navigating a world which feels like gravity is working in reverse

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  • Jesus

    People (at least Christians) say Jesus being God is good.  All I say is when you claim to be God you own all the baggage associated with him.  Why would you want that.  So I’m supposed to believe Jesus told me all the crazy shit God did.  I know Christians go out of their way to present other parts of the trinity as softer and more loving than God but if you are claiming they’re God then they inherit all the baggage God is associated with.  You can’t have your cake and eat it too.



  • freedom

    the one with the most power
    is not the one who makes the decision for you
    but the one who forces you to choose in the first place

    People don’t understand what freedom is.  They equate freedom with having the widest array of choices.  But what they fail to grasp is the people in power and society in general are the ones forcing them to make choices in the first place.  For example these anonymous apps like Sarahah which are detrimental to those further down.  Once your peer group starts getting into the app you are pressured to get into getting it too.  You have already lost.  When I was growing up we didn’t have to make the choice whether to join this app so we had more freedom even if to the untrained eye it seemed like we had less.  Freedom is also expressed in the choices you didn’t have to make.



  • Christianity takes…

    Intuition: What is this intuition you speak of?  My intuition is as good as the foam package it came in.  Over and over trusting people, including good friends and just getting my head handed to me.  And of course in social situations being awkward as heck.  I don’t think a lot of people on the spectrum have intuition, I think intuition is largely an NT thing.  Intuition being the ability to size up a situation at a moment’s notice.  I don’t think the autistic brain works that way, at least mine doesn’t.  Christianity takes intuition because so much of “God’s guidance” is just what non religious people would call trusting your gut.  If you are like me and “trusting your gut” has gotten you no where then your faith is going to suffer (as mine did).

    Imagination: Atheists say God is imaginary.  They have a point.  Engaging a god takes a robust imagination which modern life with all its instant entertainment screens works against.  The way church services are designed is to point to a world beyond the one we see here, but without imagination all one sees are the props.  Loss of make believe makes one worse off faith wise than almost any other loss.  Additionally the loss of prophetic imagination leaves one unable to picture a world better than the one one finds them self in.  A lot of the good in Christianity has come about by people imagining a better world and fighting toward that end.  Without imagination it’s harder to fight because the reward is not in front of your face (like how the rest of modern life works).

    Patience: I always thought that if Jesus could make things go faster, the church would be packed with millennials.  Fast is expected of us and we need a higher power that can make things go faster.  In modern life waiting is almost always a negative and a sign that you are on the wrong side of an imbalance of power (for example waiting for someone late at a party).  There is also the issue that often things come either instantly or not at all because there is not much trust in the system.  Wait implies hope and trust.  Christianity asks one to trust and wait on God.  These things are counter cultural. People (including church people) are looking for results in your life right now, not in “the fullness of time”.

    Attention: We are distracted by all our screens and other things.  But Christianity is like a hard to read book, it demands our full attention.  But often we don’t have full attention to give to anyone or anything.  Additionally faith is communal property and authentic relationships require people paying their full bandwidth of attention to each other.  That means putting the smart phone down and being present in conversations and tasks.

    Social Skills: The same social skills needed to navigate through life are needed to conduct conversations with a deity.  This puts people on the spectrum at a severe disadvantage because often talking to God is just seen as talking to ourselves (which a lot of us do).  Also to get accepted in a church one needs a certain amount of social skills, sometimes even more so than the secular world.



  • God, one or three

    If you want to know me you should read this article on a programmer that believes God is instructing him on how to build and operating system.

    The article rings true because I fit the profile pretty well.  Someone who is a programmer, is mentally ill, and has had a psychotic break where I have transcribed what I believed was direct communication from God to a web page.

    The experience of receiving a direct communication from God is entropic.  You have a few options:

    1. You can choose to believe it and keep believing successive communications from God (while staying psychotic) like this man in the article
    2. You can attempt to write off the communications and try to re establish communication with God while sane.  The problem with this is once the revelations you had from God while psychotic are found to be frauds you have to actually have a kind of apostasy where your that world of revelations is blown to bits.  There is also the problem that compared to the way people say God’s revelations come (a “still small voice”) your direct revelations from God while psychotic seem so much more real.  There is also the problem that mental illness messes with your intuition, your mind is so loud the “still small voice” no longer is even audible.
    3. You can believe all communications with God are just going on in people’s heads.  The more I see inside myself and the world the more I realize the whole concept of a god that communicates with people is a lie.  There may be a god but he doesn’t communicate directly with people the way religious people claim he does.  Communication with God is heavily mediated by the brain so naturally if one is mentally ill the communications with God are going to be destructive.  It’s a no no in religious circles to say things like, “your mind is what the brain does” but my and many other’s lived experience bares this out.

    Which brings me full circle, after a psychotic break you can only choose option 1 or option 3.  Technically you can try to choose option two like I did but as your brain gets worse at doing the leg work of simulating interaction with a personal god you will drift off into option one or three.



  • my disorder

    A poem from Brooklyn at open mic last night:

    A public service announcement:
    My disorder does not have an off switch.
    My disorder is a living thing.
    My disorder is a puppeteer
    Sitting in my skull,
    Pulling strings,
    And fucking with my thoughts.

