navigating a world which feels like gravity is working in reverse

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  • recent poetry

    the only reason something is real
    is because someone who can hurt you says it is

    waiting is the worst pastime
    because the time doesn’t pass!

    you can be evil, you can burn goodness
    and be warmed by the light of it going up in flames
    but once it’s all gone
    you have neither shelter nor warmth

    a weakness of the self-esteem movement:
    if you are on the bottom
    then the negative thoughts about yourself are dead on accurate
    (especially if you are a male
    as being on the bottom keeps you from both friends and mating)

    it’s easy to tell who the oppressor is
    because they will be angry at you
    for seeing yourself as the victim



  • …and that changes everything

    As you know I am someone with a physical disability (moderate visual impairment with weird-looking glasses) and a mental illness (bipolar 1).  I think a physical disability plus a mental illness adds up to more than the sum of its parts.  At least it has in my life.

    • In all my communications with people I start out with negativity right off the bat because of my thick glasses.  In every relationship it’s like I am making the first golf shot from a sand trap!
    • Because of my visual impairment I cannot drive.  I cannot go to people’s houses and force myself on them.  Because of my physical disability and mental illness I’m almost always the needier party in the relationship and as such is the one initiating.  This keeps me from initiating.
    • Because of my mental illness I don’t have the inner strength to shrug off the negativity from and live above my physical disability.
    • Because of my physical disability I’ve been rejected for jobs I was qualified and now have so many gaps in my resume I am unemployable
    • Because of the way I’m treated on account of my disabilities it is impossible for me to believe I have innate worth–there just isn’t any evidence to back it up!  Non-disabled people are often treated better so they find it easier to believe this lie.

    May I ask, how many successful people do you know or have even heard of who have both a physical disability (particularly a visible physical disability) and a mental illness. You hear countless stories of people rising above their physical disabilities and becoming something and you often hear of people with mental illnesses who can function. But have you ever heard of someone with both make anything of their life? I haven’t!



  • Religious Addiction

    Ferkins and Gaspar were right. I have religious addiction. The only difference between religious addiction and salvation is whether there is something at the other end you are interacting with. An example if you are spending 8 hours a day on the internet but that time is spent working and making good money to provide for your household, that isn’t internet addiction. But if you are spending 8 hours a day on the internet watching video game commentary videos, that is.

    If there’s something at the other end, that’s a relationship. If there’s not it’s just stalking. The reason I suffer from religious addiction is because I was raised religious and I have nothing else. People who have things that give them meaning and value don’t usually suffer from this.

    We need to focus more on helping people build an image of God in their head that will make the function. With me that has gone totally awry.

    Take alcohol for example. For most people it is something that helps them unwind, have fun, and connect. But for people with mental illnesses it is often an addiction and causes them to be non compliant with their medication. To the casual drinker who enjoys the bar scene those of us who can’t handle alcohol seem strange and foreign. For me this is what religion is. The voice of God told me to do all kinds of crazy stuff like drink piss, date women out of my league, and kill myself. I was exposed to every toxic trope Evangelicalism had to offer like the idea that you will have photographic memory of your entire life as you burn in hell. Plus church people treat me like shit but that has more to do with disability and negative symptoms than the religion itself.



  • poetry to power and disability

    when the whole world has always said “you can’t”
    and when, despite your best efforts, you say “I didn’t”
    its a sad demoralization
    to overcome prejudice
    sometimes your best is still not enough

    only the disabled
    recognize how precious and life giving
    conformity can be
    because only we know the ostracism and scorn
    that befalls us when we can’t

    the idea that God is near to those at the margins is unfalsifiable
    because those at the margins have no voice
    so anyone experiencing the opposite is shut up rather quickly

    the room doesn’t lie
    you can tell people’s opinion of you by taking it in the aggregate
    (but CBT therapy, complete bullshit transfer, will force you to discard this information)

    humanism was mainly for the humans in power
    because for them virtue is completely optional
    humanism was design to goad them towards choosing that option

    the one with the most power
    is not the one who makes the decision for you
    but the one who forces you to choose in the first place

    why would you assume
    that those who went through suffering
    with their powers of articulation intact
    would speak on behalf of those who didn’t?

