navigating a world which feels like gravity is working in reverse

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  • my disorder

    A poem from Brooklyn at open mic last night:

    A public service announcement:
    My disorder does not have an off switch.
    My disorder is a living thing.
    My disorder is a puppeteer
    Sitting in my skull,
    Pulling strings,
    And fucking with my thoughts.

    My disorder is a coward.
    She hides behind a mask of her own making.
    It slides across my face like prison bars,
    Closing me in,
    Pushing you out.

    My disorder is a siren.
    She swims in waters of loathing,
    And comes to the surface to croon tunes in the key of deceit
    Their melodies so sweet,
    That I am drawn into her lies.

    My disorder and I are alone.
    We stand in a storm,
    Waiting forever for the eye.
    Fog rolls between drops of rain and tears,
    And hides hands of help.
    To see is to believe,
    And we are blinded by lightning strikes.

    My disorder and I are an artist
    We take beauty from panic,
    Pull poetry out of pain,
    Weave tapestries of words to hang upon the walls of this broken home—
    This broken brain.
    We lavish in the things that are really killing me.

    I’ve forgotten how to trust anything but my disorder.
    I’ve forgotten the notes to every happy song I have ever known.
    I’ve forgotten the difference between manic and ecstatic.
    I’ve forgotten what happy feels like.

    I can’t hear,
    I can’t hear their kind words.
    I can’t feel,
    I can’t feel their outstretched hands.
    I can’t see,
    I can’t see their concern.
    I can’t believe,
    I can’t believe that they care.
    Even if they do.
    Even if they are.
    Even if they’re there.
    Even if they scream.

    My disorder does not have an off switch.
    No.
    She is alive.
    And she is a bitch.

    By Brooklyn 



  • Forgiveness is an NT construct

    Forgiveness is like the horizon.  Everyone says it exists but you can never get there.  Forgiveness is like lotto winnings.  I remember being at a gas station and there was a LED ticker denoting winnings in towns around us.  And we hear about the big wins in the news.  What this sets up is we think lotto winnings happen more than they actually do.  The same goes for forgiveness.  We are taught from the cradle that it exists and, especially with Christian upbringing, read and hear about it all the time.  So it makes it seem like it happens a lot more than it actually does.  Which is bad because we think we can wrong and be forgiven when this is usually a lie.

    As for me people have done things to me that have ruined my life and I don’t have the capacity to forgive, I can treat them cordially but I can’t change my emotions around what happened.  Of course therapists would want to guilt me for not being able to let go, because guilt is like the jackhammer you pull out when none of your other manipulative tools have worked.  You wrong me, the wrong stays in my muscle memory for future dealings with you.  You can label me bitter and angry (which implies I am culpable for my emotions which I have little to no control over).

    For the NT world I would offer the advice, “don’t fetishize and romanticize forgiveness and pretend it happens more than it actually does”.  I have found (particularly looking at my brother’s divorce) that the words you say are either water off their back or mercury in the blood (remaining in them indefinitely).  Everyone opines about forgiveness but, especially for people struggling with depression, damage of words and actions is often permanent (because people struggling with depression often don’t have control what pops and remains in their mind so your wrong’s effect is amplified).

    Also stop demonizing people like me who say forgiveness is a farce.  Because more often than not, it is.



  • faith hope tv

    I think the switch over from analog to digital TV over the air signals is a good analogy for the way different people operate in relation to faith.  Some people can have an incomplete percentage of faith in God and still derive some hope out of it.  Others, like me, can not.  This is similar to how in the analog days one could, with a decent fractional percentage of signal, get a serviceable though imperfect picture.  In the digital days, not so much, it’s either 100% or nothing.



  • life

    In a calculus proof the outcome is subject to the laws of mathematics.  Christianity is not like that.  Whether Christianity is true is itself incarnational.   The only way you show it to be true or false is the way you live your life.  This is why youth directors and even the Jars of Clay are dead on people listening to Nine Inch Nails.  Because Trent Reznor is such a powerful voice who earnestly sought God and found nothing.  This is why his first two albums are the ones Christians like the least.  Pretty Hate Machine in particular is all about apostasy.

    As for me I have earnestly sought God and found nothing.  And gotten handily rejected by the church.  And I am a pretty virtuous person.  People on the spectrum have much higher rates of non religiosity than the general population.  We don’t have the capacity to concoct God!  The fact that God could just be all in your head is an affront to Christians.  But if Christianity were really true wouldn’t the people who couldn’t concoct God be the ones that found him the most easily instead of the least easily?

    As I have gotten older I’ve lost the parts of myself I would need to exist to be faith filled.  That doesn’t mean God doesn’t talk to me, it’s just that the conversations normally revolve around wanting me to commit suicide.



  • humanism wasted on humans

    And the Gentiles shall come to thy light, and kings to the brightness of thy rising.  – Isaiah 60:3

    We should all be grateful for humanism and Judaeo-Christian influence for bringing it about.  I think it did have a positive effect on rulers.  While a lot of rulers don’t profess Christianity they still rule with humanism in mind.

    I emailed someone who is pretty high up in the religious and political landscape and he agreed with me that Trump was not a humanist.  That scares me much more than whether he professed Christianity or not.  We were so used to humanism it became like an appliance that you don’t think about when it’s working.  You only think about your washing machine when it starts breaking down.  Now people are starting to think about humanism again after what they repeatedly see in the news cycle.

    The irony is not lost on me that evangelical Christians elected the first non humanistic president in the nation’s history.



