navigating a world which feels like gravity is working in reverse

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  • Absence

    The most blasphemous things I write are about God’s absence. I sympathize with the Bible villains who shouted Jesus to come down off that cross. Some of it was mockery but some of it was sincere wanting God to show up and kick some ass. I really think it’s what we need now.. But I don’t possess the power or really much wisdom either.



  • Poetry on Old Scratch

    you know the devil is evil
    because you take the d away
    and all you have is evil

    Christians don’t understand
    if the devil can’t own your soul
    he can always rent it

    wherever God is once
    the devil is twice

    the devil’s most overlooked vice
    incuriosity

    if the devil is holding his breath today
    it just means he’s going to breathe on you harder
    tomorrow

    Satan would much rather have you worship yourself than himself

    Satan lives in hell but he sure as fuck doesn’t stay there

    idle hands are the devil’s workshop
    but a rejecting church is Satan’s paradise

    when you get attacked enough
    you get antibodies for the devil
    even as it weakens you permanently

    Man is needed
    for Satan’s hate to incubate
    because evil comes commensurate with good
    but the devil can only be the former

    God is the sun
    and the devil is the moon
    (the devil gives no light, he only takes it)
    and the devil appears larger
    because he’s so much closer to us

    Satan’s pal’s evil power pales
    in comparison to evil men’s

    the name of God is just a lure
    for a thousand devils to rush in
    so many gods turn out to be the devil
    (now I understand that God and Satan sit right next to each other on the radio dial
    and both sound the same to the ear of those who aren’t super careful)

    when your mentally healthy
    your brain keeps God and Satan apart like wolves held by the ears
    when mentally ill not so much

    with normality it’s
    shut the door
    keep out the devil
    with mental illness it’s
    shut the door
    keep in the devil

    you can’t kill Satan
    because Satan is inside the bullet

    the devil is a gentleman to those everyone else is a gentleman to
    fall further down and all his errs are off

    i saw God guiding the devil’s hand
    as Satan swung the lobotomus poker to and fro
    taking out large swaths of my being

    God dies in our trauma
    and Satan is resurrected

    Satan stole God’s cellphone
    and started messaging me
    God took the phone back and apologized
    I forgave God
    but never would I trust him again

    the devil and i
    had a staring contest
    we locked eyes
    he won
    and got the hope behind mine

    it was debatable
    whether God or the devil
    were more of a coward
    for not showing them self
    to the scientists, so they could make an informed decision
    on who to follow
    but maybe they’re just both too powerful
    to show them selves to pieces of shit like us
    and we’re supposed to respect what we do in humans
    that silence=power

    God is one
    but the devil has won



  • Tech Job Interviews Are Basically Hazing

    I recently read one of the most profound Reddit comments I have ever read, in response to someone suggesting the thread poster go into tech. They said tech job interviews are basically hazing. I wish someone would have told me this 20 years ago, it could have saved me a lot of heartbreak. Unlike hazing at Army boot camp which is designed to tear you down temporarily for them to build you up in their own way, job interview hazing is just them taking advantage of you because of the great power asymmetry that exists in the whole ordeal.

    I have a visual impairment physical disability which means I can’t see very well at certain distances and have very thick glasses like Milton from Office Space. People have brought up my visual impairment and told me I couldn’t do the work because of it. I even had a local recruiter tell me I had to make people comfortable with my physical disability because the presence of it caused the room unease. Even disclosing my disability has not made things better, one person after I disclosed my disability just assumed I couldn’t see. They didn’t write back.

    I get it that society is becoming increasingly harsh and hurtful and people far from privilege are the ones who bear the brunt of it. But a lot of what keeps people far from privilege down is failing at the critical junctures such as job interviews which determine whether or not they get to develop to their full potential and contribute to society.



  • Brain Power

    I’m starting to see why some people can be Christian while others can’t. I think a lot of it comes down to brain power. Brain power is something separate from intelligence, brain power is more about how you can organize your mind to get what you want out of it, intelligence is just how fast and expansive it works.

    I search old emails a lot and I remember my aunt who is a Christian therapist telling me in 2005 to play cognitive tricks where basically in the circumstances that weren’t totally bad I marked the things that weren’t total crap as God working. Something similar is going on in that popular praise and worship song “Waymaker” where they tell you to put your brain in sleep mode and pretend God is working even when you can’t see it or feel it. My problem with playing mental gymnastics is I am aware I’m playing them as I’m playing them so like a magic trick that I’m aware of the slight of hand going on so I don’t get the desired effect.