    sometimes the word itself answers the question of its definition
    when you are forgiven
    that meant you made the other party give in

    a lot of abuse
    is just punishment
    for being disabled

    don’t pray for me
    treat me as if my prayers had actually worked



  • Truth is Tall!

    truth is TALL
    it marks the gaps
    between high status
    and low status people
    silence

    I don’t view truth like the Greeks who equate it with beauty or the Christians who believe Jesus to be the way and truth. I view truth as the machinations of the materialistic universe. It is what makes an apple fall towards the earth when you let it go. I believe the social rules of a society are almost as ingrained as the laws of physics even though we are lied to from the cradle that they aren’t.

    One of the hard things I have had to deal with in my life is the people I knew who cared about what was going on the world ghosting me or ignoring me for being too low status. My closest friend from college ghosted me for being too low status. He cared about Africa and Latin America just like I did. Then more recently during Africa’s Ebola epidemic I was looking for someone who cared about it as much as I did but the only person who did was too high status to talk to me.

    I bring this up because my low status works against me in ways that it wouldn’t for the average beer and shot person whose interests were more in line with the average American.

    I bring this up because there is a huge humanitarian disaster wrought by back to back hurricanes in Honduras that has displaced hundreds of thousands and flooded urban areas and crop land. The person I found it out from was the owner of Mayan Buzz Cafe which is a place I love. You can donate to relief here. It is legit because it’s someone my dad knows.



  • for me, it isn’t over

    Adelle has a song “Someone Like You” that has the line “And that you’d be reminded that for me, it isn’t over”. That song is her not being able to get over a guy but I think it applies to people like me who don’t have the machinery to forgive. I like to say time heals some wounds but infects others and it is true for me because I see pictures of people whose wrongs helped precipitate my psychotic break (and my inability to not live at home) and everything just comes rushing back again.

    I can pantomime forgiveness but in my heart it is bullshit. If you wrong me and the wrong’s shadow falls infinitely far I won’t forgive, beyond that I really can’t. I can choose to not retaliate and treat you with respect but I cannot forgive. That’s why Christianity’s imperative to forgive confused me, I get it that they were trying to break cycles of violence but to actually forgive you would actually need the experience of God that that religion claims to give you.

    Time heals some wounds but infects others. Some people get over wrongs much worse than what I have experienced but I think whether you stew or pull through has a lot to do with how much opportunity in your life is offered. Had I gotten a job and a place and a social life and respect from people it would be a lot easier to put the past behind me because I overcame the wrong the best way possible, living well is the best revenge to people who were obstacles to you living life to the fullest. I also think this is why in developing countries in the Middle East where groups of people hate each other a lot of the hate is just due to not having anything else to do. These terrorists are usually engineers that weren’t even allowed the privilege of drinking to blow off steam and have little to no future vocational prospects. What do you think is going to happen when you offer them a chance to express their anger in terrible ways.

    Psychologists like to brainwash people into thinking forgiveness is a choice which it partially is. But something inside of you that you can’t control also has to make the choice and if it doesn’t all bets are off.



  • poetry from a place of resignation

    false hope is worse than no hope
    just as a cancer cell
    is worse than a dead cell

    the way people treat you
    isn’t a reflection of them selves
    it is a reflection
    of what they can get away with

    let people describe you
    by the way you take up space
    like spoonies
    who have a chronic condition
    and can’t give society all it demands

    one man’s miracle is another man’s tragedy
    (Evangelicals prayed for a Trump victory
    and the expense of those of us with disabilities)

    olfactory hallucinations are often popcorn
    and voices in your head are usually male
    and talk radio can drown out the voices for some people

    Christians and psychologists think you can make resentment disappear
    with a simple prayer, cognitive trick, or coping skill
    the truth is resentment is like nuclear waste
    it can’t be contained until it’s addressed
    and often fully ridding yourself of it is impossible

    on1 thing fo4 sure,
    GOD HAS GOTTEN A LOT
    B I G G E R
    IN THE LAST FOUR YEARS



  • Absence

    The most blasphemous things I write are about God’s absence. I sympathize with the Bible villains who shouted Jesus to come down off that cross. Some of it was mockery but some of it was sincere wanting God to show up and kick some ass. I really think it’s what we need now.. But I don’t possess the power or really much wisdom either.