  • War Doodle

    I’ve lived in an unstable country. I was nine years old. My father was a pastor of an English speaking church for expatriates in San Salvador, El Salvador. It was not a very stable country to begin with. There was an imitation Burger King we went to once that some guerilla blew up with a car bomb. To be fair there were really no good guys, the El Salvadorian government fighting these guerillas would kidnap, kill and torture dissidents and even sympathetic clergy and intellectuals. But once the Soviet backed guerillas saw the Berlin wall fall they knew their funding was going to dry up soon so this was their last chance to try to take the capital.

    We lived in a walled complex that included the church my father pastored, a gift shop, and a parsonage we lived in. The day of the first night of the offensive we had been warned by a church member high up in the military to stay home and cancel all church activities. We were nervous. I was playing a space invaders clone on a Commodore 64 with a green monitor. Then the shooting started. At first it was far away but as the night drew on it got closer. You are probably familiar with how you have to go to a certain part of the house in the event of a tornado. It’s similar for a war and the place furthest away from stray bullets was the hallway that ran through the center of the house. Our family dragged our mattresses out to the hall way and tried to sleep there. We kids were told that we were Americans and guerillas wouldn’t dare kill us because of the repercussions for their movement (as Americans funded the El Salvadorian government). This argument doesn’t make any sense to me now but I accepted it then and kept me from being as scared as I probably should have been.

    My drawing book changed from surfers and T&C Surf designs to more serious imagery very quickly.

    Our church had a large window facing a mountain (I think it was a dormant volcano) where the guerillas were holed up. You couldn’t really see the fighting but you could see flares that would go up sometime

     

    November 16, 1989 (lines in pencil)

    Guns went off Saturday night. From then on we’ve been sleeping in the hall.
    We got a color TV.
    Nobody can go on the street from 6pm to 6am

    Yeah we were under marshal law. From the start of the war until we left only one parent at a time would leave the compound we lived in. That was because having them both killed would be a lot worse than just one of them. The seemingly innocuous line “we got a color TV” is darker than it sounds because we got that TV because the guy we knew was killed by a stray shell while closing the gate to his compound. It was either his or his friend’s (who left the country quickly) TV.

    November 18, 1989

    It’s a little eerie the seemingly trivial statements in colorful marker like “I like Monopoly” interspersed with bits about the war zone all around us. But I was nine and probably on the autistic spectrum so was immature for my age. But the statements remind us all that even in a war zone the seemingly trivial things of life go on. It was also amazing that the power stayed on most of the time (I have always slept with a fan and was particularly overjoyed about it during that period of my journal). Running water also continued to work though it was never safe to drink.

    Nov 20, 1989

    I got a radio clock and guns went off again. By now some nights we would sleep in our rooms and then move to the hall way if the gunfire got bad. Also our new color TV worked great with our Commodore 64 so we’d the kid’s favorite video game, California Games.

    November 22. 1989 (in pencil)

    Guns went off a lot Tuesday.
    I saw a flare!
    We went in the gift shop Tuesday
    We’re moving
    We took today off.

    The day before this entry was perhaps the scariest part of the whole experience of instability. We lived less than a mile away from the presidential palace which was often under attack. Someone was launching mortars. We all lined up and then went down to the gift shop which had the most reinforced concrete over it. For some reason I remember watching cartoons there, but I don’t know if this is a false memory.

    Another drawing from the time, not sure if it’s supposed to be a bullet or not.

    This is from the drawing book after we moved to Costa Rica. It shows the dates when there was the most fighting.

    This is the passport stamp of our leaving El Salvador.  We got out of there to our grandparent’s house in Costa Rica as soon as the airport opened though my dad stayed another 3 weeks.

    We were lucky that we were American citizens and had relatives in Costa Rica which was a lot easier to fly to then the U.S.



  • Mental Advent

    A parody of advent, for people who the church wished didn’t exist.

    Week 1: The Empowerment Candle –  Hope is great but without power it usually just melts away.  For example if you are in an abusive or exploitative situation, having power is what counters these people and buys one hope.  Even being able to believe in religion is a form of power because you need to play cognitive tricks to pretend there is a god there that loves you and get the placebo response from these practices which sustain you.

    Week 2: The Ativan Candle – The times I felt the most peace were when I was on the anti anxiety drug Ativan.  People bemoan the fact that so many people are hooked on drugs and alcohol but there’s a reason for this.  They work!  Religion can work for some people but requires a lot of brain power, an acrobatic act of holding on and letting go, that is out of reach for a lot of people, especially those with mental illnesses.

    Week 3: The Mania Candle –  Joy is great too but is just a weasel word that, when pressed, Christians admit doesn’t mean anything even close to happiness or pleasure.  The only time I experienced the Holy Spirit moving was when I was manic so I think mania should get a better hearing.

    Week 4: The Significant Other Candle – Because the culture is so hyper individualistic often a significant other is your only true friend (this is particularly true if you are male).  Obviously love is harder to come by the less healthy you are but even bad relationships should be celebrated because people are reaching out and trying.  Of course this day you should celebrate looking good and making a lot of money because these are so important in finding love.

     



  • Purple Motion

    One of my favorite tracker artists of all time Purple Motion just released his CD on Spotify.  You can see a YouTube Version.

    Tracker music was from the Amiga days when you had a lot of synthesized instruments and sampled ones.  The parameters made for a really unique sound.  I owned an Amiga 600 so part of it is nostalgia.