    People with a lot of brain power can tell their brains to do whatever they want and their brains obloge. It’s almost like they have really good software controlling their microprocessor. For example an iPhone will shut down their processor’s high powered cores to save battery life. For a person this might mean checking their brain at the door when they walk into a church. The ability to believe in the supernatural at one moment and then be perfectly sane at another is more of an accomplishment than you think. I could only believe in magic when I’m psychotic or close to psychotic.

    I think brain power is important in all kinds of other areas but religion is just the one I think about the most. When you don’t have much in this life you think about religion more because it’s shoved down your throat and you don’t have anything else going on.



  • Sad Fact About Mental Illness

    It’s just a sad fact about any mental illness that involves psychosis that in a majority of the time treatment must be forced upon the sufferer. In 2004 when I was psychotic in the mental hospital for ten days my parents forced treatment upon me and then made me live at home. The following year I started going psychotic (this time living at home) and again my parents took me to a psychiatrist and they gave me antipsychotics that brought me back down.

    If I had been totally on my own and nobody forced treatment upon me I would probably be on the streets, in jail, or dead by now. I think modern psychology is disingenuous about autonomy in situations like this. People need to be forced to get treatment and stay on their medication when they get hospitalized.



  • some angry poetry

    God doesn’t “elect” most of us on the spectrum
    because he hates us just as much as everybody else does

    who’s more powerful than God?
    the people who own him!

    when people say looks can kill
    what they really mean is that bad looks can
    because looking bad is often a sure ticket to loneliness
    and loneliness is as bad for you as smoking

    being accepted by Christians
    involves reverse gaslighting
    getting them to think you are extra sane

    ever-ee time i contemplate suicide
    a CHURH IS THINKING OF MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

    my brain is a microcosm
    of a world without God

    the heart is like a pinata
    it makes itself beautiful
    with the unconscious aim
    of being broken open

    to most people you are a baseball card
    they are looking for your stats on the back
    or filling them in with their mind
    given what they see on the front

    i believe suffering is good
    it’s good for making you go on the government dole
    it’s good for making everyone but helping professionals
    stop talking to you
    it’s good for others who now have more access to life gems
    you were competing for (good jobs, mates)
    it’s good for stealing meaning from your life
    because the good things in your life like dignified work and relationships
    were the things that gave meaning, and are the very things suffering takes away
    it’s good for making all your conversations consist of emotional baggage
    so nobody wants to talk to you
    it’s good for alienating you because you no longer have common experience
    so you have nothing positive to say
    it’s good for making you invisible (at best)
    because you often have something visibly wrong with you
    that makes others feel uncomfortable

    no justice
    no peace
    no goodness
    no hope



  • Not In Touch With My Emotions

    Proponents of modern psychology are remiss as to why I’m not in touch with my emotions. There are several reasons:

    I’m bipolar 1 and the illness itself as well as the medication stunts emotion. Before I was bipolar I didn’t have as much of a flat affect, I felt things more and was more expressive. People connected with me better because of it.

    I had some scares around losing my vision when I was in college. For a while I was in fear of losing my vision. This eventually caused me to start repressing my fear which impaired emotional function.

    Starting at around age 31 I got tinnitus. My tinnitus is not near as bad as some people but (as you can imagine) someone likely on the autistic spectrum who was born blind I am super sensitive to sound. To deal with this new stream of unwanted input I became more emotionally numb.

    The parade of people (of both genders) cutting me off and ghosting me hasn’t helped either. Most people deal with this but when you have a disability with relationships you have to take what you get because most people won’t touch you with a ten foot pole. A lot of these people are pretty damaged too so it makes for a lot of bad relationship things.



  • Ask and Tell

    Modern society has made it that much more confusing to navigate with the fact that some asks are really tells. In the olden days there were more tells, in traditional culture there were right and wrong things, for example the Ten Commandments. Nowadays modern psychology runs pretty much everything and people don’t like to be told things outright so they frame their tells as asks. For example I had a job coach who really wanted me to go somewhere and get some IT training. She didn’t tell me this, she just asked about it. But later on I realized when she brought it up again that that was what she really wanted me to do.

    This can also be seen in self care. The party line is that exercise, yoga, meditation, eating vegetables, and chores are good for self care. While this might be for some people I think this is a situation where people are being prescriptive but somewhat disingenuous about it. For me exercise doesn’t help at all unless it is done with people who I have a positive relationship with. Meditation doesn’t work for me, stemming (muttering, yelling and even cursing, rocking back and forth) helps me. I like to drink sweet things (mostly diet pop) and watch trashy TV like Married with Children. None of these are approved ways to deal with things but when suspect an ask is really a tell you’ll just be inundated with blow back.

    The whole enterprise of therapy is a tell framed as an ask. That’s why I’ve had three women cut me off telling me to “go get help”. They wanted someone to change me because they obviously found a flaw in me they couldn’t change themselves.