Trump made us better somehow. Some people paid the ultimate price for his ineptitude with COVID with their lives. Others’ mental health was reduced. I’m a mess. Two of my smartest friends are engaging Q Anon, one as a believer while the other as a vocal critic. In 2016 I had hope that this could be turned around but now, even with more Democrats in power I do not. I think we passed a tipping point where both the radical left and radical right have come to believe the game has already been lost. Fatalism is the most powerful way to be powerless. And people on both ends of the political spectrum are gaining numbers while the middle is being hollowed out.

    I didn’t suffer so much directly from Trump despite a couple brushes with losing my healthcare. But I think sometimes what you lose in the suffering is worse than the hurt of the suffering itself. Society is more toxic than ever. Families are torn apart. Feminism is attacked, hurting women, and its backlash hurts men. Let me tell you, it has felt like eight years, not four. So maybe Trump slowed time down so much that he packed eight years worth of misery into four.

  • recent poetry

    the only reason something is real
    is because someone who can hurt you says it is

    waiting is the worst pastime
    because the time doesn’t pass!

    you can be evil, you can burn goodness
    and be warmed by the light of it going up in flames
    but once it’s all gone
    you have neither shelter nor warmth

    a weakness of the self-esteem movement:
    if you are on the bottom
    then the negative thoughts about yourself are dead on accurate
    (especially if you are a male
    as being on the bottom keeps you from both friends and mating)

    it’s easy to tell who the oppressor is
    because they will be angry at you
    for seeing yourself as the victim

  • …and that changes everything

    As you know I am someone with a physical disability (moderate visual impairment with weird-looking glasses) and a mental illness (bipolar 1).  I think a physical disability plus a mental illness adds up to more than the sum of its parts.  At least it has in my life.

    • In all my communications with people I start out with negativity right off the bat because of my thick glasses.  In every relationship it’s like I am making the first golf shot from a sand trap!
    • Because of my visual impairment I cannot drive.  I cannot go to people’s houses and force myself on them.  Because of my physical disability and mental illness I’m almost always the needier party in the relationship and as such is the one initiating.  This keeps me from initiating.
    • Because of my mental illness I don’t have the inner strength to shrug off the negativity from and live above my physical disability.
    • Because of my physical disability I’ve been rejected for jobs I was qualified and now have so many gaps in my resume I am unemployable
    • Because of the way I’m treated on account of my disabilities it is impossible for me to believe I have innate worth–there just isn’t any evidence to back it up!  Non-disabled people are often treated better so they find it easier to believe this lie.

    May I ask, how many successful people do you know or have even heard of who have both a physical disability (particularly a visible physical disability) and a mental illness. You hear countless stories of people rising above their physical disabilities and becoming something and you often hear of people with mental illnesses who can function. But have you ever heard of someone with both make anything of their life? I haven’t!