navigating a world which feels like gravity is working in reverse

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  • poetry on the bride of Christ

    if i were an organ in the body of Christ
    it would be the appendix
    because i make the rest of the members of the body so uncomfortable
    they cut me right out

    when the church abdicates the responsibility to care for the poor
    and the government steps in and takes its place
    Christians are livid and try to cut that government programs
    while letting those affected by the cuts whither on the vine

    if God was close to the people nobody talked to in church
    they would be talked to in church

    at best, Christians would say
    suffering metabolizes personality into character
    well guess what,
    character doesn’t get you talked to at church

    People with disabilities are kryptonite for prayer
    We bring the total success score of the church’s prayers down

    whether you are treated well in church
    depends on whether you ADD TO God
    or SUBTRACT FROM him

    when the church, God, and the devil are all saying the same things to me
    i know all thr33 fuckers are lying
    (that’s why they don’t let me around 17 story ledges)

    the part of the body of Christ that usually holds the power
    is the asshole



  • 6 Harsh Truths

    One of the best summaries of conservationism I have ever read:

    Oh, wait, did I forget to mention that part? Yeah, whatever you try to build or create — be it a poem, or a new skill, or a new relationship — you will find yourself immediately surrounded by non-creators who trash it. Maybe not to your face, but they’ll do it. Your drunk friends do not want you to get sober. Your fat friends do not want you to start a fitness regimen. Your jobless friends do not want to see you embark on a career.

    Well I’m screwed.  Thank you very much.  Because of a visible physical disability as well as invisible ones my main avenue for showing my virtuosity is independent projects.  Once I was promoting my Bible project and the people on the site tore me a new one.



  • holding territory

    the lower you go
    the more your life resembles war
    your responsibility is to hold territory
    and the rest of the world’s responsibility is to hurt you for doing so

    I was meditating on this poem and thinking about how the more disabilities you have the worse you get treated.  This isn’t just because you look different and don’t function as much but also because you are a net drain on the government’s resources rather than a net gain for it.  Every gesture you perform is taking up space that is not allotted to you.  Conservatives hate you and they rule right now.  They’re constantly trying to take away your healthcare because they relish seeing you destitute and on the street because it makes them feel better about them selves.

    Of course I made a mis (mister) stake today and went to church.  There was a blob of people all congregating around a table that just ignored all of us and I didn’t go bother force myself upon them.  I fucking hate religion but I need it to be true because I have nothing else.  So I force it upon myself which (witch) does not do anything good for my mental health.

     



  • Noble Lies

    One of the issues with those on the spectrum (including myself) is taking society’s noble lies at face value.  This has been a cause of consternation in my life.

    One of the noble lies I believed was that friendships would last forever (in some capacity) if both parties were close enough at a certain point in their life.  Of course I lost my closest friend from college to low status-itus.  I could have saved myself a lot of grief if someone had gotten it through my skull that most of the idealistic things people say are aspirational rather than actual.  Noble lies are a way for a culture to save face while not changing things structurally in any meaningful way.

    For example the idea you have innate worth.  Pretty people didn’t like the idea that they were just getting by on their looks so they invented the idea that everyone had worth regardless of looks.  Of course if a noble lie is true for you (you happen to be pretty) then it is easy to believe and transmit.  But when you are on the bottom (like a good portion of those on the spectrum are) all the noble lies are definitely lies.  You must keep frame of reference in mind because a noble lie is often true to the person telling it so they are behaving in a rational manner.

    The bullshit of noble lies are like bacteria in your gut, some is needed to digest everything else.  However those of us on the spectrum need extra help teasing out aspirational beliefs from the ones that actually hold true.