  • Poetry on Old Scratch

    you know the devil is evil
    because you take the d away
    and all you have is evil

    Christians don’t understand
    if the devil can’t own your soul
    he can always rent it

    wherever God is once
    the devil is twice

    the devil’s most overlooked vice
    incuriosity

    if the devil is holding his breath today
    it just means he’s going to breathe on you harder
    tomorrow

    Satan would much rather have you worship yourself than himself

    Satan lives in hell but he sure as fuck doesn’t stay there

    idle hands are the devil’s workshop
    but a rejecting church is Satan’s paradise

    when you get attacked enough
    you get antibodies for the devil
    even as it weakens you permanently

    Man is needed
    for Satan’s hate to incubate
    because evil comes commensurate with good
    but the devil can only be the former

    God is the sun
    and the devil is the moon
    (the devil gives no light, he only takes it)
    and the devil appears larger
    because he’s so much closer to us

    Satan’s pal’s evil power pales
    in comparison to evil men’s

    the name of God is just a lure
    for a thousand devils to rush in
    so many gods turn out to be the devil
    (now I understand that God and Satan sit right next to each other on the radio dial
    and both sound the same to the ear of those who aren’t super careful)

    when your mentally healthy
    your brain keeps God and Satan apart like wolves held by the ears
    when mentally ill not so much

    with normality it’s
    shut the door
    keep out the devil
    with mental illness it’s
    shut the door
    keep in the devil

    you can’t kill Satan
    because Satan is inside the bullet

    the devil is a gentleman to those everyone else is a gentleman to
    fall further down and all his errs are off

    i saw God guiding the devil’s hand
    as Satan swung the lobotomus poker to and fro
    taking out large swaths of my being

    God dies in our trauma
    and Satan is resurrected

    Satan stole God’s cellphone
    and started messaging me
    God took the phone back and apologized
    I forgave God
    but never would I trust him again

    the devil and i
    had a staring contest
    we locked eyes
    he won
    and got the hope behind mine

    it was debatable
    whether God or the devil
    were more of a coward
    for not showing them self
    to the scientists, so they could make an informed decision
    on who to follow
    but maybe they’re just both too powerful
    to show them selves to pieces of shit like us
    and we’re supposed to respect what we do in humans
    that silence=power

    God is one
    but the devil has won



  • Tech Job Interviews Are Basically Hazing

    I recently read one of the most profound Reddit comments I have ever read, in response to someone suggesting the thread poster go into tech. They said tech job interviews are basically hazing. I wish someone would have told me this 20 years ago, it could have saved me a lot of heartbreak. Unlike hazing at Army boot camp which is designed to tear you down temporarily for them to build you up in their own way, job interview hazing is just them taking advantage of you because of the great power asymmetry that exists in the whole ordeal.

    I have a visual impairment physical disability which means I can’t see very well at certain distances and have very thick glasses like Milton from Office Space. People have brought up my visual impairment and told me I couldn’t do the work because of it. I even had a local recruiter tell me I had to make people comfortable with my physical disability because the presence of it caused the room unease. Even disclosing my disability has not made things better, one person after I disclosed my disability just assumed I couldn’t see. They didn’t write back.

    I get it that society is becoming increasingly harsh and hurtful and people far from privilege are the ones who bear the brunt of it. But a lot of what keeps people far from privilege down is failing at the critical junctures such as job interviews which determine whether or not they get to develop to their full potential and contribute to society.