    My disorder is a coward.
    She hides behind a mask of her own making.
    It slides across my face like prison bars,
    Closing me in,
    Pushing you out.

    My disorder is a siren.
    She swims in waters of loathing,
    And comes to the surface to croon tunes in the key of deceit
    Their melodies so sweet,
    That I am drawn into her lies.

    My disorder and I are alone.
    We stand in a storm,
    Waiting forever for the eye.
    Fog rolls between drops of rain and tears,
    And hides hands of help.
    To see is to believe,
    And we are blinded by lightning strikes.

    My disorder and I are an artist
    We take beauty from panic,
    Pull poetry out of pain,
    Weave tapestries of words to hang upon the walls of this broken home—
    This broken brain.
    We lavish in the things that are really killing me.

    I’ve forgotten how to trust anything but my disorder.
    I’ve forgotten the notes to every happy song I have ever known.
    I’ve forgotten the difference between manic and ecstatic.
    I’ve forgotten what happy feels like.

    I can’t hear,
    I can’t hear their kind words.
    I can’t feel,
    I can’t feel their outstretched hands.
    I can’t see,
    I can’t see their concern.
    I can’t believe,
    I can’t believe that they care.
    Even if they do.
    Even if they are.
    Even if they’re there.
    Even if they scream.

    My disorder does not have an off switch.
    No.
    She is alive.
    And she is a bitch.

    By Brooklyn 



  • Forgiveness is an NT construct

    Forgiveness is like the horizon.  Everyone says it exists but you can never get there.  Forgiveness is like lotto winnings.  I remember being at a gas station and there was a LED ticker denoting winnings in towns around us.  And we hear about the big wins in the news.  What this sets up is we think lotto winnings happen more than they actually do.  The same goes for forgiveness.  We are taught from the cradle that it exists and, especially with Christian upbringing, read and hear about it all the time.  So it makes it seem like it happens a lot more than it actually does.  Which is bad because we think we can wrong and be forgiven when this is usually a lie.

    As for me people have done things to me that have ruined my life and I don’t have the capacity to forgive, I can treat them cordially but I can’t change my emotions around what happened.  Of course therapists would want to guilt me for not being able to let go, because guilt is like the jackhammer you pull out when none of your other manipulative tools have worked.  You wrong me, the wrong stays in my muscle memory for future dealings with you.  You can label me bitter and angry (which implies I am culpable for my emotions which I have little to no control over).

    For the NT world I would offer the advice, “don’t fetishize and romanticize forgiveness and pretend it happens more than it actually does”.  I have found (particularly looking at my brother’s divorce) that the words you say are either water off their back or mercury in the blood (remaining in them indefinitely).  Everyone opines about forgiveness but, especially for people struggling with depression, damage of words and actions is often permanent (because people struggling with depression often don’t have control what pops and remains in their mind so your wrong’s effect is amplified).

    Also stop demonizing people like me who say forgiveness is a farce.  Because more often than not, it is.



  • faith hope tv

    I think the switch over from analog to digital TV over the air signals is a good analogy for the way different people operate in relation to faith.  Some people can have an incomplete percentage of faith in God and still derive some hope out of it.  Others, like me, can not.  This is similar to how in the analog days one could, with a decent fractional percentage of signal, get a serviceable though imperfect picture.  In the digital days, not so much, it’s either 100% or nothing.



  • life

    In a calculus proof the outcome is subject to the laws of mathematics.  Christianity is not like that.  Whether Christianity is true is itself incarnational.   The only way you show it to be true or false is the way you live your life.  This is why youth directors and even the Jars of Clay are dead on people listening to Nine Inch Nails.  Because Trent Reznor is such a powerful voice who earnestly sought God and found nothing.  This is why his first two albums are the ones Christians like the least.  Pretty Hate Machine in particular is all about apostasy.

    As for me I have earnestly sought God and found nothing.  And gotten handily rejected by the church.  And I am a pretty virtuous person.  People on the spectrum have much higher rates of non religiosity than the general population.  We don’t have the capacity to concoct God!  The fact that God could just be all in your head is an affront to Christians.  But if Christianity were really true wouldn’t the people who couldn’t concoct God be the ones that found him the most easily instead of the least easily?

    As I have gotten older I’ve lost the parts of myself I would need to exist to be faith filled.  That doesn’t mean God doesn’t talk to me, it’s just that the conversations normally revolve around wanting me to commit suicide.



  • humanism wasted on humans

    And the Gentiles shall come to thy light, and kings to the brightness of thy rising.  – Isaiah 60:3

    We should all be grateful for humanism and Judaeo-Christian influence for bringing it about.  I think it did have a positive effect on rulers.  While a lot of rulers don’t profess Christianity they still rule with humanism in mind.

    I emailed someone who is pretty high up in the religious and political landscape and he agreed with me that Trump was not a humanist.  That scares me much more than whether he professed Christianity or not.  We were so used to humanism it became like an appliance that you don’t think about when it’s working.  You only think about your washing machine when it starts breaking down.  Now people are starting to think about humanism again after what they repeatedly see in the news cycle.

    The irony is not lost on me that evangelical Christians elected the first non humanistic president in the nation’s history.