  • poetry, more

    when God created a person with a disability
    he stamped “I hate you” into their very being
    so it’s no mystery that Christians’ politics
    are so turned against those of us with disabilities

    almost everything positive everyone believes is a noble lie
    and how high you are in society
    determines whether these lies work in your favor
    (for example the idea people have innate worth
    works well for pretty people because they would rather believe
    it than the truth that they are just getting by on their looks)

    noble lies are usually true for the speaker
    and false for the recipient

    Christians seem to think suffering is redemptive
    well it can be
    just like the lottery can be won
    but crowing about either
    does not make them happen any more often

    I asked God for help
    but I wasn’t there
    synthesizing him being there
    so I never got any

    some people whose brains end up all over the wall
    just had trouble fitting a whole church in their brain
    those people sniveling and rejecting
    telling them they were going to burn if they disagreed and felt different
    blaming them for not seeing what they were told to

    the God head has levers his people get to control!
    that make him open and shut his mouth and romp around the earth
    so what are you waiting for?
    get up into that mech!
    (The supporters of Trump
    made the jump into JESUS!!!!)

    waiting is our daily taste of death



  • The Supernatural

    it’s difficult to believe in the supernatural
    unless they’re going after you

    I believe our brain blocks out the supernatural the same way a neurotypical’s brain blocks out extraneous stimuli.  Of course this is offensive to philosophical materialists as well as Christians principally because I have a very negative view of the supernatural, it is like living on the street where predators notice you and will swarm.  This helps make sense of why mental illness was seen as direct action by the devil or his charges in premodern times.  Because when you are mentally ill the ability to filter out the supernatural breaks down so the worst of it are everywhere.  It also explains why demon possessed people had more insight on the supernatural like seeing Jesus as the son of God.  Of course I don’t think mental illness is demon possession, just that it makes you more vulnerable to negative spiritual forces.

    From a philosophical materialist’s perspective there is concrete evidence that mental illness makes one feel like they are experiencing supernatural forces.  That’s why I wrote the poem:

    shaving is just cutting yourself in a socially acceptable way
    just as religion is being crazy in a socially acceptable way



  • ideation

    Great article on suicidal ideation.

    At 27, I’ve settled into a comfortable coexistence with my suicidality. We’ve made peace, or at least a temporary accord negotiated by therapy and medication. It’s still hard sometimes, but not as hard as you might think. What makes it harder is being unable to talk about it freely: the weightiness of the confession, the impossibility of explaining that it both is and isn’t as serious as it sounds. I don’t always want to be alive. Yes, I mean it. No, you shouldn’t be afraid for me. No, I’m not in danger of killing myself right now. Yes, I really mean it.



  • Fight or Flight

    Great post on fight or flight from The Realistic Autistic:

    This reminded me of a theory I read years ago regarding deer, humans, and human society. Deer have two modes: calm and upset. They mainly live in calm, unless predators or some kind of threat occurs. At which point they switch to upset, and fight or flight their way through the situation until they’re out of it. After which they switch back to calm.

    Humans used to work similarly. When threats occurred, we fight/flighted to deal with them and then returned to being calm. The theory goes that as human society developed, we also developed things that register as a threat but can’t be dealt with appropriately using fight/flight. Money problems and angry bosses at work, for example. These situations put us into fight or flight mode, but because they can’t be dealt with so simply, we can get stuck in fight/flight instead of returning to calm.

    The theory posits that this is part of where depression and anxiety come from, and possibly other forms of mental illness as well. Heart disease, poor sleep, and other physical symptoms follow as well. Living “on edge” all the time has costs to your mental and emotional health, after all.



  • God’s Blessing / God’s Wrath

    From 2009 Xanga entry

    God’s blessing is never given by the cupful.  It is always given in more–the cup overflows.  When you are given the blessings of riches and success they always spill over (you find a significant other who benefits).  The whole social system benefits as you produce a net gain on the system.

    Conversely God’s wrath is never given by the cupful.  It is always given in more–the cup overflows.  Mental illness and disability drag the people around you down.  Someone stays single because you are forced out of the dating pool.  You are a net drain on the system, your needs being paid for by loved ones and/or the state.



  • Repeated Albums

    These are the two albums I listen to over and over again.

    Durufle Requiem (Robert Shaw Atlanta SO version) – some of the best classical choral arrangements, there is so much going on that it keeps things fresh.

    A Hidden Wholeness by Luke Brindley – This is an album for orphaned believers if there ever was one.  You really have to pay attention to the lyrics to get the full effect of this album.  A Christian site gave it a good review.  It’s not a Christian album, it’s not a non Christian album, it’s kind of somewhere in the nether regions between the two.  Ultimately it’s about struggling through life without giving up hope, something I do not practice in my own life.